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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband refusing to find work

49 replies

Cath2907 · 05/11/2018 10:17

After DH being unemployed for 9 years (he quit his last job to start a business which never took off) we split up a month ago. I am living in the house with our DD and the dog and working full time, doing school runs etc (although H is having DD overnight 2 nights per week and 1 day at w/end). I am paying for everything including husbands expenses. He is telling me he is trying to start work freelancing but after 4 weeks hasn't made a penny and can't tell me how long it will take for this to change. He refuses to apply for any normal jobs.

We've agreed how to split finances on divorce - he will get all the equity from the house in return for his not touching my pension. I have worked hard to tidy house and am ready to put it on the market. I have sent in divorce application (and paid for fees etc.)

So AIBU in saying after Xmas (3 months after he moved out) he will need to pay for himself until the house sells?

OP posts:

Jux · 05/11/2018 12:03

Let him go and live at his mum's 180 miles away then. I reckon it'll save you a lot of money and save dd a lot of heartbreak in the future. He's still being a cocklodger even though you've split.

Is he claiming any benefits? You really shouldn't need to pay his expenses but as you are how does it work. Do you pay his rent directly to his LL etc or do you give it to him. Do you hand over dosh when he says he eds it or do you just give him £N and he has to live within that limit?

So, no, not unreasonabke to tell him when your financing of his life is over.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 05/11/2018 12:09

Well he's living the dream isn't he.

Eliza9917 · 05/11/2018 12:12

More fool you to put up with this for so long and to continue to bank roll him even though you've split. I've never heard such nonsense in my life.

RiddleyW · 05/11/2018 12:13

Don't we normally agree that the non-working spouse is entitled to money as they've facilitated the workings spouse's career?

Letsmoveondude · 05/11/2018 12:21

what is he freelancing in? If he’s able to get a first freelance role, which is usually what starts people off, it isn’t hard to find another, or another. Honestly, freelance work keeps many. Many people in almost constant work.
I fear that there’s either a reason that he isn’t already falling over himself doing a lot of work illness wise, or you are being taken for a ride.

What I would be doing, in your position is leaving him to the rules of universal credit.

Unless of course he was play SAHD whilst you were working for the family, even then. I’d temporarily leave him to it, given he will get the money from the house

DishingOutDone · 05/11/2018 12:21

Please get advice ASAP this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Miscible · 05/11/2018 12:28

Why are you selling the house if you have your child most of the time? As I understand it, the norm would be for you to continue to live there at least till she is out of full time education. Please get legal advice.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 05/11/2018 12:28

You must get proper legal advice about your divorce.

How old is your DD? Is there any reason that stbx can’t work? Did he do most of the childcare before she reached school age?

Stop paying your ex’s expenses straight away. If he has to move away rather than get a job, that will be his choice. You have enabled this man for far too long already!

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2018 12:32

How old are your DC - was he main carer/SAHD whilst you worked? If so, think about the court position if this was reversed (mother who 'gave up' job to care for children and is now left with poor employment prospects...)

I'm not saying you're wrong - he sounds like an idiot "refusing to apply for other jobs" and I'm sure that's a large part of why you're leaving him -but it could appear differently to a divorce lawyer...

howabout · 05/11/2018 12:38

Don't we normally agree that the non-working spouse is entitled to money as they've facilitated the workings spouse's career?

It doesn't sound like they have facilitated the working spouse's career though - they have been too busy pretending to run a hobby business for the last 9 years! They may well have even been using this as the excuse to opt out of even doing their share let alone enabling the other earner to progress.

I have no idea why you would be volunteering equity in this situation if it means giving up your DC's family home to set up her feckless father - how much is your pension worth today relative to the equity? I would also not be facilitating access if he can't independently sort himself out to finance it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/11/2018 12:46

I'm not sure legal advice will tell OP what she wants to hear. She may well be better off selling the house and paying XH off if there's any way a judge could interpret the past 9 years as 'him facilitating her career and doing childcare'.

howabout · 05/11/2018 12:55

There is no down side to taking legal advice (other than the bill). There is no obligation to act on it. However Op is clearly primary carer in the marital home atm. My understanding is courts seek to preserve this status quo for DC at least until they are 18. Agreeing to sell the marital home looks prima facie like shooting herself in the foot.

Original poster

Cath2907 · 05/11/2018 13:22

I have a solicitor. Financial settlement will be sorted along with divorce. DH has not asked for maintenance - I think we both just assumed that joint finances would remain joint until we actually divorced. I have taken the rooms advise and given him an ultimatum. He has 2 weeks to get a job and then no more Mrs financially nice STBXW!

He wasn't principal carer - I work from home. He did school runs, no more.

It wasn't my post yesterday!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cath2907 · 05/11/2018 13:26

DD is 8. She was at nursery from 2. DH has been too busy playing at working / and or being depressed or anxious to have done lots of kid stuff. I did all housework, Dr appointments, parents evenings, school uniform shopping, cooking, home work, etc..

I want to move house (closer to my parents - only 30 mins away but enough that they'll be able to do school runs now and then).

OP posts:

BackInRed · 05/11/2018 13:31

He's managed to be a cocklodger even after he was kicked out. That's kind of impressive. 😂

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/11/2018 13:53

It is BackinRed

Perhaps he could earn some money of his own by writing a book about it.

"Cocklodging for Twatbastards: A Definitive Guide". There are a lot of lazy bastardslike him about. It should be a sell-out.

Miscible · 05/11/2018 13:59

think we both just assumed that joint finances would remain joint until we actually divorced

Well, no, why should they? I wouldn't give him two weeks - he can go out and start job-hunting and find out about claiming benefits this afternoon.

HollowTalk · 05/11/2018 14:01

She was in nursery when he was unemployed?!

Has your solicitor recommended you give him the equity in the house?

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 15:16

This is awful OP.. you've been led a merry dance by your STBEx...

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 15:17

DH has not asked for maintenance

He is not entitled to it either but HE should be paying for his kids OP ..

Eilaianne · 05/11/2018 15:23

OP you've really been done a number by your "D"H - effectively being sole breadwinner and primary carer all rolled into one. You're going to find life a lot easier once he's out of it.

But I'm worried you're not going to effectively get him out of it and functioning as an independent adult!

His living costs are not your problem. His living expenses are not your problem. Where he sleeps is not your problem. HE should be paying a fair share of the child-related costs for his DD to YOU!

You've been completely exploited by this man for so long that it's going to take a lot for him (and you) to see what a farce this situation is. I hope your legal team/rep is spitting feathers at how unfair this setup has been/is still on you, and fighting for a correction to it appropriately!

howabout · 05/11/2018 16:01

Just to add - be very very careful that your DH has not been running up all sorts of debts in your joint names and that he has no ability to continue to do this.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 16:25

Just to add - be very very careful that your DH has not been running up all sorts of debts in your joint names and that he has no ability to continue to do this

very good point...

Jux · 05/11/2018 17:58

Good grief, op. Get a decent solicitor on board and go through everything with a fine-toothed comb. You are being DONE, and your dd is being deprived along with it. Every time you have to think "can I juggle things so I can get dd what she really wants for her birthday/Christmas/fun outing with friends or whatever, remember you could do it so much more easily without paying this lazy cocklodger what he doesn't deserve.

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