To ask for your not perfect birth stories...

[TwittleBee]

Hi there,

So recently found out I am expecting DC#2 and I am already terrified of labour. But after having a real good cry and talk about it with DH last night on drive to a fireworks display I realised I am not scared of the trauma but scared to fail again. I sobbed because I am scared to fail this DC during labour and birth like I feel I did with DS.

DH tried explaining to me I haven't failed but it didn't really help. He said I need to hear more people's stories of their not perfect births to realise it is normal what I went through etc.

I've woken up this morning and wondering now if perhaps he is right. During pregnancy with DS all I was exposed to were good birth stories and NCT and ante-natal and hypnobirth classes all told me to dismiss negative birth stories. But I feel like that might be what is contributing to my feeling of failure, I feel like I should be dismissed because I had a negative experience.

I suffered with PND and PTSD from my last labour. Please share with me your experiences to help normalise them for me.

Induction at my request, ventouse because the awkward bugger wasn't breathing, birth hypoxia, special care and lifelong special needs because of the lack of oxygen.

As for myself my consultant told me after birth that it would be a really bad idea to have another baby due to physical and mental health.

That's the edited highlights

While NCT brought me an amazing set of supporting friends, I feel it does a significant disservice by not striking the right balance. I remember being furious with myself and NCT after my birth.

I wanted a water birth. In reality my waters broke 3 weeks early, so that led to induction, epidural, fetal monitor on DS head, major episiotomy, 6 days in hospital, baby in special care, infected stitches, painful breastfeeding, iron deficiency, baby's blood sugars too low, jaundice. Just on and on.

I beat myself up for a long time. Especially over my DS being in Special Care and me being so out of it and using a wheelchair that I didn't think to ask staff to help me go down to see him when I really wanted to and I waited for my husband coming in the next morning.

I ended up with PND and didn't really realise that until I had a breakdown when DS was around 1 1/2. I'd been managing and just thinking my anxiety and guilt and anger were normal.

I saw a therapist for about 6 months and got the tools I needed to manage. 4 1/2 years later most of it is a distant memory. But when I'm tired or run down I still get the odd wave of guilt.

Most of my NCT friend had complications including one with PNP.

You aren't alone. Difficult births are common. And they aren't failures. Roll back 100 years ago and the infant mortality rate was higher. Modern medicine is a miracle getting us through difficult births but I think we have a long way to go to recognise and manage what it can do to the mind.

It's possible to stop blaming yourself. I got there in the end. Be kind to yourself OP, take it one day at a time xx

You are not a failure. It makes me so frustrated that women are made to feel this way because of these cult-like attitudes to giving birth.

I had a horror birth with DC1, failed induction ending in an EMCS. When pregnant with DC2 I spent a big chunk of time reliving it and having panic attacks. I had PND and PTSD after my first, mainly due to the birth being so hideous and not at all what I expected. Of all my mum friends, positive, straightforward births that went exactly as the woman planned and wanted are few and far between. None of us are failures.

Please talk to your midwife and/or consultant. Be honest with them about your feelings. Mine were so supportive. If they aren't, ask to see someone else.

I also think you really need to try to get out of the mindset that birth is something you can fail at. Thinking like that will bring nothing positive. Good luck

for you. A crap birth is rubbish and i completely understand your feeling of failure. I felt the same.

I had planned a water birth with dd at a mlu in the next town. Unfortunately not meant to be as my waters went but I didn't progress to Labour.

Eventually I was induced. What followed was awful (although no where near as bad as some of the stories upthread).

I was given a pessary and contractions started cue lots of 'ooh good strong contractions baby will be here soon'.

After a few hours an exam showed I had not dilated and I was put on a syntocjn drip. By this point I was contracting constantly without a break as one decreased I could feel the next starting.

Around 12 hours after first induction I was about 1 cm.

I was offered something stronger than gas and air but refused as I thought I was tired but coping ok and wanted to wait a bit longer. I was then yelled at by the midwife who told me I was clearly not coping as I should be dilated and I was putting my baby's life in danger. She reduced me to tears and I agreed to an epidural so I could get some rest.

Unfortunately 2 attempts failed but punctured my spinal membrane so I had to lie flat on my back and move as little as possible for the remainder of the Labour so as to reduce the risk of leaking spinal fluid. I went through the night it was awful.

