To ask what it's really like to become a parent?

[elouiseplease]

Been ttc for a year or two, struggled with infertility so much that I feel like for the past year all I've thought about is what it would be like to become pregnant, rather than the reality of a baby itself, if that makes sense. We've started more intense treatment now, and it's all starting to feel a bit more real. I guess I just want to know the good, the bad and the ugly of it all?

Sorry if this is the wrong topic, I just wanted a range of opinions and experiences

I had a baby after infertility (ttc for three years). Nothing anyone tells you now can prepare you for how life changing it is. It's different for everyone but for me the hardest bits were lack of sleep - my little one didn't sleep through until 19 months. I'd been back at work for over a year by that point and was utterly wrecked. She's four now and I still don't feel properly recovered from that period. Also, no me time. I miss the chance to see friends, quietly read a book, go to the gym, etc. I work full time so I do little other than work, childcare and sleep these days. And holidays will never be the same.

The love you feel for them (and them for you) is amazing. And they can be funny and clever little people to be around.

Honestly, OP, it is one of those things which is not in any adequate way describable. Nothing I'd ever heard or read or experienced in any way resembled my experience when I had my son, though I'm the eldest of a large family and had been around babies since I was a small child. Very best wishes with conceiving.

My baby is only 7 months but I’ve loved it so far!

I think the type of life you lead prior to having a baby makes a difference- if you’re very active and like to spend your weekends climbing mountains or you love going out for meals, it’s a lot harder to adjust. My partner and I are quite quiet and boring people so having to stay in didn’t faze us so much!!

Luckily I had 2 very good babies, however, I had PND which didn't help me enjoy them as much as I could have. At best, you'll get about 7 hours broken sleep for a year or two, at worst you'll be waking every couple of hours, sometimes even after the night feeds have stopped! It also depends how much support you have. Outside the kids and OH, I have pretty much none apart from other mum friends and we help each other out.

I've made some really good friends via the kids but your life is pretty much all about them while they're young and I do find now that they're older and less dependent on me, I don't actually know what to do with myself when they're not around. I've taken up running but can't do that all day lol!!!!

I have a friend who struggled to conceive and she says she really struggled with guilty feelings once she had her baby when she didn't love every minute of it. So please don't do that to yourself! It is wonderful, but hard hard work. I like to think of it as training for/running a marathon. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and even if it is yours there will be days when for all you love running and testing yourself and the endorphin rush etc, you hate that you have to get up so early in the morning or go out running in the rain. It's ok not to love that and it doesn't mean that it was a mistake. But when you're having one of those golden moments when you break the tape at the finish line, or come to a stop full of joy on a beautiful day with a beautiful view and no-one else around, or when you beat your personal best... you don't get those every day, but they make all the routine and even not great days totally, utterly worth it.

I was totally made for this, it was what I was missing and didn't even know. I hope it's the same for you when your time comes - good luck ttc! x

Life with babies and kids doesn't have to be boring imo. Repetitive yes, but not necessarily boring. It is what you make it. Put in a lot, get out a lot.

Also, the pride you feel in their smallest achievements totally dwarfs any you have in your most impressive successes. My toddler said "thank you" to my friend yesterday without being asked to and I beamed my face off I was so delighted, and am still pleased today. It's amazing.

Oh god but also: the fear. Some parents are more laid back than others (I tend to the neurotic end of the scale!) but fundamentally the most precious thing you ever had is out in the world, you can do everything in the world and still fail to protect them and it is TERRIFYING. You will never know fear like it when they (inevitably) have a big fall or get hurt or become ill or when nursery calls in the middle of the day. Someone once described it as their heart growing legs and walking around outside their chest and it is EXACTLY like that. You feel so vulnerable, and the older and more independent they get the worse it is (although I'm hoping there's some sort of bell curve here and I'll chill out more once she's passed the heedless toddler stage!).

Hardest: from the moment you get the 2 pink lines on the test, you'll worry about them forever

Life is never just about you anymore

The tiredness. Sorry if this is offensive or insensitive, but I have friends with no kids, and when they say they're tired, I can't imagine how that can be true, when they have all weekend to themselves, or the fact that they can go to bed when they like, and not be disturbed.
Obviously they can be tired from work, etc, but they have the advantage of being able to rest or make up for it. You don't get that with kids.

