Resentment growing with DP after having child

[onename]

Has anyone experienced growing resentment with their parents after having their first child?

I always thought my childhood was pretty standard; apart from an affair that both my parents had that split them up for 3 years but they did get back together again (DM told me it was only because of me, which at the time, I was totally fine with at the age of 13).

However, I'm now starting to look back at all the times they have been neglectful at worst, and thinking to myself how I would never consider putting my DS through some of the things they put me through. An example of of things like:

• Shipping me off to stay with GP every weekend in their tiny flat. They were too old to do anything with me so we would spend all weekend in that flat.

• Disappearing for days on end without telling my GP, I still remember at the age of 11, petrified listening to my GP discuss whether it was worth calling the police or not.

• GP were too old to cook so would feed us McDonalds every day which resulted in some serious weight gain. I was relentlessly bullied by my parents about it, which they said they were doing it to 'encourage me to lose some weight' – I was 12.

• One Christmas, DP were too hungover to do anything with us, stayed in their room and left me to it. I think i managed to make some instant noodles for my lunch.

I know they spent a lot of time away from me during the time they had their affairs as I'm sure it was much more exciting to be with these new people in their lives. But this is something that I would never even consider doing to my DS and it hurts to think my parents were like that with me. They weren’t exactly young when they had me either so should have had some sort of maturity.

AIBU to start feeling this resentment now? Or should I put it down to how times have changed and it was totally normal back then?

DP are still pretty selfish in that they don't make too much of an effort to spend time with us which I just think is so sad. DS is 20 months now and the last time they saw him was when he was 7 months old.

Appreciate any comments on this. Please do tell me if i'm being waaaay too sensitive about this and if i should just move on.

there is a difference between "times change" and neglect.

Not wearing seatbelts/car seats, playing out, sitting in smokey pubs with a bag of crisps is the former. Being left for periods of time is the latter.

OP I'm going through the same process now. After my DS was born all the old memories of my parents' crappy parenting surfaced, and built into a resentment that occupied all my thoughts when I wasn't busy with DS. It peaked at 6 months, and then slowly started to fade away when an by low contact. I wish I had tried counselling. I feel slightly more neutral and detached about it now, but I don't want a relationship with them any more, and am maintaining a tenuous long distance link out of guilt as they are desperate to know DS.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice except to consider counselling.

Thanks everyone, some really lovely and understanding comments which I am so grateful for. It's a relief to know that I'm not the the only person where parenthood has made me see things as they were.

My GP were very old in their mid 80's and early 90's and didn't drive (they had my mum very late in their lives). I don't see how they could've even made it to the supermarket with me and my sister in tow, let alone cook. Tbh I'm just grateful they spent the last few years of their life looking after young children. And also very guilty they didn't have a relaxing time.

I do think that I should look into counseling, thanks for suggesting this, I haven't even thought of it! Even if it's just to help me let go of the resentment and that lump I get in my throat whenever I think of my parents. Xx

Look Op, I am well beyond child bearing years, so obviously a lot older than you which means I am a child of the sixties and seventies and I can tell you that that your childhood would not have been considered normal by my parents, or any of my friend's parents. Disappearing for days on end and leaving one's children to fend for themselves on Christmas day was not normal then anymore than it is now. You were just unlucky in having selfish and feckless parents, who probably shouldn't have had children. It is not surprising that now being a mother yourself you look back with horror on the way that you were treated as you know you would never do that to your DC. At least your DC will never experience what you did as you will ensure that you don't repeat that pattern of parenting. I am sorry you did not have the kind of parents every child deserves, it must hurt and I think it is only natural that you are feeling the way you do. All I can recommend is concentrating on your own family from now on and I think the recommendation for counselling is a good one to help you come to terms with your feelings, which are perfectly valid. I wish you well.

Someone suggested to me on MN to try counselling before the resentment and negative feelings are picked up on by your lo. That's a good enough reason if any to try it.

YABU - as you are judging yesterday's parenting standards by today's. Lots of parents were neglectful and abusive by today's standards.

I'm not sure it's ever been deemed a good standard of parenting to behave as OP describes her parents doing.

I feel the same since having dc’s. I always thought I had a pretty good childhood but that was probably because I was allowed to do what ever I liked. From the age of about 7 I was allowed out alone or with my older brother, would spend all day out of the house during the summer, as long as I was home by the time it was dark my mum didn’t worry. My dad was rarely around and when he did spend time with us it was to do something he wanted to do or he we take me to work with him for the day. I have memories of my dad getting drunk and my mum screaming at him calling him a useless bastard. My childhood wasn’t awful but it’s different to how I want to raise my kids.

I think in is very common once you become a parent yourself to review your own childhood from a different perspective. This can lead to greater understanding of your parents but sometimes, as in your case, it can bring out other feelings which you need to process. Later your feelings may move on again - it can take many years to resolve all this in your own mind

Of course it's not fucking normal. YANBU, and I'm so sorry. Why do people minimise this kind of thing?

OP. It sounds pretty awful. Mine and my partner's parents were similar. I just call my parents on their birthdays now -- once a year. We look at it this way: at least we learnt what kind of parents we wouldn't want to be! The resentment doesn't go away, but is less intrusive with minimal contact. And it's good to confide in someone who gets it.

