To want to be offered help instead of asking all the time?

[Malibeau]

I know the whole "don't ask, don't get" thing, but if DP can see I'm having a hard time with DS (22 months old) I just think it would be nice to offer to bath him or put him to bed sometimes after a long day of mumming all day.

His argument is that I should just ask. Yes I do sometimes ask but I feel I shouldn't have to ask if it's obvious I'm having a hard time, (plus I'd feel guilty or naggy) and it's just nice to be offered sometimes.

Why can't he just be nice and offer? Why does he want to just be asked?

Write a rota, stick it in on the fridge.
Make sure you sitting down on your arse doing sweet fa is on there if that's his usual position.

@Santaisgettingbusy - Ha yeah, he usually sits on his arse on the bed playing FIFA while I struggle with bath and bed time. Today I suggested reading a bedtime story together but he argued it would mess up DS's routine. Then later said he doesn't mind doing it if I just ask. Why is it so hard to be kind and offer?

Because both of you are viewing this as "him helping you". Ergo "its your job". It isnt. You both made the baby. You are both parents. Its both of your jobs.

Tell him from now on you dont need him to help you, you just expect him to do his fair share. Each evening x amount of things need doing and from now on you expect his contribution to match yours.

Or maybe he feels guilty so turns it round and makes it seem like it's my fault for not asking? If so what a dick. Isn't that gaslighting? Or whatever it's called.

Taking the fuse out of a games console works wonders for a relationship I have found in the past.

I’d make more excuses to be out and let him crack on with bath and bed himself.

I feel exactly the same way; I don’t want to keep having to ask

@TulipsInBloom1 - Ah, now he isn't DS's biological father, but spoke of adopting him and sees him as our son (biological father is abroad and long gone), so... if he's prepared to say that then... you'd think he would do his fair share.

Hmmm ok that puts another angle on this. Why allow a man to adopt your son or even be around as a father figure if he isnt prepared to act decent?

Id just tell him to sort himself out, do more round the house, less FIFA or he can just bloody leave.

Leave him with the baby and go for a spa day

For months years I did nearly every bedtime for DS. When DD was due I said we had to alternate so DS got used to DH putting him to bed in case I couldn't when DD was here.
Best thing I ever did! Make the suggestion now.
My DH is willing to do his share but he needs prompting. Yes I often think I shouldn't have to but it is better to just ask than do it yourself and be cross about it.

He sits on his arse playing FIFA?? He needs to grow up and parent his child, not "help" you do it. You should tell him you're "helping" him every time you do anything for his child, seeing as that's what we're calling it now.

Erm he shouldn't be 'offering' to do something like bathing his own kid. He should be doing it. Why have you enabled him to be a cock lodger?

What sort of man child expects to be asked to parent and care for his child.

Mind. Blown.

@Malibeau you need to get real and kick his arse out. He doesn't want to be daddy, clearly. He likely just wants a housewife.

Sorry just read the update that he's not his biological father, that does change things a bit to be honest. But if he wants to be involved and adopt him etc then he needs to step up more.

So he's not his father? If your DS is only 22 months old, how long have you been together? That puts totally different spin on it tbh OP, he can't have been in the picture that long?

Just hand the baby to him and say he needs a bath, nappy change, bedtime story, whatever.

@Howhot - we have been together only 8 months but friends for 13 years. He's usually so good with DS but since moving in together last month I feel like he's kicked back a bit. Parenting is probably harder and more tiring than he realised now that he doesn't get to leave for a few days and then come back all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

With your updates I think YABU

This man is not your child's father and he hasn't been a parental figure since birth, hes only been with you for 8 months and only moved in last month.

I can understand why he's not more proactive - he is probably just getting to grips with your routine and getting used to living with you both. It is a huge difference to be a non resident boyfriend to a single parent than to be a resident parent.

In these early days you need to be sitting down with your DP and explaining that if you are going to live as a family then he needs to get out of the mindset he has of doing his own thing without regard to you and your DS but you also need to be guiding him - he has spent 1 month living with a child, of course it isn't yet second nature for him to consider how difficult parenting is and be proactive with offers to help.

Sorry OP but with your latest update I think YABU, completely. Maybe it was too soon to move in together

Does he actually know what to do?

He’s asked you to tell him what you want. Try it. If he doesn’t do it, it’s a problem. If not then you get what you want. Yes, it would be nice if he ‘knew’ but he doesn’t. He probably never will... mine doesn’t

@Howhot & @melj1213 - Alright yes, I can understand it a bit better from that point of view. It is all going very fast and maybe I'm expecting too much just as fast..

Sorry... did you just ask if you're being gaslighted because your very new BF who is helping you raise another man's child helps when you ask him to? Get a grip woman!!!