To ask for your not perfect birth stories...

[TwittleBee]

Hi there,

So recently found out I am expecting DC#2 and I am already terrified of labour. But after having a real good cry and talk about it with DH last night on drive to a fireworks display I realised I am not scared of the trauma but scared to fail again. I sobbed because I am scared to fail this DC during labour and birth like I feel I did with DS.

DH tried explaining to me I haven't failed but it didn't really help. He said I need to hear more people's stories of their not perfect births to realise it is normal what I went through etc.

I've woken up this morning and wondering now if perhaps he is right. During pregnancy with DS all I was exposed to were good birth stories and NCT and ante-natal and hypnobirth classes all told me to dismiss negative birth stories. But I feel like that might be what is contributing to my feeling of failure, I feel like I should be dismissed because I had a negative experience.

I suffered with PND and PTSD from my last labour. Please share with me your experiences to help normalise them for me.

I totally get the feeling of failure. I still feel awful about my DC2's birth 19 months later. I think my body is just not very good at birthing babies.

DC1 was induction at 13 days overdue, I think she had no intention of ever coming out on her own! I needed ventous in the end but DD came out fine.

With DC2 I missed his birth completely, I was knocked out with GA 1hr 30m after arriving at the hospital at 6cm. I never even fell for all the natural birth stuff, I was up for any pain relief on offer. But I still feel like I let DS down by not being 'there' as he was born.

I had gone into hospital for reduced movements ..then my waters broke whilst I was being monitored.
All fine until despite being induced with the drip I was still labouring nearly 24 hours later (no pain I had demanded an epidural before the drip was placed) I developed an infection which resulted in me projectile vomiting and shaking - I wasn’t even 4 cm dilated.
I had been incredibly vocal about my feelings on the use of high rotational forceps (I personally feel these are barbaric and if they have time to prep for this they can prep for a section - I was also pretty vocal about my views on episiotomy being used in some instances as a time management tool controversial opinion I know) anyway I was prepped for section due to not progressing and babies heart rate dipping...and I remember the midwife being quite short with me stating that they don’t do high rotational forceps on a weekend anyway so it wasn’t because of my preferences or views I was getting a section!
Despite being an emergency section it was all very calm my only sadness was that my baby also developed an infection during labour so was whisked away pretty quickly to nicu for iv antibiotics.

For reference all through pregnancy I had a massive fear of birth injury and probably did way too much research into it.

79fleur with DD I was telling anyone who would listen that I didn't want forceps and I wouldn't consent (mostly because of what MIL went through having DH, which was an absolute trainwreck of a delivery that makes mine look like the most ideal lovely births ever).

They didn't even suggest them as an option, but whether that was because of what I had said, or because they didn't think they would work (given that the ventouse had done bugger all) I don't know.

With DS, I went 2 weeks overdue but was having contractions (painful but not really dilating, couldn't sleep or anything) for 5 days before.
After 12 hours in the delivery suite I began to push, his head came out but his shoulder was stuck behind my pelvis (shoulder distocia) he finally came out, blue, and has pooed and swallowed it. Was whisked off, had a gas mask put over his face, then once he was breathing ok was taken for an x ray as they thought the midwife had broken his arm as she tried to get him out.

DD1 - was induced 2 days after due date because of what happened with DS. Labour was 2 hours 5 mins start to finish. Placenta came out but no sac... had to have that fished out by a surgeon with a foot long pair of tweezers and was told if there was any left in there I could get septicaemia.

DD2 - went into labour naturally 2 days before due date. Was told it would be quick due to how quick my second labour was..
After being in full blown labour for 8 hours, in walked a registrar who had been an absolute bitch to me and made me cry when she was covering for my consultant. Convinced me to have an epidural. I had it, it didn't work, and 7 years later I'm suffering horrendous migraines due to it.

Devilla you’re so right about NCT.