Eventually I was given a c-section in the mornjng. I then had complications following the birth from the failed epidural.

With my second dc I was terrified (mostly of another epidural) but also of being completely powerless and being treated like an uncooperative child.

I planned before hand with my dh what would be acceptable and what wouldn't and I made him promise to advocate for me. It was the only way I could manage my fear knowing I wouldn't be railroaded again. He was awesome I had another c section in the end but it was a completely different experience.

My midwife actually came to see me on the ward the next day to tell me that the consultant had said I needed an epidural but dh argued so passionately that the midwives took his side and the consultant agreed to a 12 hour reprieve for me

It really doesn't have to be awful the second time. Make a list of what you can do to make it better and take charge of the bits you can control. Good luck to you Op I hope you get the birth you want.

We don't all fit into the text book birth box

Some of us as just seem better at it than others,

First birth was 11 days overdue, contractions every 5 minutes for 20 hours and not dilating past 6cm. Finally get to 10 cm and he wouldn't bloody move!

Bit of help and finally out with the cord wrapped around his shoulders and then around his neck 4 times so explained why everything so slow and why he wouldn't move and only just missed being taken for a section

2nd time took less than 3 hours and 3 pushes with a 10lb baby boy

Good luck and please don't worry the midwives will take care of you and 2 births are never the same

I lost all control with my third birth, was raging, screaming, angrier than I've ever been, in pain, frightened, apparently frightening for the student midwife. I didn't fail though. It's not failure to experience a difficult birth. My second birth was a bloody dream- the calm, never overwhelming, positive kind you are encouraged to 'aim for'. Did I do anything differently to prepare for each one? No. They were just different births. Having a wonderful experience with ds2 didn't make me a better woman/mother and wasn't anything I'd 'achieved'; having a bit of a tough time with ds3 didn't make me a lesser woman or mother and wasn't something I'd failed at.

Dc1 breach so cesarean
Dc2 tries vbac failed so has cesarian emergency
Dc3 i planned a csection a natural one where i could pul the baby out as i mever got ro experience real natural birth but at 36 weeka i was told the placenta was growing into my bladder. He qas born under a general in 3 surguries non stop over 8 hrs to remove my uterus and cervix along with baby. Im greatful i have 3 beautiful babes but still morn the loss of my fertility

I was induced with my first child (gestational diabetes). It was a 19 hour labour and then he had shoulder dystocia. When they got him out, he was sort of like a dead jellyfish - huge, grey and not moving. The doctors got him going (thank God), then I had to go to theatre because I’d lost so much blood and had a retained placenta.

Unfortunately I had to sit really still for the spinal (and couldn’t) so each time they put the needle in, it sent shooting pain down my left leg. In the end I made them give me a GA.

I totally agree with the feeling of failure. DC1 ended up in NICU with suspected brain damage due to oxygen deprivation during birth. I felt completely responsible. What really helped was going through my notes with a senior midwife who was able to explain to me what happened and why. We did this twice, once shortly after the birth then again when I was about 30 weeks with DC2. It really helped me to understand that it wasn't my fault. I was just very unlucky.

DC2 birth also a shit show, failed induction followed by crash c section. If you'd asked me beforehand this would have pretty much been my nightmare scenario, but funnily enough I found it reassuring! He is totally fine, the c section recovery has been fine and it made me realize that even with tonnes of preparation, thought, worry, you are still completely at the mercy of your baby and your body. In a weird way, it made me feel better about DC1!

Do ask to go through your notes from DC1, as PP have suggested. Take your time and really ask every question you can think of, what will we do if xyz happens again etc.

When I was pregnant with DD2 I knew a group of women who were almost in competition with each other to have the most “natural” 3rd births. The first were usually in hospital, second in birth centre, 3rd at home. One woman had a HB in a birthing pool and shortly afterwards was upfront aboit how the pain had been so much more horrific than she’d expected that she’d half-heartedly tried to drown herself in the pool whilst in labour. However on FB everything was wonderful : the contractions were “surges” and she’d “breathed the baby out into her own hands”.

It was like she couldn’t admit that things had been brutal.

I also had dreams of a waterbirth in the midwife led unit.

After 36 hours of contractions on and off at home I had a haemmorage (I mistook it for waters breaking and looked down to find myself covered in blood.) Went to hospital and put in room in labour ward, doctor decided to put me on the drip due to the continued blood loss. I had an epidural which didn’t work so I had to have a second one.

