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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go against work colleagues wishes

28 replies

AFOLNerd · 05/11/2018 16:40

New guy started at work and quite frankly he is a creep! He has made a couple of comments to me regarding some menial part of the job.
“Aw you would be better at that than me as you are a woman” while stroking my arm! I think he got the message that I wasn’t impressed.

I work with a lovely girl who is pretty young and she confided in me today that he keeps making comments about how nice her arse is, how fit she is etc and generally being a bit touchy feely. I have told her that it isn’t ok that he is doing that but she is worried about the fall out of reporting him to management and has begged me to to say anything.

I have told her that if I see or hear anything myself I will be speaking him and management. We have a lot of young female staff and my guess is that he is behaving like this with all of them, I’m torn between respecting her wishes and not wanting this bloke to get away with it.

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 05/11/2018 16:42

Somebody needs to have some strong words with this man. Does he not read the newspapers?

ContessaGoesMarchingDOWNTOHELL · 05/11/2018 16:42

Report what happened to you and say that you strongly suspect that the same, and worse, is happening to others. If they ask you to elaborate say that you think they REALLY need to talk to the other young female employees directly as it wouldn't be right for you to speak for them. Maintain eye contact and speak slowly while saying that last bit. They'll get it.

BiggerBoat1 · 05/11/2018 16:44

He sounds like a total creep, but I think you can only talk about your experience if you go to management.

Original poster

AFOLNerd · 05/11/2018 16:45

Sorry that should say not to say anything!

OP posts:

Iaimtomisbehave1 · 05/11/2018 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 05/11/2018 16:49

You'd be doing her an enormous service if you gave her enough confidence to empower her to deal with this herself; whether that's her reporting him or telling him to back off.

PurpleTrilby · 05/11/2018 16:51

Needs reporting now, meet with your manager first thing tomorrow. If they don't want to deal with it, take it further up and/or to a union. That guy is definitely a creep and they thrive on secrecy. I very much doubt your firm will want to keep him and lose female staff, which they will. I've brought this up at my work and management have been hugely supportive, the guy has been warned off doing much the same with female staff. If not, I would have left by now, I will not stand for what is sexual harassment and that's what it is. Saying someone can do tasks because they are female is also against employment legislation.

youngestisapsycho · 05/11/2018 17:07

He needs sorting now... he’d have got a loud fuck off from me if he’d stroked my arm! Ergh... get to HR now.

Mitzimaybe · 05/11/2018 17:11

I wouldn't feel able to ignore it. Are you able to speak to some of the other young females he comes into contact with and see if they have experienced the same? Collective action will be a lot easier than you or your colleague having to speak up alone.

Lila288 · 05/11/2018 17:13

If it was me I'd be having very strong words with him myself. But that's probably not good advice.

tiggerkid · 05/11/2018 17:20

I would personally report this to management and HR now. Why wait?

PrivacySettings · 05/11/2018 17:24

OMG report him NOW. That's against the law. If he's just started he'll be on probation and easy to boot out.

Nobody should have to put up with that kind of workplace harassment.

eddielizzard · 05/11/2018 17:24

I would make it clear that his behaviour was inappropriate if he did anything else to me. Keep your eyes peeled and if you see him do something inappropriate, report him. Encourage your colleague to report him too.

rainbowquack · 05/11/2018 17:24

Report. Immediately. Yuck

LizzieBennettDarcy · 05/11/2018 17:26

I was harassed by someone in my first job when I was 19. It was awful, and I didn't know what to say to anyone to put a stop to it. It only stopped because a lovely older lady took me under her wing when she realised what was going on, and told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to me again about anything that wasn't work related, then she would report him.

I will never forget her kindness.

Sexnotgender · 05/11/2018 17:28

Please report him to HR!

FrazzyAndFrumpled · 05/11/2018 17:34

I had to report someone in my first job, aged 18. In reporting it, I had to show the company Directors my private FB chat with this man, which started off as us both bitching about work but quickly took a nasty turn. I was quite worried about reporting it, but not at all ashamed to show them the messages (and let them know what I think without them being able to say anything about it! ). He was fired the same day.

OP, either you need to report it or you need to encourage the other woman to. He sounds horrible.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/11/2018 17:45

We had someone like this a few years ago. He was sacked after a week. I was really surprised that he thought he could get away with this kind of behaviour.

Original poster

AFOLNerd · 05/11/2018 19:24

I have had a chat with her and we have agreed that I will tell management tomorrow about the comments he has made to me and the comment he made to a male member of staff.
“Have you ever asked any of the girls if they will model the underwear for you?” Urghh really wish I was making that one up. Male staff members response was “no because they would quite rightly slap me!” He is happy to go on record with what was said to him.

She doesn’t feel brave enough yet but has promised me that if anything else happens she will come to me and we will deal with it together.

I’m on an early with him on Friday and if he tries anymore comments with me he won’t get a very ladylike response!

OP posts:

gladheart · 05/11/2018 19:33

Good for you for reporting. We have a policy in our office that even if you witness something you are empowered to report. Make sure you don't minimise it. Just state the facts and escalate if need be.

The following is a good guide that I've sent to (many) people over the last couple of years. It points out the legal obligations and has useful case studies so you can check you barometer for this sort of thing. It is against the law.

http://m.acas.org.uk/media/pdf/r/q/Sex discrimmkey pointssworkplace_Nov.pdf

selepele · 06/11/2018 02:03

cannot believe people like this sill exist however don't tell anyone unless you see it she trusted you

selepele · 06/11/2018 02:05

ok she agreed I just seen update.

TheSerenDipitY · 06/11/2018 05:26

if you witness him touching her ass or saying nasty shit, you can go to HR and make a complaint of sexual harassment against him.... as you had to witness it you were also harassed ( she doesn't have to make a complaint if she is scared, your complaint is a valid one) It has been held up in a employment court here in NZ so im sure it would work the same where you are

Alfie190 · 06/11/2018 05:42

I am glad you and the make colleague are reporting him. I don’t think you should report him on the behalf of others. If they don’t corroborate, it could weaken your position.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 06/11/2018 06:23

Yes you are doing the right thing, sometimes it takes a stronger, more mature female to shout up for the quieter younger ones

Id never have spoken up 20 years ago...however now adays id rip him a new arsehole

Go get him

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