Resentment growing with DP after having child

[onename]

Has anyone experienced growing resentment with their parents after having their first child?

I always thought my childhood was pretty standard; apart from an affair that both my parents had that split them up for 3 years but they did get back together again (DM told me it was only because of me, which at the time, I was totally fine with at the age of 13).

However, I'm now starting to look back at all the times they have been neglectful at worst, and thinking to myself how I would never consider putting my DS through some of the things they put me through. An example of of things like:

• Shipping me off to stay with GP every weekend in their tiny flat. They were too old to do anything with me so we would spend all weekend in that flat.

• Disappearing for days on end without telling my GP, I still remember at the age of 11, petrified listening to my GP discuss whether it was worth calling the police or not.

• GP were too old to cook so would feed us McDonalds every day which resulted in some serious weight gain. I was relentlessly bullied by my parents about it, which they said they were doing it to 'encourage me to lose some weight' – I was 12.

• One Christmas, DP were too hungover to do anything with us, stayed in their room and left me to it. I think i managed to make some instant noodles for my lunch.

I know they spent a lot of time away from me during the time they had their affairs as I'm sure it was much more exciting to be with these new people in their lives. But this is something that I would never even consider doing to my DS and it hurts to think my parents were like that with me. They weren’t exactly young when they had me either so should have had some sort of maturity.

AIBU to start feeling this resentment now? Or should I put it down to how times have changed and it was totally normal back then?

DP are still pretty selfish in that they don't make too much of an effort to spend time with us which I just think is so sad. DS is 20 months now and the last time they saw him was when he was 7 months old.

Appreciate any comments on this. Please do tell me if i'm being waaaay too sensitive about this and if i should just move on.

That sounds neglectful to me. I'm sorry you had shitty parents.

I found that when I became a mother it altered how I saw my parents, their decisions when I was young and I had a better understanding of some of their decisions but also a lot more baffled and disappointed at others. And I had a happy childhood with parents who prioritised their children and knew I was loved.

I became hugely aware of what could impact my own DC. In my case my DM marvels at us modern mothers who have the internet and it's knowledge at our fingertips or new (gentler) techniques for guiding or teaching DC. You will do it differently to them and that's a good thing.

you are judging yesterday's parenting standards by today's. Lots of parents were neglectful and abusive by today's standards.

I am assuming the OP was born no later than the late 70s and was growing up in the 80s or possibly 90s depending on how old she is now. What she describes was not normal childrearing by 80s standards either, honestly.

They sound bloody awful. I acn't believe people are saying that it wasn't abusive or neglectful for the time. I was a kid in the 1970s and my parents didn't behave like that, they were loving, kind, supportive and nurturing which is how I tried to bring up my own DS

Poor you OP, it sounds shitty but well done for breaking the cycle and being a better parent.

Hugs to you x

YADNBU

Appalling parenting

Thank goodness you know better

OP.

When you grow up in this way, sometimes you don't realise that it isn't normal. It's very common for people to go through this when they become parents to their own children.

I realised in my teens that my upbringing was neglectful and abusive, because I spent time with friends' families who were loving and secure. It still didn't prepare me for the emotions and resentment I'd have when I became a parent. I often wonder how could they look at their children, me and my siblings, and want to do those things?

It's bizarre and confusing. You just have to come to terms with it in your own way.

I don't think it was normal to leave dc every weekend or be so drunk you couldn't look after them on Christmas day. That's pretty shitty. I agree, it was a different era and parenting was not always as it can be today. I remember being left outside the pub with a bottle of Coke and packet of shake 'n' salt crisps-fairly standard. Nowadays it's all soft play and don't let kids out of your sight, or so it seems to me.

I think your parents were exceptionally neglectful, OP. If you haven't had counseling, perhaps you should try it.

Oh OP, I’ve been there too. And I just to feel conflicted about my emotions as I felt many people had had it a lot worse. But my therapist at the time pointed out that many many people also had had it a lot better.

