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Original poster

Due date of miscarriage and work colleagues baby born

37 replies

claret3189 · 06/11/2018 08:28

So we were.prwgnant at the same.time although they never knew. Their baby was born yesterday and so i have gone through the grieving process. I am happy for them but i really do just want to hide away. The manager is insistant on sending the baby picture to all staff. They probably forgot i was off for a miscarriage. I wish people were more sensitive to childlessness but they just arent

OP posts:
Mangoo · 06/11/2018 08:33

I don't have any wise words other than I've been here, you aren't alone in feeling this way Flowers

I wanted to ignore and never speak to any of my friends with children ever again. The world is massively insensitive to women like us. There are lots of things on a daily basis like you've mentioned above which make me hurt.

We'll make it out stronger than we've ever been though. Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty for wanting to hide away it's completely normal.

GemmeFatale · 06/11/2018 08:35

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Cherries101 · 06/11/2018 08:35

If you have outlook you could Junk any email that mentione the colleague’s name or her baby’s name.

soapme · 06/11/2018 08:37

Oh I’m so sorry.

I’ve been there - a friend announced her pregnancy to me while she knew I was actively miscarrying Sad

I think you just need to ride the grief again I’m afraid - i did when my friend had her baby. it totally sucks.

Flowers
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 06/11/2018 08:37

Unfortunately, miscarriage is a private tragedy. The birth of a baby is socially quite public with announcements and bringing baby in for a visit and everything, so as much as you want too, you can't expect to be kept away from baby related talk around the office. But you shouldn't be getting personal emails like that to your work account. I'm sorry your manager did that, especially when they are the one who knows about your loss and must realise this is hard for you. Grieve for as long as you need to, and don't feel guilty if you walk away from baby related conversation.

Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 08:37

Thanks ladies i did indeed delete it. It annoys me in society how you have to be sensitive to so many issues but when it comes to childlessness its fine. Im also finding the constant questions from everyone and opinions on doing ivf stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 08:39

@soapme that must have been hard. I find once the baby is here i am okay after a few weeks. It is just the initial announcement and the actual pregnancy and then the birth. Once the baby starts getting older i am usually fine...usually 😞

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Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 08:39

@iaimtomisbehave1 yes totally agree..i think.its just the all sending the picture round they havent done that for anyone else before

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TimeToGoToSleep · 06/11/2018 08:40

Same thing happened to me.

If you are friends on facebook maybe hide her page. I used to see photos of my colleague’s child growing up and it always used to remind me I should have a child that same age - it was a much bigger reminder than seeing other children that age.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 06/11/2018 08:40

I'm sorry for your loss.

I understand how painful it is to go through this. My only advice to you would be to keep your head down and only engage with the situation if you are confronted with it. Have a few phrases stored up to mention when people speak about the new baby. Pop out for lunch etc to give yourself some space.

Personally, it took about 4 months for me to visit my friend's baby when I had a similar thing happen to me. It's not easy so disregard anybody that judges you for taking your time.

Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 08:44

I am sure there are sadly many wonen in this same situation. You cant helo feel very alone though. I think its hard for my husband to even understand the intensity of the feeling too

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KeysHairbandNotepad · 06/11/2018 08:49

Yes , it feels very lonely indeed.

I found that a few colleagues came to me and spoke about their own battles when I suffered a loss. About 5 members of the staff team in fact. Just wanted to say that you're not alone and others probably feel exactly as you do.

Worried74 · 06/11/2018 08:50

I am sorry for your loss. It really is hard as to the outside world nothing has been lost but for you all the hopes and dreams of a little life have gone and it hurts so much. I suffered from recurrent miscarriage and at work just after returning from a miscarriage they sat me next to the only pregnant women in the department, when I raised this was told by senior manager you can have an abortion up to 24 weeks and as I lost my baby pre 24 weeks what was my issue. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 08:54

@worried74 thats awful. I am sorry you have been through it so many times..i think.people forget, when they are congratulating people it is exactly that. Having a baby is a massive thing and therefore losing a baby is a massive thing too. May i ask, have you or are you still trying to have a baby. I dont know id i wish to do ivf again

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BolleauxtoBankers · 06/11/2018 09:14

