Nightmare MIL and BIL

[Firsttimeposterlongtimelurker]

Strap in..this is a long one.

So DH moved into our house last October and had our DD at the end of December.

MIL and BIL did not offer to help in any way with the move so I ended up unpacking and setting up the house on my own as DH couldn't get time off work - we planned to move Monday but removals van wouldn't come due to very high winds.

MIL and BIL didn't visit us for 3 weeks and when they did went round the whole house pointing out all the faults and how they'd fix them. This went on for months to the extent that we stopped having them to visit.

When they started visiting again they started banging on about the garden being untidy. DH and I have a small baby at this point and DH spends his weekends with me and baby not in the garden. Garden is tidy-ish - we cut the grass and weed occassionally.

DH got sick of them and said if it's that bad cut it yourself as we don't have the time right now. So MIL and BIL came over and absolutely massacred our plants one weekend - cut a lovely big plant down to a twig and cut a massive hole in our back hedge . DH was furious and sent them packing - we didn't have them over for months after.

Cut to a few weeks ago when we're on holiday. Gave BIL a key as he works nearby to keep an eye on house.

Came back from holiday and MIL and BIL have cut plants in front garden way back - people can now see into our living room where previously they could not.

DH had massive row as MIL said he was ungrateful and that neither of us know anything about gardening. DH said that we didn't ask them to do anything in our garden and they should stop treating our house like it's their own.

MIL now in major huff - but still bangs on about the faults in our house every time she calls DH.

Not sure there's a question there - just wanted to vent!

Ah, rogue 'gardeners'. The ones who, as someone else said, chop everything back to ground level. Different plants need different pruning, or none. Roses need to be cut in a particular place for instance, not just hacking at with no regard for how old the growth is, it's a whole scene!

I think it's telling about them wrecking the garden after criticising your house, this is all about territory. They think your territory is theirs, hence the criticism and hacking. Gardeners, of all kinds, good and bad, are INCREDIBLY territorial, but that's maybe a bit off topic.

You're well shot in my opinion, don't rely on them for anything, keep it cool and distant.

Severe cutting back isn't necessary for the plants, they certainly won't die, as one poster suggested. But some die back in cold weather and look tidier if cut right back, others stay bushier and more compact if you cut them back. Some may be stimulated to produce more flowers (others may be prevented from flowering if they flower on more mature wood). Most of what we do in gardening is to suit our convenience and aesthetic judgement and desire to grow too many plants in too small a space, rather than for the plant's benefit.

Yes you have to cut some plants RIGHT back to practically nothing for the winter months so that they reappear in the spring.

YABU and ungrateful by the sounds of it.

They PRUNED your garden (cutting dead twigs off! Hence why you can now see your living room! 🤦🏼‍♀️) then you "sent them packing?!?!?!" What the fuck?!?

Whether right or wrong to do so, hey should have told you they were going to do some drastic gardening before they did.

With I'm the other criticisms on your house I would just stop inviting them over so they can't speak about it on the phone anymore to your DH.

What the fuck. They have zero boundaries.

Change the locks and never EVER give them a key again.

Do you mean mil and brother in law or father in law.

Why would you expect them to help with moving house? You asked them to do the garden, they may have no clue but clearly tried to help.

If they're criticising your house tell them to pack it in but you can't moan they don't move you in or they're doing a job you asked them to do!

Wow.. I see this has split opinion.

@PurpleTrilby , @MereDintofPandiculation and others - thank you for your advice.

Some clarifications:-

1. No of course we don't expect them to help us unpack. What we do expect is that at least MIL would call and ask if there's anything she could do to help - even making a cup of tea and a sandwich would have helped. I was 6 months plus pregnant and stressed as my family don't live nearby.

1. DH had the Monday off but movers cancelled as it wasn't safe to have high sided vehicle on the road. He changed his job role to be able to attend all my preganancy hospital appointments (of which they were many) and this week happened to coincide with a work training course he had to teach. I wasn't thrilled about it but if Monday had worked out he would have unpacked all the essentials then.

1. As *@PurpleTrilby said they didn't prune - they chopped a beautiful big bush back to a stick in the ground. Our gardener who comes occassionally said it would be lucky to grow back. @Powerless* - if they pruned dead twigs we wouldn't care - we would say thank you and move on. But obviously you know for sure they only removed dead twigs and that we're being unreasonable :)

1. MIL pretty much demanded we give BIL a key and we did to keep the peace. We'd already asked a friend to keep an eye out and spoke to our lovely next door neighbour. We would have only called him in an absolute emergency were we couldn't get hold of the friend or neighbour. Think house burning down :)

1. As you can imagine there is a lot of back story here I haven't shared between DH and MIL and BIL. Suffice to say a lifetime of constanct criticism has affected him greatly.

Why are you feeling under pressure to hand keys to bil because mil said so?

Don't give them keys again. Given the backstory I am amazed you did.

This

If you can’t get keys back change the locks and if your garden is fenced get a lock for the gate

Even if you do have the keys back, I think it would be wise to change the locks. And don't give in to bullying.

Going NC would be the best option.

They were only trying to help.