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AIBU?

Should you have done more?

40 replies

maxxxx · 05/11/2018 15:55

Just putting it out there.
Do you ever feel that at your age/life stage, you should've done more?
I'm in my early-mid twenties, in a rented house with my DP of 5 1/2 years and our cats. (We can't afford to buy)
Currently in a full time job, finishing up training. (Love the job role, but it is highly demanding)
I just feel like at my age in comparison to my friends etc I haven't really done a lot. Lots of them have travelled, bought houses, had babies. I just feel like I'm working 24/7 and not doing much else. (I don't want to travel btw, I'd much rather stay home)
DP and I work different shifts so we don't see each other a lot, we're very happy in our home but I'm just wondering if there's anyone else frustrated at how little they've done? Or if they've found a way not to think like that?

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tiggerkid · 05/11/2018 16:03

I just feel like at my age in comparison to my friends etc I haven't really done a lot.

If you are happy at home and don't want to travel, why do you even want to compare your life with people, who travelled???????

Remember that there will always be people, who are doing better than you and there will always be people, who aren't doing as well as you. The only adequate and healthy comparison you can make for a happy life is whether or not today, in one way or another, you are making progress compared to yourself yesterday and if that progress takes you any closer to where you want to be in your life.

It doesn't matter how well or how badly other people are doing.

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londonrach · 05/11/2018 16:03

You very young. I was the same at your age. Looking back the only thing id suggest is travel as much as you can (we did) but do what we didnt do save money. Do you feel you missing out. My dsis had dc 10 months after marriage and bought house. She regrets not travelling with her dh before children. However shes a bigger house because of this. Swings and roundabouts. Do what you feel you want to do!

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Escolar · 05/11/2018 16:07

At your age I was the same. Left school, went to uni, got a job.

DH and I bought a place together at 28 and got married at 29. Then kids in our 30s. We did some travelling together when we were late 20s.

You've still got loads of time!

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DrWhy · 05/11/2018 16:09

At that age I was finishing my PhD! Hadn’t got a job, a partner or a place of my own! I have done plenty since.
There’s no point in comparing yourself to others, step back and reflect on your life - are there things you would like to do but haven’t yet? Make a plan to achieve them.

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lljkk · 05/11/2018 16:09

I'm 50+ & have made peace with my under-achievements.

There are many people your age (and mine) with poor qualifications, no job prospects, no experience of being responsible for themselves, disaster relationships in every direction, criminal records, a pile of health problems, no idea how and even less ability to organise anything in their lives. Be grateful for the problems you don't have.

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MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 16:11

I'm 34 first one in my closest friends circle from uni to get married and have a baby, only two others out of the seven of us who are pretty much best friends own property. You've got ages yet. If you want to travel do it, doesn't have to be backpacking for a summer, start out with some cool city breaks etc, go to a festival, go see a band or a show, try something new. Do whatever you want to do

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:12

I definitely wouldn't like to travel - the thought of going on a plane horrifies me!
It's not the specific travelling, just more that my friends are doing things like that and they sound amazing. I wouldn't specifically want to travel, just have something like that to talk about and enthuse about, because to me it's my job but that doesn't sound as fun when you're comparing it to "seeing the world"!

I know we're young, but I do feel that everyone's growing up a lot faster nowadays. Like I say, so many people have bought houses and started families etc when I would never have thought of having a child now!

I would love to have bought a house but with the job I have (that I wouldn't ever want to change) there's no way I could afford one. I'm qualifying in the next year so my pay will increase a little but other than that, I'm working all week and feel I have nothing to show for it. I know my job isn't high paying but I love it anyway, but it would've been nice to own my own house. 😫

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GoopWrithing · 05/11/2018 16:14

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I remember having a panicky moment in my late 20s comparing myself to my DM of all people, and moaned at her how I felt like a failure in comparison, because at her age she had a good job, owned a house and had a child already. She laughed and said that by that logic at the same age she should have been panicking because in her late 20s my DGM had a farm with loads of animals and several children. Obviously there's a "different times" element there, but different circumstances and different choices always mean different paths to life.

I'm pushing on 40 now, and haven't really created a career, and haven't been able to have children, so it's not the life I had planned, but life goes on and you'll always be miserable if you're constantly comparing.

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GoopWrithing · 05/11/2018 16:15

^meant to write "because at MY age she had a good job" etc

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:18

@Escolar that sounds perfect.
Do you mind me asking how you bought? Did you both just save continuously? Did you rent/live at home whilst you did? Did you both go out or just save all the time?

I would love to save to buy a house in the future (as would DP) but calculating even if we saved every penny we got paid we wouldn't be able to afford a deposit in ten years!

There's no option to go "home", I love our house but it is on the pricier side of renting (we lived in a house share, then a box room flat, now rent a two bedroom house as we saved up to be able to move, but I can't see us ever affording to leave!)

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THEsonofaBITCH · 05/11/2018 16:19

By 28 years old - millionaire who had many adventures, saved lives, travelled had a grand time. At 38 broke, barely living and starting life all over again in a new country. Now life is closer to young me and thinking of starting a new career in yet another country. Things can and will change that is the only thing you may be sure of. Just try to make tomorrow better than today and find out, so you can focus, what is most important to you.

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:21

@GoopWrithing wow, what an awesome motto to live by.

I guess it's true that there's always going to be people doing less, but you just don't really hear about them.

I deleted all my social media's a few months ago after getting sick of hearing people blasting everything online. I lost quite a lot of friends doing that as we only really kept in touch through "liking" and commenting etc.

