GPs, Christmas and spending too much

[beeped]

We have one DC who will be pre-two at Christmas, so currently this isn't a massive issue, my concern is as he gets older.

We have very little money, anything outside of necessities has to be saved for, including Christmas presents. My budget this year (a particularly tough year) is £100 total for everyone (including multiple DNs, both sets of parents and siblings and our DS) adults are unfortunately getting a lot of 'handmade' but thoughtful small gifts so I don't have to scrimp to much on the kids. The present my DS will get is a £30 activity table that I've managed to get in a sale.

My AIBU is with our parents, my DM has decided to go all out on a massive train set, duplo, and lots of little bits. I have asked her not to over-do it at Christmas, but I get the same response, "GPs are there to spoil their DGC."

PIL have spent nearly £200(!!) on something that is more of a keep-sake, DH told his DM this was too much!

By really overspending on DS, it makes our present (and future presents) look stingy. As he gets older, he will ask us for specific toys that we may not be able to afford, I don't want him to develop bad feelings around our spending - feeling he's not been good enough or we don't see him as a priority and therefore always buy lesser gifts. DH tried to explain this to his DM, who answered, "if I want to by something for my GS, I'll buy it, you don't dictate my spending."

AIBU to ask for a cap on gifts? Or should I let them buy whatever they want - it's their money. DH wants to lay down the law with them quite firmly, it seems the money issue is bothering him a lot.

I don't think there's any need to worry about your presents vs theirs. I would be more concerned about the amount of crap they're getting him (if it is crap).

I think you say to the adults we're only doing presents for kids from now on due to budget constraints, obviously include any nieces/nephews, which will give you more to spend on a few presents for the children, rather than no offence but lots of toot or homemade crap the adults don't want anyway

Do whatever you are comfortable with.

Oh and isn't that what GPs do treat their GCs if they can? Maybe say some are from Santa, it sounds like this about DHs pride more than anything

I get where you are coming from. Money is very tight for us this year too and my DM has suggested a gift for DS that is way more than I can afford to get him on top of other things he has asked for.

I was a bit like you at first - worried that our gift would pale in comparison etc. But then I realised that it is something he will get alot of use and enjoyment from and that's the important thing - not who it came from.

If it's an abundance of tat they are buying just for the sake of it, I'd ask them to scale back (or suggest something useful they could contribute instead of a pile of toys?) But ultimately they are grandparents just trying to be kind and bring jpy to someone they love.

Just as a side note, adult siblings and I have agreed not to buy each other gifts any more - we buy for each others kids but not the adults.

It will be a long time before your son knows what anything costs so it won't be a problem for a few years. Even when he does because aware of it he'll soon realise that grandparents usually have more money and take that completely for granted. Let them spend their money as they like, why would your husband deliberately set out to upset them when there's no need?

Only 2 choices - put up with it or tell them to stop. Your choice!
We had the same problem - all GPs would buy for the DC as if they were the parents. Bags and bags of stuff every year. In the end I told them to get only one present per child. They pulled it back and still got 4-5, but that was a huge improvement on the first few years.

Why do you want to deny your children gifts bought with love by their DGP and why do you want to deny the DGP the joy of giving, just because your DH feels inadequate? I agree with the pp, just make it from Santa.

We are in a similar ish situation but I try to see it from the perspective that actually it’s lovely they can buy stuff for DC that we can’t afford/wouldn’t prioritise with our resources so they don’t lose out. My DM struggled financially when we were younger and now doesn’t and so she does love to spoil the DGC and buy frivolous stuff she couldn’t buy us when she was a mum. It means I can prioritise decent shoes and clothes etc but DC still get fun toys.

I’m lucky that they listen to suggestions and so generally buy decent toys/stuff we want them to have at Birthday and Christmas. Your own DC are always going to love whatever you buy them. Just maybe try and see it as a win that you can save money for more important things.

Memories you make with the DC are much more important anyway. We’ve got DC two presents each for Christmas (not including stocking) but will go to see Father Christmas with them, see Xmas lights, do Christmas crafts, see them open their stockings on Xmas morning etc. That’s far more special than who provides the biggest pile of presents.
Sorry that turned into a longer post than planned! But hope it helps...

I understand where you are coming from, but my concern wouldn’t be the cost as such it’s more that children just don’t need that much stuff.
My daughter was the first grandchild and her first Christmas was ridiculous, we ended up donating more than half her gifts as we had no where to store them and she was only 1 at the time she didn’t care for all the toys.
This year we have asked grandparents for money towards a new bed. We have asked no toys, she has playmobil which she loves so if they really can’t help themselves they can add to her little collection, but otherwise they just get sent to the charity shop!
Last Christmas we gave dd my old camera which she adored.

My father once told me that he loved being able to spend money on his grandchildren because he didn't have the means to do so with his own children.
I have no recollection of anything other than wonderful presents, but I think a lot of them were bought second hand and painted and polished up.
It gave him great pleasure to be able to buy really nice things for his grandchildren in later years, which he did generously and happily.

