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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not find DM "banter" funny?

35 replies

Amazona24 · 05/11/2018 16:09

Yes this seems a small thing but t goes beyond this which will go on forever. Me and DM normally get on great however she can be Negitive and make a lot of digs.
Any way I baked something and was very proud of myself so I sent a picture to her she asked what it was I told her it was raspberry blondies. She just put looks a bit heavy. I said they are suppose to be, well I'm impressed with myself and then she just flew off on one saying I was touchy and couldn't take her "banter". I said saying it looks heavy isn't banter it's a Negitive comment. I mean would I hurt her to say well done that looks good.
She has form for putting a Negitive spin on things or if you tell her something she will throw Negitive comments in to make you doubt yourself.
So aibu to be annoyed at her comments?

OP posts:

Original poster

Amazona24 · 05/11/2018 16:10

When I say go on forever, I meant the thread if I went into it all

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 16:15

Why do you need your mother's approval as an adult? You know she's not likely to give it, move on, enjoy the blondies

Original poster

Amazona24 · 05/11/2018 16:18

It weren't approval I just got excited that they turned out well and wanted to tell someone as in a single parent and live alone with DS.

OP posts:

RhubarbandGin · 05/11/2018 16:20

I get it, my DM is exactly the same. It's not that you are looking for approval, but it just makes everyday life so tiring. I would love to have one conversation with her that doesn't include something negative.

ThankyouLinus · 05/11/2018 16:22

Isn't 'banter' supposed to be funny? I'd be annoyed too OP but if she's got form you're probably aware it's coming, I'd take it with a pinch of salt.

tiggerkid · 05/11/2018 16:24

She has form for putting a Negitive spin on things or if you tell her something she will throw Negitive comments in to make you doubt yourself.

If she consistently does this and then tries denies all wrongdoing when confronted, it sounds like she is a narcissist. If that's the case, the best thing would be to stop sharing anything with her and just stick to minimal and fairly neutral interactions.

Original poster

Amazona24 · 05/11/2018 16:28

Exactly rhubarb just wanted to tell someone as Ds doesn't really understand yet. I guess I just think she will stop the negativity and being hopeful.
She also made a comment before I sent the pic saying I hope they taste better than them cookies you made your DS. He has an allergy so they will taste differently but he loved them but she said all this in front of a women we had just met who was doing my hair. She thought she was hilarious trying to put me down. I brushed it off saying well DS likes them

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 16:29

Stick it on social media or on here and we can all salivate. If she is a negative Nancy don't give her opportunity to burst your bubble

Ollivander84 · 05/11/2018 16:36

Oh I know this one well
Put on a new dress "makes you look obese"
New haircut "you'll need a fringe soon to hide your receding hairline" I was 25
Every friend of mine is always slimmer, prettier, better than me, nothing I do is good enough

No advice, I ended up asking if she was always such a nasty bitch or if it was just aimed at me. That got me 6 months silence

Don't try and get nice comments because you won't, there's no point seeking any approval!

ContessaGoesMarchingDOWNTOHELL · 05/11/2018 16:40

Put the pictures on here op, we're a greedy lot and will always welcome such things!

Alternatively take them along to a baby group or possibly a local Christian-run charity shop (these double as community meeting places round us). They will give you all the praise you could wish for! Or a workplace, if you work. Or neighbours. Basically just not her

slappinthebass · 05/11/2018 16:42

It's possibly the constant seeking of approval is wearing. Or she could just be a bitch who struggles to praise her daughter. Who knows. Why don't you post pics like that on Instagram, find a circle of Instagram friends you can share things like that with instead.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 05/11/2018 16:43

She sounds like a cow, quite frankly. Has she always spoken to you like this?

And yes please, post photos here!!

HoustonBess · 05/11/2018 16:48

Banter is saying something to someone when they know you don't really mean it. It has to have an affectionate core, it should reinforce a relationship because it flags up that you like each other enough to be comfortable with a little teasing and know where the boundaries are.

Your DM sounds like she's just being cold and harsh. Don't seek her approval so much.

AnnaMagnani · 05/11/2018 16:50

It's not funny and she probably does it continuously. If it's any consolation, it was probably done to her by her mother.

The only way to stop her is to stop providing her with supply. You know she will make a negative comment about your baking/new haircut/weightloss so don't post pics or tell her about them.

Post pics on Instagram, or on here in Chat/Food and Recipes, meet some mum friends who will know doubt have mums just like yours, don't take her with you when you get your hair cut.

Just share with her less. Be around positive people.

HoraceWimple · 05/11/2018 16:51

I can’t get my head around people like that, I wouldn’t dream of being so rude! It’s not as if she is the judge on gbbo, all she had to say was “wow they look nice”

tenbob · 05/11/2018 16:57

The only way to deal with people like that is starve them of the opportunities to be nasty

Get yourself an Instagram account and post the pics there instead

Charolais · 05/11/2018 17:00

It took me decades to realize my mother was jealous of me. I honestly never dreamed a mother could be jealous of her own child's achievements etc. Once I figured that out everything made more sense.

MeganBacon · 05/11/2018 17:02

I get the single mum thing - the hardest thing about being a single mum for me (long ago) was not having someone to share the triumphs and disappointments of everyday life with. No-one to pat you on the back. So I totally get that your mum's support over a minor achievement would really mean something.
I bet they were delicious!

ineedaholidaynow · 05/11/2018 17:09

My MIL can be like that at times, although has got better over the years. It can really get you down. She used to say it wasn't her fault that no-one else had a sense of humour!
As others have said post a photo here.

InfiniteVariety · 05/11/2018 17:12

I too was ground down by negativity from my mother.... but on a lighter note, I remember making some cheesecake when I was a teenager and my brother tried it and said, "I suppose it's alright if you sieve it through your teeth". As a hormonal teenager I was mortally offended but now I think that's so funny and if I bake anything now when he's round I say "have you sieved it through your teeth yet?"

Oh the sibling banter !

diddl · 05/11/2018 17:12

If they are supposed to look "heavy" then maybe what she put wasn't exactly negative iyswim.

That said, what then caused her to get cross so quickly?

The fact that you "stood up for yourself" or were still pleased with what you'd done?

Original poster

Amazona24 · 05/11/2018 17:19

char I do wonder about the jealously thing as she's never been a good cook and she knows that. She never taught so that's why I'm really pleased with my self.
megan that is exactly it and the hardest part I find to being a single parent. Gets to you sometimes

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 05/11/2018 17:20

It's possibly the constant seeking of approval is wearing

Especially for the person who has spent their whole life looking for a hint of approval. People who were lucky enough to have loving parents don't understand what it is like.

HellonHeels · 05/11/2018 17:23

She sounds tiresome at best. I dealt with this kind of thing with my own mother by not telling her much; I found she'd spoil my enjoyment of things I shared with her.

I have a couple of friends I could share baking triumphs etc. with, it's just a nice bit of news. Like most averagely-pleasant people I enjoy hearing/seeing (tasting) the things that my pals do. Share with nice people from now on

bellalou1234 · 05/11/2018 17:24

My dm is the same op. Negative belly

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