to be at the end of my tether with forgetful DS9

[greytshirt]

My DS is extremely clever. Hes top sets for everything and passes everything with little effort. However he is unbelievably forgetful and dense. I have to tell him everything at least 4 times. He will then re ask the same questions over and over. I eventually change the answer (for example "what colour is the sky?" say blue over and over then change it to "purple") and he pulls me up on why I have changed the answer. So its almost a habit rather than genuine questions.

He forgets his coat, shoes, hat, gloves WEEKLY. we have to buy new clothes for him on almost every day out/trip/holiday. He has left small items like toys and large items like ipads in places, so it doesnt matter the size/price.

He exits the car and will leave his coat inside, door wide open and just wander off. We call him back every time and make him redo it, so its not a case of him just being spoilt.

I spend half my life re telling him things and calling him back to do things he hasnt done.

Recently I have been making him buy things out of his pocket money. For example he lost his hat - he paid £6 for a new one. This seems to upset him but hasnt improved him forgetting things. I have tried reciting lists to him before he leaves somewhere - nothing works.

Recently he has started losing things in school. He is very innocent and doesnt see bad in other people, no matter what we say. For example he gave away £60 worth of Pokemon cards to a boy in his class because the boy didnt have any (he did and is from a wealthy family so didnt need them). If people ask to see things or borrow things he instantly gets them out and shares, which results in them being taken. The teachers can almost never trace them or get them back. Last week he took in some sweets to share, took them out in the middle of the playground and had people snatching and stealing them. I had told him to give them to the teacher to give out but he hadnt listened.

He came out of school today and informed me hes lost a sporting award he was given yesterday. He took it in for assembly. Apparently he took it out to show his best friend (who is lovely and wouldnt have taken it), then looked away and it was gone. Magically disappeared. Rather than tell his teacher he didnt say anything till hometime then ran round like a headless chicken looking for it (as everyone else left, including the person whose taken the award). Hes come out, 15 minutes late, extremely distressed about it. I do not understand how someone can be this dense. Over and over. I have warned him multiple times not to get things out near people and to take care of his things. He doesnt thing then acts shocked.

His 5 year old brother is the complete opposite of him so we believe its just built in.

AIBU to not have a clue what on earth do I do? I am sick to death of it. I am sick of going into school about things and I am sick of him showing no respect for anything. I feel like I spend my days dreading him coming home to see what the latest drama hes involved in is and then the evenings repeating the same things at him "dont lose things. dont leave things unattended. dont get things out in large crowds".

greytshirt

Him being tidy is a coping mechanism - same as doing something straight away so they don't forget to do it, and it's one less thing to remember.

They 'look' organised, but it isn't about organisation it's about not forgetting things

@Slytherdor (love the name) what you put is my fear and I can see it happening. i just want to help him and worry people will get sick of cleaning up after him and finding his things in school etc. it gets very tiresome (as you seem to know!)

Thank you everyone, I have a list to google and also going to try the checklists. We usually do mental ones but, with another child to also care for, I am perhaps not as focused on DS9 as I could be. Plus he gets very embarrassed to have me standing there saying "coat. gloves. shoes." etc and whines at me. Hes just going to have to understand that until he can remember we HAVE to do the lists.

My son is like this. He has had a working memory test that showed no issue but it is really bad. I often say he is like a little old man with dementia. He does have ASD and possibly dyspraxia (after the ASD diagnose it noone has bothered with diagnosing the dyspraxia).

DS1 was like that and drove me bonkers. He has only recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia.

He sounds like a lot of the boys in my ds's year at school. They are year 4 and are always like this.

@pinkhorse- This is what I mean! There’s nothing wrong with diagnosing where it’s due, but to me he just sounds like a slightly forgetful and scatty young boy- he’s year 4!

You could be describing my older two boys age 8 and 10 here.

I know a few friends parents who say the same - I think it’s an age thing tbh that most will grow out of.

