AIBU by not telling my DD's father that I'm moving in with my partner?

[autumndear]

I'll be moving in with my partner in the next couple of weeks and am a little unsure as to whether I should mention it to my DD's father. Just to put things in context DD's father hasn't seen her since she was two days old, after he walked out on both of us. This was after asking me to choose between staying with him and putting her up for adoption as he didn't think we could cope with a baby (DD was very much unplanned, we are both in our early twenties and he had just started a new job), or keeping her and never hearing from him again. Safe to say I told him where he could shove his ultimatum and have raised DD by myself for the past year and a half. Having given him more opportunities than I care to count to see her and have been let down every single time, he's very much an absentee parent. I give him monthly updates on her progress as to try and push him into being interested and he contributes financially (albeit below the CMS calculated amount).

My partner is amazing and very much supportive. He is amazing with DD but does not try to encroach on me being a parent to her. Our moving in together is not a decision we have taken lightly. I am just wondering if I'm being unreasonable by not mentioning it to my DD's father first as I know he will be difficult about it (he also has a new partner but kicked off massively when he found out about mine, big case of one rule for him another for me). I'm finally happy again after suffering from PND not helped by a combination of him leaving me and suddenly being a single parent and don't want him to ruin it. Do I mention it to him or not?

It's none of his business. If he's not interested in DD I'm not sure why you bother with updating him at all.

if he has nothing to do with his daughter then why does he need to know?

also, why not go through CMS and get more maintainance?

It's none of his business. Why is he paying less than the CMS amount?

What @Walkerbean16 says

Stop messaging him and concentrate on the man who is there for you both instead.

Don't tell him, stop the monthly updates and go through cms

Nope. Especially since his loved up self got arsey about you having a new partner! 🙄

Btw, I second the PP about going down the CMS route. He may decide to stop paying full stop when he finds out you’ve set up house with your new partner. And he does fuck all for his child anyway, so full maintenance is more than due.

@Walkerbean16 @PoesyCherish we came up with a family based arrangement as it is apparently all he could afford. I did originally try through CMS but they very much encouraged me to try for a family based arrangement as I was still in contact with him.

Why tell him, none of his business.

Stop the updates and claim through CMS.

I thought even the family based agreements had to be the minimum anyway, so he's taking the piss.

If he saw your DD regularly then yes, he should be told. As he has not seen her since she was 2 days old, as he tried to get you to abort her, as he left you because you wouldn’t, then no, he has no right to know as all evidence is, he has no interest.
He may well wish in future to see her - when she is a bit older, - more ‘interesting’, and less full on to look after than a baby. But personally I’d tone down the updates, and leave it more up to him. It would be good for your DD to have a relationship with her father, but you can’t force the interest. Hope all goes well with you and your DP OP.

I thought even the family based agreements had to be the minimum anyway

Technically not. However I agree he is taking the piss.

Maybe try telling him you want an increase to the CMS minimum and if he doesn't comply then open a case with CMS. You and your DC deserve at least the bare minimum.

Well, of course they prefer you to do all the legwork of getting an ex to pay, but if he's not even paying the minimum, then you need to get them on-side. Why should this low-life get away with this?
And no, you don't need to tell him about your plans. He sounds like the sort of arsehole who would think it an ideal excuse to stop paying altogether.

The monthly updates were a suggestion by DM to try and encourage him to be involved and I very reluctantly agreed. I will absolutely tell him to increase the maintenance to the CMS calculated minimum and then if he refuses pursue him via the CMS. It will inevitably end in the "poor me I can't afford it" but yet he can conveniently afford a trip to London every weekend to see his partner .

I don’t understand why you keep in touch at all.

It will inevitably end in the "poor me I can't afford it"

Honestly it's really not your issue if he apparently can't afford it or not. Have you got a case open with the CMS or was it an informal chat you had with them?

@PoesyCherish an informal chat, they wanted me to get child benefit sorted first and then try to pursue a family based arrangement with him.

Call the CMS back. Tell them you want a Direct Pay arrangement. Insist on it when they discourage you. They’re just trying to hit their targets. Your daughter shouldn’t be going with less because of that and her father’s refusal to pay the right amount. Don’t even wait for him to agree - do it today. They don’t backdate.

It will inevitably end in the "poor me I can't afford it"

"...because I can't be arsed to prioritise my child."

I was gonna say yabu but given he isn't interested in being her Dad, I'd go through CMS and respond only to enquiries he makes regarding her. So wouldn't say Re partner unless he askd

@EBearhug exactly it's not that he can't afford it, it's just that he doesn't want to sacrifice other aspects of his finances in order to fully pay for her.

Congratulations OP, hope you and DD will be very happy in your new home.

I second what PPs are saying - he should be paying CMS minimum. I wouldn’t necessarily stop the updates as that could be seen as being petty. Ask him if he still wants them. And yes, YANBU in not telling him about your living arrangements, it is irrelevant to him. Presumably he has contact details so if he ever wished to see DD he could ask.

@KumquatQuince thank you! I'm very much looking forward to it. He knows where I am and where I've been for past year and a half since he kicked me out. He's has my phone number so if he wanted to see DD at any point, all he has to do is pick up the phone.

You owe him absolutely nothing, OP. Your new DP sounds lovely - no need to tell your dd's father anything at all. Why should he care, given that he clearly doesn't care about his own dd?

What do these regular updates consist of? Presumably, information about your child, as in, "she took 3 steps today, unaided" or "she loves the seesaw at the park."
Surely they cannot be expected to include anything about your life. Why would you tell him, "dp and I had a lovely meal out, followed by an early night?" None of his damn business. He signed out of your life the day he kicked you out 2 days after you gave birth to his child (what kind of monster does that?), so he has ZERO rights expecting anything from you at all.