DD born 6 hours later, came out not crying and had to be resuscitated with chest compressions, then whisked off to neo natal and I barely saw her. I started throwing up, I was starving but threw up at even the slightest nibble of toast. I had to wait for the epidural to wear off before I could shower the sick and blood off and go and see DD.

Luckily she recovered extremely quickly and was back with me by that evening and she’s now 5 weeks and going strong

I really liked NCT but none of us have had the birth we wanted. We all expected to use the pool, no inductions etc. The reality is none of used the pool, most of us induced and two c sections. One of us left to go and I feel so bad for her hearing all our stories.

I planned a homebirth with a pool. I practised hypnobirthing and felt really excited and prepared. I’m a midwife, I’ve seen hundreds of births and although I knew the myriad things that could potentially go wrong, I was confident that me and my baby could do it.

Fast forward to 40+6 and my waters broke in bed at about 11pm. Mild contractions started up shortly after and I was excited. Contractions got much stronger at about 2am. They got increasingly stronger but by 7pm I was still only 4cm dilated, despite feeling like I needed to push (DS was OP - back to back). I decided to go into the hospital for some pain relief as I had been awake since 5am the day before (38 hours) and knew I still had a long way to go. Transferred in to the birthing unit, had some gas and air and some pethadine and a brief snooze between contractions. Eventually made it to 6cm and got into the birthing pool with my music on and sang between contractions. I was having really strong urges to push again but was still only 7cm. By this point I had been contracting strongly for 24 hours. I decided an epidural would be sensible to stop me involuntarily pushing and so I could rest some more. We transferred from the birthing unit to delivery suite and the anaesthetist did an amazing epidural - it was quick, worked beautifully and I still had good movement in my legs. After a little while though, my contractions became increasingly less frequent and the decision was made to start the syntocinon drip. To cut a long story short, I got stuck at 9cm. DS was a big boy and in a really unfavourable position. My cervix had started to swell with the pressure and I had blood in my urine suggesting that labour was obstructed. I knew that waiting much longer would likely either result in DS becoming distressed and is ending up with a category 1 emergency C section (he had already had a bradycardia - dropped his heart rate - once) or eventually making it to full dilatation but then needing a forceps delivery. After weighing up the options we decided that it was time to bail out and have the c section. He was born just before midday, almost 39 hours after my waters broke and contractions started.

I’m thrilled with how his birth went. It was nothing like I imagined but we made the best of a difficult situation. We took logical steps and never jumped into something without fully considering the consequences. I felt like I was fully in control which made all the difference. DS was born healthy and took to breastfeeding straight away.

I had pre eclampsia with my DTs. Whilst we were in hospital, if I didn’t improve the plan was to deliver on my dh Birthday, but the day before (when I was trying to get out to go home!) they decided they needed to get the babies out that day, in a few hours.

Dt1 was born, beautiful cry, amazing, cuddles with my baby, all was going well. They announced DT2 was coming out, and nothing, no noise. I’m begging to know what’s going on, they’re saying they’ll tell me as soon as they know, the room is filling up with an army of medics and after what feels like hours (but was only minutes or seconds, I don’t know because time didn’t exist for me at this point) there’s a tiny little whimper and I got to see DT2 as she’s wheeled away from me to scbu. I can’t move, every part of me is screaming I want to go to my baby, and I can’t do fuck all. I eventually got to meet her a couple of hours later whilst I was in recovery.

I’d planned on this magical moment of meeting my babies for the first time, and beautiful (to me!) photos of us all as a family of 4 minutes after birth, on dh Birthday. They’re ivf babies, so I felt that I’d failed because I couldn’t get pregnant naturally, I couldn’t birth them naturally and that I hadn’t even given birth, and then to top it off my milk never came in so couldn’t feed them naturally either, so total failure.

With the passing of time and taking ads, I’m starting to realise it doesn’t matter how they got here, picking a section was absolutely the right thing for us, and fed is best. They’re happy and healthy, and absolutely thriving, and I’m starting to come out of my pnd fog.

This appears to have turned in to a therapy session post for me 😳

Good luck, and I hope you have the birth you want!