You are entitled to feel how you do. Yes, your childhood sounds horrible. Yes some have been treated far worse, but still...it's not a great childhood. All you can do is learn from it by being the opposite kind of parent for your child. I wish you all the best.

Slagging OPs parents is not judging them by today's standards. If OP has an 20 month old, she's likely no more than mid 40s and could be a great deal younger. So several of the incidents mentioned are from mid 80s at the earliest, and could well be noughties era. Some things have changed since the 80s, yes, but this was shit parenting at the time.

It doesn't sound ' normal' from my childhood expierence and those if my friends and family. Nor does it sound ' normal' from my children's life when they were kids or their social group.
However working with teenagers and their families I see this a lot. It's this type of parenting that is flagged up to social services and teams such as the cone I work with are brought in to support the children. Usually many other agencies are also involved. There may not hsve been these services when you were younger.
I understand your upset but I would be concerned about brining it up with them if in cases it gets turned round and thrown back at you and hurt you more. People are good at doing that when they feel defensive or under attack.

The anger was the same for me as Learningtodrive. It completely consumed me when dd hit about 4 months old. As dd has grown older, I do start to really understand how hard parenting is. But the way that I was treated didn’t start as an older child. I remember feeling worthless and stupid at age 3. Therapy helped a lot.

Glad this threat has helped a little OP. I'd thoroughly recommend counselling. It helped me be a more balanced parent as through counselling I realised I had a skewed view of some things which was causing me unnecessary difficulties.

There are many examples but a simple one was that I used to feel incredibly uncomfortable if DS was alone in his room. He might have been building Lego, drawing, or more recently listening to music or playing guitar. I hated him being alone in his room as I linked it to feelings of isolation, fear etc etc.. I assumed he was unhappy in there, which made me very uncomfortable. Through counselling I realised I was placing my own childhood experience of fleeing to my room to escape beatings, shouting and other unpleasantness on my son enjoying a bit of peace and quiet in his room.

what you describe was not normal for 70-80's

it was normal to let children do things by themselves younger walk home from school age 6 alone; go to shops for your parents at 6-7, left in car while they went shopping, or occasionally outside a pub, expected to amuse yourself, it was ok to play out with your friends all day just coming back for meals, it was ok to leave 8-9 year old for an hour or two but not days; if you went to your grandparents it was for a holiday/ visit not that you were dumped there without either you or them knowing where your parents were;, often grandparents were the only childcare as less other options

your grandparents obviously did their best but being so elderly it wasn't enough but you don't resent them because you know it was their best even if not great, you resent parents because they severely lacked by standards at time

but parents did buy presents ( but generally only at christmas birthdays) make christmas special put food on the table albeit with take or leave it option, they didn't leave little kids overnight alone or give them pot noodles all the time

I think a lot of people have a child and decide that they couod never parent their child the way they were parented.
That’s pretty normal imo.

What does c9me out for me is the fact they just weren’t there for you. As if you were an afterthought but their life, their needs and wants always came first.

I wouod cll that neglectful. But it was t a great childhood either.

I was born in the 50s and this would have been considered neglect back then.

I don’t understand the minimising either!

Sorry OP, but your parents were neglectful and abusive. You are 100% correct to never treat your children in that way.

I hear you OP. I look back on my mum’s behaviour and find it absolutely bizarre. I wasn’t taught lots of basic things like washing and brushing my teeth. Sent to school with no lunch. Just weirdly neglectful. I think my mum resented me and I still don’t know why.

All came to a head after my ds was stillborn and I felt that I’d lost him because I didn’t deserve anything nice in my life. Long story short.....I had years of counselling, much of which was very painful, but I’ve let go of as much of it as I ever will. Sending you a hug and .

They sound disgusting excuses for parents. Bullying your child and abandoning them - noodles for Xmas dinner? I'm flabbergasted that you even wonder if you're unreasonable or not - YANBU not even one speck.

Like others said you intuitively know these are shitty ways to "parent" and you won't do the same. Your child is lucky to have such a self-aware and loving mother.

YABU - as you are judging yesterday's parenting standards by today's. Lots of parents were neglectful and abusive by today's standards.

What a load of old tosh! This isn't the first time I have seen this sort of twaddle spouted on here - do you really think today's parents are the best there have ever been? How arrogant! There has always been neglect and selfish parenting - which your childhood was OP - but to say that the parents I look around me and see today are better than my parents (brought me up in the 50s-60s) and their parents before them is just delusional and very unfair.

No that wasn't normal. Normal "abuse" back then would be things like homophobia, lesbophobia, sexism, racism, things like that. Getting so drunk that you leave your kids alone on christmas, and spending your time having affairs instead of focusing on your children, was never an acceptable way to behave.

OP, I'm sorry you went through that. It's normal to be resentful, they dumped a whole bunch of baggage on you that you shouldn't have to carry. Sadly enough, it might take decades to unpack. A GOOD therapist could help greatly but if you go down the counseling road, be quick to dump a therapist if they're not helping, and look for a new one. A bad therapist is worse than no therapist at all...

That's awful and so sad you were treated like that - they sound terribly selfish and neglectful.

My mum wasn't fantastic and my dad was pretty much out of the picture but she would never have left me to my own devices on Christmas day!

I'm really sorry your childhood was like that - you have no blame, you were a child, they wronged you and you have every right to be resentful.