And to PP who said well at least you had pot noodles which means there was food in the house I’d never leave my DC to fend for themselves because of a hangover (I’ve had few) let alone on Christmas Day. Your parents OP were appalling.

I had dysfunctional parents and they were dysfunctional grandparents. I never doubted they loved my son but they were not present for him. BTW my Mother told my siblings and I we were the only reason she stayed with my Father. I never expected my parents to be Norman Rockwell GPs

I also don’t think it’s a stretch to say that by 70s/80s/90s standards your parents did a crap job at parenting. I’m a child of the 70s, and while my parents divorced, was protected and nurtured by them both (but particularly my mother). As were most of my friends, by their parents.

I'm shocked and saddened that people will think you are being unreasonable. Just because things were different years ago doesn't mean you won't or can't feel hurt now.

I was abandoned by my birth parents and grew up in the care system. What happened to me was bad in the extreme and how the social workers sleep at night I do not know.

Then I had my own children and I understand my parents even less, not that I did before.

I've made mistakes in my parenting as all parents do but at the heart of my mothering is I love them, I'm here, they are with me and while I have made decisions I'm not 100% happy with, I am fine with that and they will never know. Being a mother and making the decisions I have have made me feel no longer the rubbish my childhood and the people in it, have made me feel.

I was born in the 60's and my Mum was not the best, there was certainly some neglect there, but she did manage to cook Christmas Dinner and feed us quite well, considering.

She did frequently go out, leaving me and my DSis alone, this was before I was 11 and my DSis was 10.

Oddly, I went through this process the other way round. While my childhood wasn't a fraction as bad as OP's, I grew up with a pervasive sense that children were a tedious bind; that I would never have anyone interested in having children with me (my DPs never discussed relationships, or anything vaguely approaching how people live as grown-ups...and other people often commented negatively on my looks); that I was basically not very competent, and would make a bad parent. Add to possible/probable ASD, and that's a recipe for non-baby-making . I can remember the odd flashes of optimism when I was in 'a good place', when I could picture the future with a couple of kids--but these were very much the exception.

It was getting a diagnosis that threatened my fertilityI was nearly 40 at the timethat turned me from half-heartedly NTNP conception with DP to deciding I wanted to become a parent. Just after, I went badly with clinical depression--which was partly the belated realisation that my parents were just not that much into me. I had counselling once over the worst of the depression, and have pretty much made peace with how my parents are. (Previously, I realise, I spent most of their life trying to get approval somehow.)

While it might sound preferable to have got the psychological stuff out of the way before having children, in my case getting to that point it nearly cost me my chance. I was 40 before I could ttc properly, and I was very lucky to have DD at 42; at 45, I'm unlikely to have another.

OP, you don't have to forgive your parents: there is no automatic right to that, and neither does not doing so reflect badly on the non-forgiver. But counselling might be useful to come to terms with your parents' attitude, and to help draw a line of how much engagement you want with them. (Many people find they are happier when they no longer try to force the 'happy families' cliche but find a more distant accommodation that is sustainable.)

@notacooldad I agree. A year ago, I brought up the subject of the guilt I felt towards my grandparents. (DP decided when I was 14 to move countries to get away from their affairs and start afresh, leaving my GP behind). I felt terrible about it and although I had no choice at the time, the guilt of just suddenly leaving my GP got so much for me. Anyway, when I brought that up with my DP, my dad said, 'I recall you, at the age of 5, kick your grandmother during one of your tantrums, so you didn't treat them terribly well either'. I was absolutely fuming when he said that, basing the actions of a 5 year old to justify things. From then, I knew whatever I said wouldn't be met with any sort of compassion.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me, it is both a relief and really sad to see how many people reassess things after having children in a negative way.

I really hope that one day my DS will be like other pp here and look back and think what loving parents he had and hopefully let DH and I be part of his new family xx

I can relate
Seeing your childhood through a completely different lens after having your own children
This is a big thing