I totally expected to have a lovely calm water birth and “trust my body”. Well my body didn’t have a clue what to do when my baby was the wrong way round and twice the size he should have been! If I’d trusted my body both DS and I would probably be dead. Instead I had an emergency c-section which went well under the circumstances and resulted in us both being alive and healthy. I don’t class that as a failure. I underwent major surgery to ensure that my baby was born alive and healthy. I couldn’t have done any more for him.

Iwantaunicorn I am glad it has for you though! Always good to air it, it seems!

SputnikBear so true, I need to keep remembering that!

What is really strange is when reading your posts I do not believe any of you failed... I certainly do not believe my mum failed giving birth to my kid sister either after everything she went through (think she is bloody made of strong stuff!) And so I think this is helping me shift my perspective of myself!

I am so glad I created this thread now

I had a good pregnancy all the way through. No problems expected for the birth whatsoever, in fact they had a student midwife with me during labour so she could learn what a standard easy birth should look like.

The first stage of labour went well, i was in the birthing pool with gas and air. Then came the active labour, which should only last a couple of hours. This baby was not making an appearance. They got me out of the pool and started monitoring the baby more closely. Her heart rate was starting to drop with each contraction. The urgency to get her out was becoming more apparent. Nobody could understand why i was struggling so much to get her out. The Dr was called in to have a look at the situation. He gave me a time limit to push her out myself (it was 2.15pm and i had to get her out by 3pm), otherwise they were going to have to look at assisted delivery. The idea of forceps terrified me! Or as a last resort they would do a c-section. They had to pump a litre of fluids into me to keep me going as i was flagging. After a hell of a lot of pushing, she eventually arrived without assistance at 2.56pm.

It turned out that she was a very large baby (9lb 13oz) and her head was facing the wrong way coming out, so it was a very tight fit coming out. I had planned a lovely and serene water birth, which i got initially, but it turned into a panic quite quickly and was totally unexpected. But the midwifes and Dr were fantastic and my lovely daughter is now 8 weeks old (and still over the 90th percentile for weight)

Calling any woman a “failure” for suffering birth complications is disgraceful victim blaming! Please don’t do that to yourself.
These tiresome natural birth cults don’t want to blame themselves for creating unrealistic expectations, so they blame the poor labouring women for “not doing it properly”.
The truth is that birth is a risky business. And mothers in Britain are getting older and more obese when they have their first baby, which multiplies that risk. A quarter of pregnancies will end with a Caesarian section - and NONE of those was done because the mother was “a failure”! I’ve never seen that listed as a reason for surgery on any of my patients’ notes!
I hope counselling, or a post birth debrief, will help you to see that you were in no way to blame. Look forward to your next baby with a more pragmatic approach - hope for the best, but prepare to accept whatever medical assistance may be required at the time, without feeling it has any reflection on you or your ability to give birth.
My best wishes for a safe and happy outcome, OP, by whatever method is necessary!

I don’t know anyone who had a ‘perfect’ birth story. Most people had complications or unexpected journeys one way or another. I think that’s why people like to talk about their birth stories, it helps to talk through the trauma.

I had a super fast first labour, was minimised and ignored by midwives. I remember whispering I think I need to push and seeing them roll their eyes and smirk in a ‘silly first time mum’ way. Wouldn’t even let me have gas and air. Cue baby’s heart rate dropping, them having a look and finally realising I was fully dilated and a rush to yank baby out with forceps. Everyone thinks you’re lucky to have a fast labour but it was the scariest, most out of control and traumatic thing I’ve ever been through.

I’m pregnant again and my fear of midwives and the hospital as a result of my poor care is such that I cry before every appointment. I had nightmares for months and still have flashbacks. Wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some sort of PTSD going on. I’m having a home birth this time!

Be kind to yourself, NCT is a load of bollocks.

My daughter was in the back to back position.

I was at home for around 24 hours having contractions 5 minutes apart. I couldn’t sit down or sleep, I was a mess so we called the hospital and insisted we go in.

I was 1cm dilated! Felt like crap so had some pethidine. Managed to rest and got to 3cm. Her heart rate started dropping so had to be taken into the birthing unit to be monitored. They broke my waters and after that I just lost it.

I was screaming and crying and just out of control. Begging for an epidural. Luckily I got one and after that it was fine. I only ever got to 3cm by myself though which felt like a failure as I just couldn’t handle the pain. I had to go on the drip which took hours but luckily I avoided a c section.

If I did it again I would try not to panic but an epidural was definitely the best option for me.

