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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband refusing to find work

49 replies

Cath2907 · 05/11/2018 10:17

After DH being unemployed for 9 years (he quit his last job to start a business which never took off) we split up a month ago. I am living in the house with our DD and the dog and working full time, doing school runs etc (although H is having DD overnight 2 nights per week and 1 day at w/end). I am paying for everything including husbands expenses. He is telling me he is trying to start work freelancing but after 4 weeks hasn't made a penny and can't tell me how long it will take for this to change. He refuses to apply for any normal jobs.

We've agreed how to split finances on divorce - he will get all the equity from the house in return for his not touching my pension. I have worked hard to tidy house and am ready to put it on the market. I have sent in divorce application (and paid for fees etc.)

So AIBU in saying after Xmas (3 months after he moved out) he will need to pay for himself until the house sells?

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 05/11/2018 10:22

More than reasonable and don't give in to any threats or blackmail (emotional or any other). Frankly I don't see why you have to pay anything for him at all (bar maybe expenses associated with DD)

Good luck with the house sale and hopefully you'll get rid soon!

Travis1 · 05/11/2018 10:27

I'm confused as to why you are paying his expenses?

Original poster
Cath2907 · 05/11/2018 10:51

I don't know why I am paying for him either.... If I didn't he'd be homeless (or at his mums 180 miles away) and I guess I just thought it would be for a short time..... FOOOL that I am!

OP posts:
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 05/11/2018 10:55

Stop paying his expenses. It's going to end up with him demanding an allowance from you as part of the divorce.

Give him 2 weeks.

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 10:55

Don't pay his expenses! Maybe if he had to support himself he'd go and get a job!

tiggerkid · 05/11/2018 10:57

If I didn't he'd be homeless (or at his mums 180 miles away)

The fact that you are paying for him clearly makes him not worry about either of these prospects.

Singlenotsingle · 05/11/2018 10:57

His mum might not want him anyway.

Bananalanacake · 05/11/2018 10:58

Have you posted before. I read something like this yesterday. Sorry if it wasn't you. These lazy men are everywhere. I suggested seasonal work in a post office or shop.

Regnamechanger · 05/11/2018 10:58

I hope you're getting legal advice on all of this.

BruceAndNosh · 05/11/2018 10:59

If you are working full time, he should be doing ALL the school runs regardless of where DD is sleeping that night

ElspethFlashman · 05/11/2018 10:59

It's going to end up with him demanding an allowance from you as part of the divorce.

This. You're literally setting up a scenario where he could quite reasonably ask for spousal maintenance. You are supporting him entirely.

Cut him off. Then eventually you will be able to prove to the courts he can somehow get by on his own.

TittyFahLaEtcetera · 05/11/2018 11:00

Yes, cut him off now. I had similar with my ex. He sponged off everyone he could until they each cut him off in turn, then fucked off out of the country. Never had a penny out of him. Well done for managing 9 years - I left after 3 years of bullshit. He is not going to change, stop bankrolling him more than necessary - you're already giving him an excellent deal!

username56789 · 05/11/2018 11:01

I think if you didn't pay his expenses he would have to do something ie look for a job . People like him annoy me . Most hardworking people struggle day to day and he won't even look for work . Lazy cf you are well rid .

Santaisgettingbusy · 05/11/2018 11:01

Text him a link to the job centre and he can apply for benefits.
Don't fall for the line you need to help him so he can see your dc etc.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/11/2018 11:02

Was he DD's main carer for the 9 years he's not been working?

NRPDad · 05/11/2018 11:05

Stop paying his expenses now. He has to sort himself out, he is a grown man.

Hope the sale is speedy and you are able to find suitable accommodation for yourself and DCs.

Good decision securing your pension.

Travis1 · 05/11/2018 11:05

If he is not resident parent and is not doing bulk of childcare etc where it would be reasonable expected for you to be paying him maintenance then stop now, otherwise you are setting yourself up to be paying him for the next 30 years.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 11:14

You're literally setting up a scenario where he could quite reasonably ask for spousal maintenance. You are supporting him entirely

THIS!!!

a Court will force you to continue to support him.. as you already have set this precedent ... are you sure his 'refusal to find work' is more likely down to his avoidance of paying Child Maintenance for his Kids... Hmm

TurkeyBear · 05/11/2018 11:15

Deduct every penny you've given him from the estimated equity. I bet you wont have to sell your house then.

Your DH is a CFC OP. He sounds pathetic.

AnnaMagnani · 05/11/2018 11:20

Did you agree this financial settlement with advice from a solicitor or between the two of you?

Because WTF are you doing paying his expenses?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/11/2018 11:30

Stop paying his expenses. It's going to end up with him demanding an allowance from you as part of the divorce.

THIS

If the boot was on the other foot, would he be doing this for you?

GabriellaMontez · 05/11/2018 11:33

So why are you paying his expenses? Stop now.

Neshoma · 05/11/2018 11:34

9 years!

trulybadlydeeply · 05/11/2018 11:52

You need to get decent legal advice, if you have not done so already.

You will be liable for spousal maintenance in this situation, because there is a precedent of you supporting him for the past years. A court may decide to set a limit on this for x number of months, until he finds work, but if there is any kind of reason why he may not be able to find work then you will potentially be liable for longer.

You must, must must get a financial settlement at the same time as the divorce. If you don't, he can come back to you at any point in the future and try and get more money out of you. This really is essential, and until you have this, any informal agreement you have will be pointless. He is under no obligation to stick to that, and could come after your pension in the future, or if you start earning more money, inherit some, win the lottery etc.

I am currently in a very similar situation and a good solicitor is worth every penny. Do absolutely nothing without them advising you.

Seaweed42 · 05/11/2018 11:58

Why is he getting the Equity from the house in a lump sum? His idea I'd say. Did you both go to a legal mediation service or similar?
A Lump sum is the worse idea for him as it's going to enable him more to sit on his arse. Or piss it away on a stupid business idea that only serves the purpose of protecting himself from his fears. However, that's his problem at that point not yours.
I would start 'subtracting' his Expenses from the Equity from tomorrow. Start running a Tab which you should then take what's owed back to you. He's an Adult not a charity case.
Why is he getting till Christmas? He could start in McDonald's or the local supermarket this week if he wanted.

It's a mental health issue he as at this point. However, you are enabling him by preventing him from being in a situation where he has to pay his own way. He has downsized his responsibilities in line with his need to support himself.
With someone in his position, his business has failed. His self esteem is low so he is unable to get a job.