To feel at breaking point with DSS's trying to break me and DH apart.

[blockblockback]

Having a really tough time with DSS, he is unhappy and struggling to be with us. DH working really hard to get to the bottom of the issue, seeing DSS alone without me and I've stepped back (a lot of the anger is directed at me)
I've had to block DSS's mum as I was receiving abusive messages from her. DH is having to field daily phone calls, filled with hate, tears and anger. If he doesn't pick up the phone, it's pages of abusive text. About him, the way he parents, how he needs pack me off home while I'm still young enough to re-marry and generally what a dreadful spoiled person I am. DSS isn't allowed to come to our house unless I'm not there, his mum has said he's not allowed to be near 'that woman' so DH is stuck Disney parenting, at the movies, bowling etc. She's done this a couple of times during our 10'year relationship. Basically thrown everything bar the kitchen sink at us, in the hope we break and split. It hasn't worked. I'm generally a strong person but this time I'm close to breaking. I can't cope seeing DH completely broken, getting a few hours here and there to see his son. Trying to balance work and hours of abuse. Most of the anger seems directed at me, maybe it would be kinder to just walk away and give them one less thing to be so furious about. I'm struggling to sleep, eat and DH and I are bickering because we are so stressed. How the hell do I/we cope with this?!

What's the legal relationship between your DH and his ex? If they are divorced, doesn't the agreement spell out visitations? How is she able to dictate that you can't be present with DSS?

Sorry for so many questions, I just can't understand why she has this much control.

He needs to go to court to have a visitation order laid out.

How old is DSS?
We’re you the OW?
After 10 years you would think she would have come to terms with things.
Step back, try to disengage with the drama. Suggest counseling for DH and DSS.

DSS is a young teen.
No divorce - never married.
No legal arrangements, though DH is in the process of putting legal custody in place. Due to her increasing erratic behaviour.
Not the OW, why does everyone one on MN ask that ?

Everyone asks that because it’s a very difficult thing for Ex’s and children to get over. It’s easy to see where the anger is coming from. If someone wasn’t the OW then finding out where the anger is coming from is the next step.

10 YEARS? That’s one angry woman. Why do you think she’s so angry?

Not the OW, why does everyone one on MN ask that ?

Because they're obsessive twats.

Because obviously he and the mother have all this anger for you and it's normally because the stepmum was the other woman.

Why does your stepson hate you?

The lack of a legal custody arrangement is the source of the strife here. She's had no boundaries.

why does everyone one on MN ask that

I did not assume you were the OW, so it's not quite everyone.

The only answer I think is custody set by the courts and cutting contact with her except in emergencies. She won't want to stop harassing him but he needs to tell her to stop and that any contact except in emergencies is harassment.

If you were the OW, that would automatically explain a lot of the bitterness and rage from the ex and the son. I expect that’s the reason for the question.

But in this case you weren’t, so it doesn’t.

As others have said, if you were OW it would explain a lot of the anger. As DSS is a teen, it could just be horrible teen phase.
I have suggested this author on another thread, Michael Carr Gregg has written books to help parents of difficult teens ‘ The Prince Boofhead syndrome ‘ may be a helpful read for you. He provides strategies for dealing with a variety of scenarios.
Good luck

block so sorry you’re going through this completely unnecessary shite.
Please don’t walk away, if you leave DH because of this the only happy person will be his ex.
She’s clearly got a lot of issues and sadly she is really damaging her son with her hate filled vendetta.
I know you said DH is suffering too, but I think he really needs to grab hold of the situation. It’s been 10 yrs ffs!
You must remain solid as a couple, don’t let her poison affect your relationship.
A young teen is at a very vulnerable time in his life and he has had his mother’s venom about you and DH dripped into his ear since he was tiny.
My only suggestion to DH would be to set up a bank account and make regular payments for his son ( proof that he was there for him) try to maintain contact but ultimately I suspect you may have to wait until dss is old enough to realise the truth of the situation.
Good luck! (Sorry to have gone on!)

I wonder what the boys mothers side of the story is.... oh, no, I don't have to wonder, the thread has appeared..

I know mermaid...

As PPs have said
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3415443-to-stop-ds-seeing-dad-due-to-his-step-mum

Ooooh this is a first for me. Back and forth with the thread.
I’m thinking even if block is cruelly deville (which I doubt she is) ex needs to get a grip of her destructive fury before she causes even more damage

{In before both threads are deleted. }

If that really is the Mum on the other thread she has done herself no favours by telling her side of the story.

Other thread has been deleted, as it was “not as it seemed” (aka a pile of bollocks).

The other one has gone POOF!

I believe this one will stay though,as I think it is true.

Not the OW, why does everyone one on MN ask that ?

It does seem to be asked on every stepmum thread. And in this case, even if the OP were the OW initially, it would be very sad if the ex hadn't come to terms with it after all this time, for her sake and for her DS's sake.

But that isn't the case here, so it really is hard to understand.

Re the other thread, maybe MN should provide a mediation service in a case like this??

I don't know why people assume that an ex and child can't just be angry and bitter because they are those kind of people. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree especially when the tree is whispering poison in the apple's ear. Js...

FFS can we have just one step parent thread without the OP being asked if they were the OW 🙄

Just come back, why was other thread deleted?

Even if the OP was the OW, it's completely deranged to keep up a hate campaign for 10 years, damaging your son in the process.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, OP. As PPs have said, your husband needs to get a visitation order from the courts. This is ridiculous.

I don't understand why people let these situations drag on for so long without taking legal action. Unfortunately your DSS is now of an age where taking it to court is more problematic.

The ex has no right to dictate what DSS does and who he sees when he's with his father. What she's doing is parental alienation but honestly I'm not sure what can be done with a teenager who is mixed up and angry. Your DH just needs to persevere in the best way he can.