To ask what it's really like to become a parent?

[elouiseplease]

Been ttc for a year or two, struggled with infertility so much that I feel like for the past year all I've thought about is what it would be like to become pregnant, rather than the reality of a baby itself, if that makes sense. We've started more intense treatment now, and it's all starting to feel a bit more real. I guess I just want to know the good, the bad and the ugly of it all?

Sorry if this is the wrong topic, I just wanted a range of opinions and experiences

You could recreate that first year feeling by setting an alarm to wake you every hour from midnight to 5am, and then getting out of bed and burning a £50 note.

But seriously, it's the most intense, joyful and relentless experience of my life. The best and the worst thing I've ever done or expect to do. Which doesn't tell you anything. It's not about you anymore when you have a kid, and that's hard at times. But they do give you a reason for buggering on too.

For me every emotion you have ever experienced is multiplied by a million! God and bad!

Di11y can you link to the TED talk, or give some more info so we can google it?

It's very tiring at first. It's important that parents have lives of their own outside of being parents.

You often hear people talking about all they do for/give to their children but I think children give a lot to parents just by being and what they bring to our lives, they are a real asset.

(I'm feeling all broody now and am going off to have another one. See you in nine months. ;) )

It’s like the hotel California.

We had eight years fertility problems then DS arrived. Being parents tests you to the limits but it is also the best adventure you will ever have. You’re always looking forward to the next stage. Watching the little person you made grow up is one of life’s true miracles.
I also know the desperation of giving up treatment and accepting that it probably will never happen. However sometimes nature surprises you.
I do sometimes think about the babies I lost but I wouldn’t have had my DS if I hadn’t lost the others.

It is the biggest mistake I ever made.
If I could rewind time I would but I can’t so I have to try and do the best I can because it isn’t my kid’s fault.

A MASSIVE SHOCK!!!!

I found my first baby a huge shock to the system. Complete lifestyle change and he didn’t have the easiest start (premature) so that added to the hideousness of it.

Second baby not nearly so bad but I also had a toddler by then so still shit in some ways!

You will never know how little sleep it is possible to function on until you’ve had kids.

And toddlers, my god they are HARD work!!! But can be very very cute so you don’t sell the little sods!

I know I’m not selling it but there are phases of shite and then phases of loveliness. None of the phases last forever but when you’re in a bad one (18months to 3yrs DD I’m talking about you!), you know it will come to an end. And when things are all peachy you just enjoy it while it lasts. I’m currently absolutely loving DS who is 6, he’s a total joy 95% of the time! And DD is 4 and while she’s still hard work sometimes she’s learning so much so fast it’s amazing. I love seeing them develop and they’re SO funny.

As a good friend said to me not long before my first was born, ‘it’s totally shit my dear, and totally amazing too!’ And she’s right.

@Breadfoam I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there a reason why?

Being a mum is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done. My DD is nearly 8 months and an absolute joy, she has a huge smile on her face from the minute she wakes up until she goes to bed. When I walk into the room she bounces up and down because she’s so excited to see me, it melts me.

It is a huge tester in a relationship as everything changes and it’s easy to become critical of eachother. I think being a mum has made me a kinder, happier and more tolerant. Good luck OP.

So much in the baby phase depends what sort of baby you have. First 2 weeks were horrific for me. At 4 months I was having an easy time as my baby slept through and was a contented little thing (so much so I remember frantically googling as she never seemed to cry). Then she started moving and has been turbo charged with a bloodyminded determination to be independent ever since. I love the toddler years in lots of ways but I’m more knackered and stressed now than I ever was with a baby. For others it’ll be a total reversal as to which stage is harder. I don’t yet know enough about the next stages as I still have a little one.

Good luck OP, I hope you have some wonderful news very soon.

The only way I can describe motherhood is more of everything you ever expected, the love, the work, the tiredness and worry, it’s all true!

It is a truly amazing, ever changing journey, just as you think you have got it, life moves on again, and you are learning again.

My two DS’ are mid to late teens now I have loved every minute, from pregnancy to birth, which was easier than I expected, seeing your baby for the very first time is so wonderful, young babies toddlers are exhausting but so worth it. Starting school, leaving school. The time flies so quickly.

Now I am getting used to girlfriends, learning to drive, College life etc.

It’s all been great having my children has made my life, we are a very close family.

We also had fertility problems, and you are right I really didn’t care at all about having sleep deprivation in comparison to having DS safely with us.

And I left the house with him every day on maternity leave, even if it was just for a spin around the park, so I never felt trapped st home with him. It took ages to get organised to leave the house at first, but you get into a routine after a month or two.