Best bits:

The love, fun (e.g. I'm currently doing the Santa and stocking shopping), they bring out the best in other people, e.g. I might not like my dh's mother (just an example, not true), but I know she adores our DC, and that gives me a new sort of relationship with her.
Baby clothes are cute
Feeling amazed and proud of your body for carrying, giving birth to and feeding a baby. It makes me value and respect women so much

The first 12 weeks or so is just a bit of a maelstrom, with both good and bad bits, so do whatever you need to get through it - some degree of normalcy does return after that!

I did not feel a rush of unbelievable love for my newborns, and that is fine. Not everyone gets that, I don't feel there's anything wrong with me and I do love my kids.

For all people say about 'LOL! You'll never sleep again!' I think most parents can get decent sleep by 6 months, often by 3 months even. I think of everyone I know, only about 10% have had kids that were really bad sleepers longterm, so you're unlikely to be sleepless for years on end.

I found more enjoyment in my kids once they moved and interacted more and started saying words (10 months+) but everyone's different.

I'm loving seeing them develop into their own people, especially DD (10), who is a wonderful non-conformist!

Kids and parenthood is fascinating overall, I'd definitely recommend.

Exhausting. I was, and still am, overwhelmed by the loss of freedom and autonomy. Always having to think of another person, being physically, emotionally and financially responsible for them. Friends invite me for a drink? Need to ask if DH will be home (he also asks if I'll be home when it happens to him). Can't be bothered to put a wash on? Does DS have clothes for nursery tomorrow? Fancy a lie in? Uh, no. Fancy a chocolate bar late at night? Nope.

There's no 'just nipping out' any more, no spontaneous nights out or frivolous purchases anymore. There's also restrictions on where we can go, what we can do (or at least if we want to enjoy it!).

Everything has to be organised, someone always has to watch the kids. I just can't relax like I used to. Lazy weekend mornings are a thing of the past.

I'm sure it won't always be like this but, right now, it is. And I hate it.

The 5.45 feed - you know you won't be able to get back to sleep after and your day has now started. Even though you know you need another hour's sleep to become even vaguely human.

That they don't smile for ages - the best you can do is change "thoroughly pissed off" to "mildly disgruntled".

Not being in control - difficult if you're used to being able to cope with everything in life

Never ever starting something that can't be put down instantly.

For me, the turning point is when they start talking ideas (as opposed to just wants), somewhere in the toddler/pre-school years, and from then they just get nicer every day. In the primary school age they're interested in everything, during secondary they're finding their independence and will reject everything you value as "boring" but it's great to see them developing their own opinions.

I'm not a baby person. You can probably tell.

I guess it feels different for everyone and for all different reasons, we’re all in different circumstances but for me it felt overwhelming. The tiredness after the baby is born as well as the hormones and changes to your body but then you have so much responsibility and so much love for another human being. It’s like nothing I ever experienced. I’m really chilled and laid back and I can see when my children have done wrong, I won’t make excuses for them but I’ll surprise myself sometimes with the fierceness I feel if something upsets them. I want the whole world for them. I have a plaque at home ‘be as great as your mum thinks you are’. Makes sense to me.

Sending you lots of love and luck!! 💐

Having children was without doubt the best thing I have done.

My oldest is 20 now and at university. She comes home regularly (four hour drive each way) to have some time with us, she's still my baby even now.

My 13 year old has autism but is fabulous. She makes every day funny and despite her problems is a happy girl.

I look back and am amazed how quickly the last 20 years have gone. It goes so very quick. Every stage has it's challenges and every stage has it's wonderful bits.

Totally agree with the PP who says it brings up a lot about your upbringing (and I’d say this has happened across the board with my friends) and trying to not replicate bad parts but without guidance. It’s EXTREMELY hard.

My children are 2 and a bit and 4. There was 20 months between them. We had no family nearby and it was very, very hard work. Now, they are mostly good, but some days are a drag and filled with attitude and fights (including me 😂)

I suspect the key is to acknowledge every single good moment. As there are many, many difficult ones.