I don't know, I think there's just multiple things I'd like tied up that to be fair probably will be in a few years. It's just annoying as well when you get the "Oh.. you're renting?"

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HollySwift · 05/11/2018 16:24

I’m 30 soon and have had this a lot recently as, naturally, I contemplate this milestone. I don’t feel anywhere near old enough to be in my 30s and not having ‘grown up’ achievements is definitely contributing to it!

But, I don’t have those things because I chose to take a different path. I had my first child at 18, just before the financial crash so my amazing plan went pear shaped (lost my job, got stuck in rented due to inability to save for a mortgage with no job etc).

Sometimes you have to look at where YOU are compared to where YOU were to properly evaluate things, not other people’s journeys. 10 years ago I couldn’t have dreamed that I’d be married, with a lovely big (albeit still rented) house, 2 cars and 4 lovely children. I am a ‘respectable’ middle class Mum these days, not a teenage fuck up.

You will get there in time, with hard work.

Sit and think, when you’re 30, where do you want to be with your life? What can you do to achieve it? Because nobody is going to do it for you!

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Mesmeri · 05/11/2018 16:29

You're in your early/mid 20s! You haven't had time to do much yet! You've trained and found employment in a job you love, and you're living with a person you love. That's terrific progress for your age. What other stuff do you feel you should have done? You're not keen on travel. The house and kids will probably come by and by if that's what you want, obviously makes sense to get the job sorted first. And you're only in your early/mid 20s.

What you want right now may well completely change out of all recogntion by your late 20s/early 30s. (Well, it did for me, anyway. Not that I would have believed it if someone had told me that when I was 24.)

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Fairyliz · 05/11/2018 16:35

Wow I can't believe you know so many people who have children/bought houses at early to mid 20's!

My daughter is 24 still lives at home and none of her friends have a house or child! I live in the Midlands and most young people around here don't seem to do that until early 30's.

If you have found a decent partner and are living independently away from home you are doing well.

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:39

@Fairyliz that's very reassuring to hear!
There are a couple of my friends that have moved back home, but they're mainly ones that have got married or engaged and things haven't worked out.

Maybe I just have an odd friend group 😂 or maybe it's Norfolk!

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bluetrampolines · 05/11/2018 16:40

Compare yourself to yourself, it takes the pressure off completely.

I've done being a mummy and am about to throw myself back into my career. I guess ill come back in 10 years to answer this question.

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eightoclock · 05/11/2018 16:42

I don't know anyone who had children before about 28. Now many of my friends who are married and have children have started to have relationship issues/split up.
Everyone has problems at some point so no point comparing. Try and work out what you want. Sounds like you really want a better paid job so you can afford a house. So can you train/get promoted in your current role, or work towards getting a similar but better qualified job? Or perhaps you could consider moving to a cheaper area of the country? Instead of travelling are there hobbies you would like to get more involved in?

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Stubbornuincorn · 05/11/2018 16:50

I feel ya OP. I’m 25 and my DP is 28. We did manage to buy a (shoebox) house last year, but most of our friends (similar ages) are in two camps - either travelling/living abroad/partying it up, or are now married and have/are expecting kids.

We don’t fancy the party/travel lifestyle anymore but aren’t ready for kids, and certainly can’t afford a ‘forever home’ so just feel kind of in limbo.

I’ve actually had a really tough year wondering if we are where we are supposed to be, feeling anxious over job prospects, making decisions for the future/what if house prices go down and we are stuck etc. I think quarter life crisis is definitely a thing!

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:54

@eightoclock I'm supposed to be qualifying in the next few years, then I'll be in the same job with a little more money. My career is the kind that when asked about people laugh and say "you're not in it for the money then". There's ways I could change it in the future that I'd like to but they might not increase the pay. There are managerial sides of it I could work to get into that may pay more but I wouldn't be doing the side of my job that I like. So it's difficult, I love the roles of it etc it's just rubbish pay. My friends that work in retail get paid almost double which can be frustrating as it's a high demanding physical and mental job.

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:56

@Stubbornuincorn that's exactly the same as me!
Definite 50/50 of people travelling and doing amazing things and the rest buying and having families and then the odd few stuck in the middle not knowing what to do.
It's the constant fear of telling yourself "Ah imagine when you're 30 it'll be loads better" then realising how not-very-far-away that is and having the dread again!

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PlainJane007 · 05/11/2018 16:57

I am over 50 and still finding new things to do/achieve/get involved in. I met my DH at 28 and had first child at 35. You are doing great! You have plenty of time. As previous posters have said, compare yourself to yourself... Not others. Unless you see somebody doing something you want to be doing. Then use them as inspiration to get going. A friend of mine writes a list each year of things she wants to do that year, even small things such as going to a pub or restaurant that's been recommended or visiting a town they haven't been to. It makes it more likely they will do it and it's fun to work through.

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 16:57

@Stubbornuincorn either that or you start saving, realise you're still miserable wasting your 20s doing nothing but counting money and think Forget it, have a good night out or do something fun and immediately feel bad about the amount of money you've spent that could've gone into savings!

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Stubbornuincorn · 05/11/2018 17:04

I feel a constant struggle between wanting to save as much as I can to try and ease my worries for the future, but also wanting to ‘treat myself’.

The worst bit is when you meet up with friends you’ve not seen in ages because they’ve been busily travelling the world or having babies and they ask you what you’ve been up to! Suddenly I feel very boring when that happens!

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maxxxx · 05/11/2018 17:17

@Stubbornuincorn I can definitely relate to that! I love my job and do have a lot of interesting things within it, but when they're saying about being in another country or preparing for a baby, talking about work just sounds so mundane!

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