The worst thing was definitely the impact on my relationship with DH. We just have no time together as a couple. DS is everywhere we go. In some ways that is nice, but we haven’t had sex in months because we spend so little couple time together, and when we do we are really tired. We also bickered a lot when he was tiny, probably a combination of stress and hormones and lack of sleep.

I also have far less time for myself - having DS is like taking on a second job in the evenings. My work has taken a back seat because I don’t have time to work on extra projects in the evening. I don’t have time to exercise because I am either at work or looking after DS. I can’t just browse the shops on my way home from work because I have to race back home to get DS from nursery.

None of those changes are insurmountable, but I do wish I had a couple of extra hours in the day - my wants always come last.

On the positive side, there is nothing better than looking down at your little baby, who is gazing rapturously back at you. It is bliss. And toddlers are hilarious and cute all at once (and complete wilful little gits when they want to be as well).

It's tiring beyond your wildest dreams of what fatigue can be. It slows down your career, no question. We're the first in our friendship group to become parents and although our friends are great with DD they are still out socialising and travelling. But it's wonderful because DD is wonderful and everything is new to her so even although it has its irritations, (flinging food around at mealtimes atm,) it's always great to come home to a little person who's delighted to see you just because you're you.

Sometimes it can be very hard but my child is the light of my life.

Hard to transition to a parent overnight, difficult for the first few years but absolutely worth it.

I'm afraid I don't I have anything good to say. My kids are 1 and 2 and I hate being a parent.

@PurdysChocolate, if it’s that bad then how come you had two? Hope that doesn’t come across wrong - I’m just genuinely interested as someone who is 34 and on the fence about having kids myself.

When I was pregnant, I only really thought about the baby stage, as that alone was overwhelming enough. I concentrated on nappies, breastfeeding, sleep etc, basically keeping the baby alive until DH got home. It never occurred to me until later that I'd have to raise that baby into an adult. I now have to figure out how to make sure my kids grow up to be happy and well adjusted adults who will contribute something to the world. Suddenly the nappies and breastfeeding phase looks simple.

I love my children very much and they make me smile every day but I’m constantly exhausted.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep for almost 5 years now and I am drained. Between work and children I feel like I exist for the purpose of others.

We would never swap our life and we don’t regret having the children but me and DH often sit down and talk about what our life would be like without children and the kind of lifestyle we’d have and the escapism feels wonderful. Knowing what we do now, if we had our time again we would choose to be childfree.

It is the single most amazing thing in the whole world! The love you have for your children is incredible and not describable in words! It's also completely exhausting and v stressful! But by far the most incredible and satisfying thing that has ever happened to me :) (twice!!)

The biggest personal change for me is I am far more emotional and empathetic since becoming a mother. I don’t think I was particularly cold and unfeeling before, but now I genuinely well up at a sad news story or film which I never would have before! The mental load that I now carry also surprised me - you are never really alone with your thoughts anymore, there is always the awareness of your little person in the background even if they are elsewhere. But motherhood is also the most fun I’ve ever had. I wish you well on your ttc journey :)

I TTC for 2.5 years, including 3 private rounds of fertility treatment before finally conceiving my DD who is now 6 months.

It is hard being a parent - very little sleep, barely have time to eat or go to the loo in the day time when DH is at work. My house standards have completely slipped. DD has had 5 colds/sickness bugs in 6 months - which she shares with me.

She is worth it though, I can’t imagine my life without her. She has made me complete.

Good luck OP.

@tryingtosortmylifeout I don't mind you asking. When I had DC1, things were initially very hard. I didn't get that intense love that everyone talks about, and then quickly developed PND. As time went on, the PND cleared and DC started turning into a interactive person. As we approached her first birthday life had gotten much easier, and while I still didn't feel any love I was developing a better relationship with her. We decided to have a second baby at this time because 1) I felt strongly that she should have a playmate at home; I had so much fun growing up with my siblings I can't imagine being an only 2) If we were going to have two we wanted them close in age 3) We wanted to get the baby stages completely out of the way as fast as possible 4) I thought things would be much better the second time round, as I was experienced and the reasons I got PND depression wouldn't be there.

DC2 arrived and from day 0 was a clingy, unput-donwnable, terrible sleeper. And I didn't feel the love for him either. I thought I would this time. Anyway, long story short, he has broken me over the last year.

I now have two children who I don't love and don't enjoy caring for, and no longer feel like I'm living. I do hold out hope that things will get way way better as they get older, that I will eventually have time to breathe, and cultivate a nice relationship with both of them. But the baby/toddler stage is very hard, and right now I feel like I chose the wrong path for myself. I think things could have been different if DC2 had been like DC1, and if we had local family, or could afford help.

It's mostly hard work and exhaustion. It changes you a lot. Life is much, much easier without children.

It is nice caring for someone else and there are fun times, but overall I wouldn't recommend it to most people.