I wouldn’t change it for the world, but some days I would like a week off. But then undoubtedly I’d be crying that I missed them 🙄

And the GUILT and the WORRY. Ahhh, constant.

At the beginning with a baby it was monotonous and boring now with a toddler it's amazingly magical she brightens up my life so much I can't believe I created her

The nights are long, but the years are short- sums up my experience very well.

No one really prepares you for the way parenthood will make you feel, there’s a whole rollercoaster of emotions, from the intense pride you will feel, to the feeling of anxiety of just how big the responsibility is, and what if you are doing it wrong. No one says, right, so you’ll be worrying about this human for the rest of your life, but that has been reality for me and many of the mums I know. But that anxiety is worth it 100^ because of the joy they will give you, they’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you view the world differently, you become selfless when you come to them. You become someone’s most trusted comfidante, their dream weavers for Christmas and birthday parties.

I love parenthood. My daughter is almost 11, so I don’t have much time left, considering the first 10 years have flown by like a blink of an eyelid, you’ll be challenged but there will be some points where you’ll feel like your heart may explode with love for them.

Sorry about your fertility troubles, I struggled myself & know how soul destroying it is. I found pregnancy & the newborn stage utterly terrifying! We tried for 3 years & it felt to good to be true, I knew if anything happened to my DD my life would be over - all the horror stories you see of still borns & cot death literally made me an anxious wreck. Then they send you home with a bunch of leaflets on the risks of this & that. I felt like I had a china doll that would break at any moment!! Really they’re quite resilient little things in hindsight! The only way I got through it though was thinking if anything happens to her I’ll just kill myself! Don’t mean to sound morbid or scare you but that was just my honest experience. She’s 16 months now & still the thought of anything happening to her is heart breaking - but that is being a parent. Having someone toddle around with your heart & the capability of breaking it! It was absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done though, she’s amazing. I’m also pregnant with DC2 it’s emotionally & physically tough, your life completely changes but it is also so so rewarding. Like a love & insinct to protect you never knew could exist. Best of luck on your journey OP!

I agree with so many things said above! Like you, OP, we struggled to conceive but our DS was born after IVF, so it can happen and I wish you all the very best. (I don’t know if IVF is what you are doing but, if not, I’d say don’t be put off about doing it, it can be hard but it is not always quite as “gruelling” as the media might suggest.)

I honestly feel that having my son has made me a better, more patient and empathetic person. He’s 2 now and I take such joy in the little things he does like baring his teeth at me to imitate the Gruffalo, or running full speed up to me at nursery pickup to give me a giant hug. Baby stage is fine but toddlers are ridiculously cute and funny when they are not having tantrums!

Basically, don’t overthink it - you won’t regret it, I promise. However I have found that I needed the balance of working and was lucky to be able to go PT after a full year’s maternity leave- could not have coped with being a FT Mum. You do need to hold on to some part of your pre-baby self. So my tip while TTC would be, rather than overthinking how you’ll cope emotionally with being a parent, spend the time planning how to make the best possible practical arrangements if you do have a baby, particularly at work.

And, despite all the lovely things people are saying here, don’t let it make you feel that having a baby is the only route to happiness.

Very best of luck!

Great replies, thank you all for taking the time to answer!

I love my child. Two have Sen so our experience is a bit different. But regardless I worry about them all a lot. Even the ones who have no Sen. Having children is wonderful but it is hard. I don’t think it’s the be all and end all to be honest.

One ivf toddler after years of trying naturally. She's the most amazing person I've ever met and I love every day. I can't recommend it enough. I just wish we'd had treatment sooner as I doubt we have time for a sibling.

Good luck op.

I'm afraid I don't I have anything good to say. My kids are 1 and 2 and I hate being a parent.

Amazing. But absolutely relentless.

Knackering and very challenging if you have a chronic condition to contend with too but so utterly worth it. To me any way.

Obviously very very brief but I don't have enough time or bar in capacity at the mo for a good description!

Best thing that ever happened to us. Eternally grateful. 99% amazing. 1% OK. Don't regret a thing. Only wish we could have more.

Good luck with your treatment.

there's a ted talk about how parenting bring a back the extreme highs and lows in life that you learn to moderate. spoke to me