Someone from my NCT group had a similar situation to me but didn’t feel like she should take pain relief and ended up traumatised!

NCT is only good for making friends, the actual content is crap and all rose tinted glasses (in my opinion). I’d rather they had told me my baby would breastfeed for 15 hours a day while I cried in agony.. and about the terrible post birth constipation!

But nooo it was all - your body knows what to do, and women have been giving birth since time began, if birth was so bad we would all be only children... etc.

I didn’t totally object to forceps and had my baby of been in a life or death situation I would have let them do anything..but there is a difference in my opinion to a low lift out and a high up intervention wich is most likely to cause birth injury to both mother and child.
I also did NCT and whilst I have made good friends from it that’s about all it was good for...in a group of 6 of us including myself 2 were c sections and 3 were subjected to forceps one of wich was a high rotational forceps wich did result in double incontinence and ptsd for my poor friend.
We were given very different odds in the class ...no one is asking people to scare pregnant women ..but rather than handing out knitted boobs to talk about breast feeding ..maybe also be honest about the likelihood of instrumental delivery and what help is out there post birth if that is your outcome.

I did everything 'right' in pregnancy. Yoga, vitamins, NCT etc. I wanted a natural water birth, drug free, music playing. An alarm went off during labour, baby got stuck and stressed. They ran me into theatre for a crash c section, general anesthetic all very dramatic. But is was ok, really, it was ok. Me and baby were ultimately fine.

So I may have 'failed' at a natural birth but I'm fine with that, there is a lot in life I have succeeded at - for instance my spaghetti bolognaise is outstanding :)

Perfect is different for everyone. After my previous experience with #2 I wanted to be on hospital, not racing there or getting caught out. I wanted the light up me nether regions to keep an eye on my pushing, and how my well repaired tear was holding up. I wasn't averse to pain relief. And that's what I got.

Waters went, contractions started shortly after. Headed to hospital for antibiotics due to strep b. 2cms dilated at this point. Then went from 2-10cms in about 20 mins which was intense, and all 8lb6oz of him arrived about another 20 mins after that. With two midwives keeping a close eye, one of whom coincidentally had been my community midwife through the pregnancy so knew my worries.

So quite medicalised and therefore not to everyone's taste, but very healing for me compared to the previous occasions where I felt out of control, and ignored.

You are not a failure op 

My first birth was horrific and I suffered with PTSD for most of the first year. I still have horrible nightmares over it occasionally.

Waters broke spontaneously at 39 weeks. No contractions after a couple of days and I had to be induced. The pain and contractions were virtually instant. After 3 hours I said I need to push. Midwife told me that I wasn't ready to push and asked if I wanted some pain relief. Within about 5 minutes, I was then screaming at her that I couldn't stop myself pushing!

Baby was out very quickly and huge! I then had to be rushed into theatre for surgery as I had lots of internal tears and was haemorrhaging, barely got to hold my baby.

I still have issues now and am having to have further surgery to try and establish why I'm having problems controlling bowel movements. It's depressing!

But my second birth was an ELCS and the most amazing experience. I did find it very healing.

Good luck op x

Firstworddinosaur Can I come for dinner?

Perfectpeony oh do not get me started on the BFing stuff the NCT rolls out. The BF tutor we had was awful, she said all women can BF and those who cant either are lying to themselves or are doing it wrong! After seeing my sister struggle to BF and the pain she was in and the weight my niece lost I was fuming! One of the girls in our group beat herself up for so long as her body struggled to produce enough milk whilst her son was in ICU.

Thank you all again for this.

Upon a bit more reflection I think a few things that contribute to it was how I was told to be quiet when on the open ward going through labour as the women there waiting to be induced / waiting for C-Sec needed their rest. Also the roll of my mum's eyes are her telling me I don't need pain relief as she breathed her first 2 our just fine... I do not think I shall be having my mother as a 2nd birthing partner for sure this time round, she didn't listen at all to me throughout