That was my ds who was diagnosed with dyspraxia at 14. It really became an issue at secondary due to all the changes/ books/ equipment. He was constantly forgetting but also not seeing the need to remember if that makes sense. So he never thought..l often forget things so l need to remember today. Its like he never learnt.
It has become better as he grew older. I was very worried when he started to travel a bit as thought he would lose passport and be stranded abroad but that has actually helped him come up with strategies. Its like, for the first time he sees the need to remember. He is also very bright with a great head and extremely quick at catching on to stuff. Except remembering his bits.
He also has dreadful handwriting. Another thing is he never answers straight away although he has a quick mind. Its like it takes another second to drop into his awareness. You think he hasn't heard and then he answers perfectly.
Please be patient with him as its actually quite stressful for them and understanding from others is key.

June can I ask how your ds did at GCSE? My ds is clever but remembering facts is pretty hard for him so I can't see how he will be able to pass things like science!

label everything in massive, permanent letters and don’t allow him to rake anything that isn’t labelled and that he doesn’t need. do not replace lost items except if absolutely necessary. If there is no underlying medical condition, he needs to learn, and be upset is part of that.

Also for the poster who says don’t diagnose, let them be. This is completely the wrong attitude. My DS (9) had devised coping strategies for reading so flew under the radar but teachers just assumed low ability in things like maths and he performed terribly in tests as he would only complete half the test. Though the teacher did say she knew he was capable he just couldn’t show it when needed.

He was stressed and unhappy. Following the assessment and diagnosis the teacher now understands his issues. He’s at the front of the class. He gets 25% extra time in tests. The test show that his verbal reasoning is that of a 16 year old so the teachers understand he is capable but his brain learns in a different way. They are more forgiving of disorganisation and poor spelling.

We’ve just had the best parents’ evening we’ve ever had. My son is so much happier now he understands his brain just learns in a different way. Now maybe your son doesn’t have any of these issues but it’s definitely worth getting him assessed.

How are things @greytshirt? Is anything from this thread helping him?

We are in lreland so different stystem but at that age just average results as wasn't too pushed. His teachers had no faith in him and felt he couldn't achieve much due to constantly forgetting books/ homework. However he did well in his final school exams but has really gone from strength to strength in college achieving a first and staying on for futher study.
But he has a great memory for facts. Its his biggest strength but little memory for his stuff!!

I would see the gp. This sounds like someone I know who has dyspraxia, but there could be a number of reasons, including just being 9!
The dispraxia society had info on copying strategies which may be worth looking at.

A couple of little things I noticed; he doesn't like you standing there reminding him (understandable) gets embarrassed and whines. Put it to him that he can aim to get off the hook by remembering, "If you have everything on the checklist three days in a row, I promise not to embarrass you in front of your mates by asking." If the check reveals a missing object, reset the clock. Have a little chart at home to put it in visual terms, if that is how he responds.
The constant repetition of questions; if you think it's just a lazy habit, you could try, "I just answered that question." Or, "Were you listening just now?". I (partly) cured one persistent offender by allowing him three repetitions before it was my turn, as in "Right, you've had three goes, my turn now, what's seven nines?" Admittedly not my own offspring, but it gave pause for thought, and I knew him well enough to know he wasn't seeking reassurance, just not bothering to stop for a second and take the answer in. It seemed to help him pause long enough to think about why he was asking the question.
Obviously not a child who still needs to constantly ask the same question, and get the same answer for reassurance, but older ones can get slightly stuck at that stage.

@twoshedsjackson thank you for the advice :). If i directly say "youve asked that" or "ive answered that" or directly approach him he claims he didnt hear me or doesnt remember. Its only if i "trick" him by changing the answer that he tells me he knew the original. I know that sounds crazy and like hes out to get me but he is .

hello everyone, sorry for delay in replying, had a busy few days.

