Nightmare MIL and BIL

[Firsttimeposterlongtimelurker]

Strap in..this is a long one.

So DH moved into our house last October and had our DD at the end of December.

MIL and BIL did not offer to help in any way with the move so I ended up unpacking and setting up the house on my own as DH couldn't get time off work - we planned to move Monday but removals van wouldn't come due to very high winds.

MIL and BIL didn't visit us for 3 weeks and when they did went round the whole house pointing out all the faults and how they'd fix them. This went on for months to the extent that we stopped having them to visit.

When they started visiting again they started banging on about the garden being untidy. DH and I have a small baby at this point and DH spends his weekends with me and baby not in the garden. Garden is tidy-ish - we cut the grass and weed occassionally.

DH got sick of them and said if it's that bad cut it yourself as we don't have the time right now. So MIL and BIL came over and absolutely massacred our plants one weekend - cut a lovely big plant down to a twig and cut a massive hole in our back hedge . DH was furious and sent them packing - we didn't have them over for months after.

Cut to a few weeks ago when we're on holiday. Gave BIL a key as he works nearby to keep an eye on house.

Came back from holiday and MIL and BIL have cut plants in front garden way back - people can now see into our living room where previously they could not.

DH had massive row as MIL said he was ungrateful and that neither of us know anything about gardening. DH said that we didn't ask them to do anything in our garden and they should stop treating our house like it's their own.

MIL now in major huff - but still bangs on about the faults in our house every time she calls DH.

Not sure there's a question there - just wanted to vent!

Get your key back. Tell them to leave your garden alone. And tell them both to mind their own bloody business.

Don't give them keys again. Given the backstory I am amazed you did.

Get your key back and don’t let them into your house again.

Get your keys back and cease contact. They sound like arseholes.

Yes, get your key back. We had similar issues, dh had been in hospital for a long term stay and in laws were commenting on how untidy my house was. Rude, just rude. They see your house as an extension of theirs and they need to learn that it's not. However I do think you are being unreasonable by commenting they didn't help you with the move.

My gran always moans about my garden "you have no plants and the lawn needs turfing"

......yeah "gran ok I have 4 dogs who wreck the lawn I'm not paying 100's of pounds for them to destroy it I'm getting it paved over then I'll stick a few plant pots in and be done with it"

.... "Oh but that won't be very pretty though. " to be honest I don't care as long as I can have a table chairs, washing line and it's ckean tidy and free of dog muck (which it is I pick it up practically as it is coming out....) I don't really care"

I'm the bane of her life apparently, she does have the most amazing garden and always have. But while I have dogs it's never going to happen is it

Get the key back & tell them to p*ss off.
Or if your feeling fun, take hedge cutters to their garden when their not in 

I doubt that the intention was evil. They probably feel they are giving you helpful advice on house maintenance, and practical help in the garden. People's ideas on gardens very - they're obviously at the end of the spectrum which thinks every plant has to have a ring of bare soil around it.

So get your key back, don't put them in a situation where they may overstep the mark, make it clear that your ideas differ from theirs, but try not to hate them. They're not doing it out of malice. It's very hard to move from 18+ years of looking after a son to leaving him to make his own mistakes without interference, from accepting him as part of your family to realising he is now in a completely independent family, with a partner who doesn't want to be adopted as an honorary member of your family.

Why have these people in your life? We went NC with my dad and brother a few years back and have done the same with the ILs a few months ago.

We have never been happier and less stressed than we are now.

Your in-laws are not required to help you move
You want them to visit but then you periodically ban them
You tell them they can do your garden and then moan about what they did.
You give BIL a key so he can look after your house and then moan about it afterwards
You don't really like them, do you

I don't know too much about gardening but don't you need to cut some plants right the way back for winter so they don't die?

Given the history regarding the house, wasnt it the stupidest thing to give them a key and get them to go over? I honestly think this time it was your own fault. You both knew exactly what they're about. You want to complain about them but use them in the process.

Agree with hazel. Why would your mil help ye move? Ye are adults. Fine if they offer but no need.
Ye did tell them to do the garden. Some plants do need to be cut back so they might have done ye a favour. And asking bil to keep an eye on the house while banning him a few weeks ago. Its all too much drama.

June birthday girl, are ye a pirate

Why on earth do you think your MIL or BIL should have helped you move but have no issues with your DH not helping?

I dont think the IL should be commenting on your garden, but you did ask them to do something and then you moan about it.

I can't believe you're surprised!

I can’t believe you gave them the keys after everything before!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say.

But it wasn't really needed in this case, was it?

"if it's that bad cut it yourself "

And they did!

"I don't know too much about gardening but don't you need to cut some plants right the way back for winter so they don't die?"

Biancadelriosback you are quite right - some plants do benefit from a hard prune back. Hopefully OPs plants are going to burst back into vigorous growth next spring. With luck they will be better than ever as a good prune can make plants grow much more bushy and dense.
However, I would not be happy if someone else took it upon themselves to meddle in my garden. That's bloody rude of the OPs MIL & BIL, no matter what their motives might have been.

Given the state of play you were wrong to ask the favour of looking after your house while you were away. Dont ask them

It sounds like they'd be absolutely no help with a house move so you got lucky there IMO. Limit your contact to meeting up for lunch on neutral territory (so no criticism re your house etc) & get the key back. They sound too much like hard work. Life's too short for that.

Blackdogsrock
I’m in stitches. 🤣🤣🤣

Idk what kind of plants you have there op. Certain bushes eg roses need cutting back regularly and will be far more beautiful for it. If they haven’t been pruned for years, severely cutting them back is the best option. The hedge could be fast growing and need cutting back twice a year or slow growing and only become a few inches taller every year.

That said, I do agree they have overstepped the boundaries. It is so draining to be constantly criticised.

I think they overstepped their boundaries but they were trying to be helpful.
I have no clue why you think they would help you unpack?
Also how you keep your garden is your own business but having a baby doesn't mean your dh or you don't have anytime on the weekend to clean it up. It's fine though if you don't want to.

Some people just have it in their heads to cut plants back hard, whether it's needed or not. My DM killed many plants because of this. There's no guarantee the MIL and BIL know what they're doing.

Your in-laws are not required to help you move
You want them to visit but then you periodically ban them
You tell them they can do your garden and then moan about what they did.
You give BIL a key so he can look after your house and then moan about it afterwards

100% this. Giving them a key was silly IMO as was telling them they could do your gardening if they wanted. You should have just told them to mind their own business whenever they raised the "issues".