I wouldn't worry about it. You are going to want their genourosity as your dc gets older, they may help with school trips and driving lessons. Smile and just say thank you

We had this for a while too. DH's siblings bought their kids TONS of stuff every year, so PILs pile just matched theirs, but we wanted to buy less stuff, and definitely less plastic tat, so it made our pile look really stingy (especially when cousins would say "Why did [DS] not get much for Christmas?").

We just didn't have room for it all, so we'd end up having to explain to DS that some had to go in the roofspace, and we were the worst in the world. PILs also had a tendency to ask what we were buying DS, and then buy him a bigger one.

Eventually we decided to start asking for big things (we tried asking for less, and were told no). Now we come up with something big (eg a bike) and they get him that. Everyone is happy, and we don't have mountains of tat.

It's easy to say that you shouldn't be worried about how your gift looks, but with young kids they do sometimes compare, and it can be difficult. Eg SILs kids very much equate size of pile with love, and then tell DS that.

I think it would be mean to deny DS gifts that he's going to enjoy. It won't be long until he's asking for more expensive things and then you can ask GPs to get those for him.

Your child will think Father Christmas/Santa brought the presents for a good few years yet. Let the grandparents enjoy spoiling their grandchild; you and your husband will be the people responsible for making Christmas magical, and that doesn’t have to cost a lot.

We deliberately ask GPs for big ticket items (e.g. scooter), though as we could afford them, I do get it feels different. But I'm more than happy for DD to grow up thinking her grandparents are generous. And DD has always known who the gifts come from (and even occasionally remembers to say thank you for them).

I think that your perspective on this will depend on how much space you have. We have a small flat so space is at a premium. I am very assertive about explaining, one gift only please. I know it can sound ungrateful or selfish, but I don't want to spend my time and energy picking up toys for hours on end, trying and failing to find places to put them, or having to regift them to other people. We do not have the space, and that is the reality. Grandparents should listen to parents on this if parents have explained clearly and nicely their reasons for not wanting lots of toys. If they want to be generous, they can invest in a big-ticket item like a bike or pay for an experience for the family instead, like tickets to somewhere fun.

You can't dictate how much GPs spend on their GC. If you don't have space for big gifts then absolutely say that but you can't put a cap on price if they don't want to which by the sound of it they don't. Just look at it as people living your DS and wanting to treat him. He won't be comparing.

well personally i would just say i have x budget what do you want for them and write it from santa i dont care if its not from me as long as they happy.last year my 7 year old grandaughter wanted a £300 pound dolls pram no way said her dad .but hey on christmas morning there it was from santa it doesnt have to be about them and you just santa .and the home made gifts sound fab i love anything that has had time spent on it no matter how much it costs

I have this with my MIL - she’s a nice enough lady but will only buy what she wants to buy for DS. I’ve always tried to hint at what he needs but she duplicates what I’ve bought him a lot.

I’ve also asked if she (and my mum) can keep to just a few presents as we just don’t have the space yet she still turns up with a massive bag of gifts and I’ve nowhere to put it all. I’ve heard this year she’s buying DS a pool table! I have said no. If she does then it stays at her house.. I really have nowhere to put it!

My mil and she’s husbands family always spend money. And more money some years that I could even spend. But to be honest I was grateful. We didn’t have much money for that and my sons bday is on Xmas eve.

They always sent money. So we would take our money and theirs and just do one big shop and split all the presents in half.

My so. Didn’t care who the present were from and I was just grateful for the fact that they helped out.

I wouldn’t worry to much.

Be careful, aprilanne; my friend's slightly older DS (understood, in a childish way, that parents were not made of money, but still believed in Santa) reassured his loving DM, "That's all right, Mummy, I won't ask you for the bike, Santa can bring that!" I was drafted in to mention in passing that, as Santa was dealing with all the children in the world, he really couldn't be expected to give more than a "small but thoughtful" gift......but you're absolutely right about relishing the joy which the perfect gift can bring!

I would just let the grandparents spend what they like. If you bring your child up to be grateful for everything they receive then they won't be thinking about who spent more on them.

My parent are able to spend much more than we do at Christmas and birthday. My PIL much less.
It has never made our presents less good than my parents. Or our PIL presents not as nice and stingy compare to ours/my parents. Esp when they are young because children look at what they like and enjoy rather than the price tag.

Now that they are teens, they just know to go and see my parents for the expensive stuff (eg a bike), us for the run of the mill stuff and whatever my PIL will get them (a t-shirt from the sale etc...

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I think I should leave it (and get DH to as well) unless it's something that isn't age appropriate, I can't really tell them what to spend their money on. (Although, will definitely have a word with my DPs about the plastic tat for next year.)

we're spending Christmas with PIL and I am also a little concerned about opening DSs present in front of Family, The other GCs tend to get around £50 spent on them from PIL, so I'm confused as to why they are spending so much on DS? My DH joked that his parents are misogynists and DS is their first grandson, but I will be mortified if this does happen. Hoping they've just decided on a big Christmas for everyone this year.