I looked into everything and decided to try the lists and if not take him to the dr. After all, if theres nothing there to find then no harm done. I sat DS down and explained to him that I think we should maybe start with some lists to help him remember as it was getting to be a bit of a problem which left him upset and me frustrated (and out of pocket but i didnt mention that). They would be secret lists between us 2
that I could either say to him OR we could write down for me to show him when he comes out of school and he can mentally tick the items off. He seemed down and asked for "one more chance" to prove he could remember things. I reiterated it was not a punishment but ok.

That was Tuesday and he has been on his A game since! He hasnt forgotten anything. Its the most bizarre thing as I would have sworn blind on Monday that he cant help it. He has also been very busy with school and clubs etc, so its not that hes had an easier week. Only time will tell and this may be an act - but so far hes managing it. Seems happy enough (you can tell when hes stressed), bubbly still, just not forgotten anything.

So thank you all for your advice, I have written down every condition/disorder/issue you all mentioned and will see what happens. If he starts to slip we will bring in lists, followed by just getting him checked over and i will update you all. I felt hugely out of my depth on monday and like It was the end of the world and he would never cope with life, and you all reassured me I wasnt alone. Thank you

Like a PP said - I could have written something similar years ago. I have a very bright DS who is dyslexic and has horrendous short term memory issues. He is a post grad at Uni - with a good degree in a reading heavy subject, but cannot for love or money sort out a train timetable. Loses stuff still. Last year left his overnight bag on a train and when he went to buy new pants bought extra large as too confused to check!!! I text him now 10 minutes before he is due to change trains or he will either miss the change or leave something behind.
Always had a reading ages of at least 3 years above his actual age, and when assessed by an Ed Psych, at 17, he was in the top 2% IQ for his age but bottom 4% for short term memory.
As others have said short term memory can be an indication of many things. If you can afford it and get a recommendation- get an assessment from an Ed Psych privately by the sound of it he won't meet the criteria for the school to ask for one. Our learning support teacher could not put her finger on his problems and recommended he saw one. I booked an appt for DS expecting to be told he was bright but lazy- wrong! Wish I had realised his issues years ago.

I agree, it sounds completely normal for a 9 year old. My DS is the same, although he’s older. I visited one of the two lost property rooms at his school and there was so much stuff! I realized then how normal losing stuff is. They even had about 20 pairs of glasses that have remained unclaimed.

Mine is exactly the same OP. Honestly I never understand how someone can be so smart yet so dense.

Hi. I was diagnosed with low working memory with dyslexic & dyspraxia tendencies aged 31 in my second year of university. The ed psych told me I had built up that many coping strategies to ensure I succeeded in things that it only became apparent when the academic work became harder.

I have to prepare the night before if i need a specific thing and it has to be in plain sight, otherwise it will stay there for another amount of days lol.

I'm glad that what you have put in place works for him at the moment and that he continues to do well.

I know my hubby is slowly being driven potty by my forgetfulness so I am empathetic to how you are feeling I.e frustration. Good Luck for the next few weeks :)

Just a quick one for the question asking: if he asks a question more than once, immediately ask the question back to him.
e.g. "Mum, what's for tea?"
"Beans on toast"
"Mum, what's for tea?"
"Beans on toast. DS, what's for tea?"

Making him answer the question forces him to process what you've just said in order to repeat it back to you.

My DS1 was exactly the same . Mind always elsewhere , in DS1 land we used to say.

He is now 13 and has just managed to remember to bring home his PE kit from school with some regularity. First term of yr 8 and he hasn't forgotten it or left it on the bus once. In year 7 he lost it over a dozen times.

Some kids are just like that. DS2 in yr 4 remembers everything, DS1 not so much

I also used to worry that DS1 had some sort of condition, but whenever I mentioned that perhaps we should see a doctor he suddenly got better at stuff!

I have Asperger's Syndrome and Dyspraxia, I was (and still am to a lesser extent) very similar to what you're describing with your son. I was also very bright (though probably not so well behaved at that age) so ADHD is a definite possibility.