Oh and I forgot to add I absolutely loved giving birth! She had to go to NICU for a day but she’s was fine and by the time we had eaten and slept she was back with us.

No one should ever listen to those promoting natural births - hypnotherapists and the like. Any wonder so many women end up with PND when they feel like an utter failure. Is the baby out? Then you're not a failure, you gave birth.

Pregnant women - take the drugs, forget the breathing through the pain mind control shite. And if you have to bottle feed THATS OK TOO. Fuck the NCT and their agenda.

I never got to full term I had emergency section at 30 weeks to save my life-there I was on life support with a c-section incision.a large gallbladder incision and an inflamed pancreas and on a ventilator due to acute respiratory distress syndrome. Four days later I was breathing on oxygen and saw my baby in NICU in a stretcher on my way to surgical ward. Felt like an utter failure as a mom not protecting my son. Later had MRSA in an incision and a blood clot. Sigh. Definitely had PTSD. Had a psychiatrist consult in hospital after birth but he said I was functioning as expected going through all that.

Just a shame that instead it makes me feel like i failed because I lost control. I just keep recalling the hypnobirth tutor saying how those with bad birth expereinces are the ones who went in negative and/or didn't practice their breathing or good birthing positions etc.

fuck that for a game of soldiers. no amount of breathing and positivity is going to help when a baby decides to come out sideways I'm looking at you DD

the quick version of DD's birth is 48 hour labour, irregular contractions, maximum dose of the drip, bloody awful pethidine reaction, deep transverse arrest (basically, she was facing hip to hip) failed ventouse (by massive doctor with his foot up on the bed), baby pushed back up by midwife, EMCS

DS was equally bad for different reasons. He was an unstable lie, so I had a week on the ante-natal ward and missed DD's 2nd birthday, tried to get him to go head down, gave up, had a CS. He flipped around and got stuck during the CS, was a nightmare to get out, then had a massive PPH.

None of this was a failure on my part!! and anyone who suggests otherwise will be met with a very hard stare. Also, given that they both have bloody huge heads, I'm quite glad they weren't vaginal births!

You may find Juju Sundin"s book Birth Skills helpful - it has lots of ideas on natural pain management but is also positive about the fact that there will be births where these techniques just aren't enough. There's a great chapter full of lovely stories about medicalised births. I'm sure that reading this book beforehand was vital in helping me feel positive about my induction and EMCS. The push for minimum intervention in childbirth is well-intentioned but the idea that natural births are the only good ones is misleading and the pressure it puts on women to manage their reactions is very unhealthy and sets people up to feel like failures.

I had such plans for water birth, play list of favourite music, calming breathing blah blah for my first. As it happened i was 2 weeks over and on my way for the induction when my water broke. Then, after being told many times by many different midwives that my baby was "head down and engaged" it turned out she was neither. As i was labouring very quickly at this point i was rushed into surgery for a emcs. 2 hours after arriving in hospital (and 3 hours after packing the last few things in my hospital bag while totally not being in labour AT ALL) my baby was lifted out of me and into my arms. It was fine, very fast and a bit upsetting but actually fine. I felt very much like I'd done something wrong and missed out on the birth i thought I'd have but all in all it was ok.
My second was supposed to be a vbac - I'd insisted on a scan at 38 weeks to check he was head down because i didn't want to make that mistake again. All going smoothly - both pregnancies were great actually. The birth was a disaster. Again i laboured very quickly, went from first contraction to actively pushing in 2 hours then pushed and pushed and pushed. I pushed for nearly 3 sodding hours and then they started to worry about both me and the baby, they tried forceps and that failed so on to a section. Unfortunately all the pushing and pulling had got him all stuck so my second section was a lot longer and lot more brutal than the first and i had something to compare it to. So, despite having much lower expectations of my "birth experience" this time around this was more traumatising. I lost tonnes of blood and was 2 weeks in hospital recovering.
However, even tho the conbination of my 2 birth experiences gave me ptsd I'm not sure I'd change em. I might not have "done it right" but my god i earned my children and they are perfect and by far the best thing I've ever done. Nothing good comes easy.
And, childbirth isn't easy. It's never been easy. Women died, babies died in great numbers and we live in a time and a place where they don't anymore. That's awesome but somehow it's become another stick to beat women with - "perfect" births should not be something to aspire too because it's not something we have any control over.