My sympathies, claret3189, I am so sorry for your loss. You are so right about losing a baby being as massive a thing as having a baby full-term. When I lost my first baby, at 22/23 weeks, (apart from the complete lack of empathy from the doctors trying to find the cause of the miscarriage months later) the main thing which upset me was receiving letters in the post about summer camps for children - I'd obviously got on some mailing list when I was first pregnant and I kept on and on receiving this mail. Still upsets me 25 years later. The other thing was my husband's fault, he didn't tell some old family friends of his about the miscarriage and they blithely rang up round about the due date to find out all about our new baby. They got a slight shock when I answered the phone and then choked and burst into tears and passed the phone to my husband.
Flowers and thinking of you, and all the other ladies who've undergone similar. Worried74, I would have handed my notice in on the spot, if I were you and could have afforded it, that is absolutely disgusting. I am outraged on your behalf.

Mangoo · 06/11/2018 09:22

I'm still trying, I've had 4 miscarriages so far.

I often feel like giving up but I know I won't. Allow yourself time to grieve, it's so so hard but don't give up Flowers

Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 09:26

Thank you ladies you are all certainly very strong.

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M3lon · 06/11/2018 09:38

I don't think it would be inappropriate to ask the manager politely to not include you in such mailings. It might highlight to them what they are doing is wrong and save someone else from their thoughtlessness in the future.

A simple 'Please could you take me off the list of people receiving baby photos? This is an incredibly painful time for me as the baby I lost would have been born around now.'

Katiecausesmischief · 06/11/2018 09:39

Sending much love your direction OP.

I had a lot of miscarriages for over a decade and had to deal with lots of team members getting pregnant and having babies without any of them knowing we were trying. It was very difficult.
People made comments like ‘well you are clearly a career woman’ and ‘you are devoted to your job so no time for children’ with no idea what I was going through as I didn’t tell them.

Now I am mid pregnancy & my family can’t understand why I’m not telling everyone & buying things for the baby. They don’t get that after countless miscarriages I can’t get excited until it is here & healthy. My DM is particularly frustrated by not being able to tell everyone. She just can’t see it from my point of view.

I am really scared all won’t be ok & this is definitely the last chance - I’m mid 40s.

Original poster
claret3189 · 06/11/2018 09:42

@katiecausesmischief i wish you all the best. I would be totally the same i didnt tell anyone we was doing ivf its just not that easy to get excited like everyone else when it was so hard to get there in the first place

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IJustLostTheGame · 06/11/2018 09:43
Flowers I've been there and it hurts. My friend gave birth about a month after my would have been due date. It does get easier OP. It is horrible, but the ache does ease. I will always have my 'ghost baby/child' in my mind. But it has lessened with time.
drspouse · 06/11/2018 09:45

I don't think it would be inappropriate to ask the manager politely to not include you in such mailings.
That's a good idea.
I still see children who are 10 or older who would have been the same age as my lost ones and wonder "what if". We now have two lovely children (younger) who we wouldn't have if we'd had those older ones so it's all a bit sliding doors; and I am enjoying a lot about the stage my two are at, at the moment.

StaySafe · 06/11/2018 09:49

I miscarried twice in my late 30's, while working for a company where there were colleagues regularly getting pregnant and having babies. I spoke to the miscarriage association at the time and discovered how this happens very frequently. Within my own large extended family i rapidly found out that most of my female relation had had a miscarriage at some time, though none of them had told me before I had mine.
This helped me a lot as it must have been the case that some of the new mothers had also suffered in this way, and in any event it wasn't their baby I wanted, I just wished things had turned out different for me. It is hard but I think it is one of those everyday tragedies that you need to put on a brave face in public about. The birth of any baby is a wonderful thing and in a "butterfly effect" way of benefit to us all.

DoingMyBest2010 · 06/11/2018 09:49

You're not alone, time is a great healer, just allow yourself to grief, I never knew how many of my friends and colleagues had gone through it before me. It really helped being open about it. At the same time though, it should not stop someone else from celebrating the fact they've had a new baby. Keep strong.

faeriequeen · 06/11/2018 09:51

We had many losses but it did get easier when we got our ivf miracle. It is so painful, I know, but if you can bear it, I'd try ivf again. Hugs to you op.