To think easy going people get neglected a bit?

[dollydimple999]

My mum alway brought me up to not be demanding or make any fuss. She said everyone's life is hard enough without you or anyone demanding special attention. I could and still can see her point and as have always been pretty laid back. However it occurs to me now that because I don't make any fuss or ask for anything I tend to end up very low on peoples priority list or forgotton about and all those awful people who do demand attention and to be made a fuss of, who are touchy and need special treatment actually tend to get those things?

Even my mum will say "i know you won't be offended or upset dolly if I don't get you a gift but your sister will be hurt so I have to buy for her" etc.

I'm not likely to change now but I do notice that when you make it too easy for people to not bother for you they tend not to and kind of forget you a bit?

I would say so to a certain degree.,
I am quite observant to people who always need, don’t like it this way, need it that way. Don’t eat this, don’t eat that, scared of x, scared of Y. And quite quickly become avoided and don’t get wind of further events.

Had a sleepover not long ago, 2 friends, 1 is constantly in need of special attention, everything is like a Goldilocks and the 3 bears situation.. I found myself towards the end of the evening thinking, I won’t go out of the way to ask this girl anything, because she makes enough noise about what she wants anyway. I asked DDs friend multiple times what she liked, if she needed anything extra etc. It wasn’t very obvious, but when they left she asked when she could stay again. Sadly that will not be happening. It doesn’t always work out rosy for those who continuously make a fuss, AFAIK I was the only parent who would still entertain her.

Yes, totally agree.

I am very easy going, was brought up to never make a fuss but it has made me 1) a people pleaser and 2) put myself in last place .

I always male an effort for others whether that's family or friends but deel it is hardly ever reciprocated.

I understand that there is a difference between being easy going and being a pushover but I think the lines are blurred for me!

Not sure what the solution is if you have been conditioned this way from a young age.

make and feel

Yep, that's me too. Always brought up to be undemanding, and since I loved my Dad ( who was the most easy going man ever), it seemed like that's how I wanted to be too. Trouble is, I became the world's biggest doormat and people have overlooked me, ignored me and sidelined me at work for as long as I can remember.

I've tried being more demanding, but I guess I don't have the knack of doing it without being a prat. I never had any good results from my endeavours ! So I went back to my default position of being Miss Easy Going.

Thankfully my two husbands and my children haven't treated me like a doormat, so that's worked out OK.

How are there so many people who were "brought up not to make a fuss" who have a sister who's a drama queen?

Absolutely agree. I was brought up the same way.

There’s a positive, though. When I DO put my foot down, everyone knows I mean business and not to mess with me.

Being easy going is nothing like being a doormat. You are confusing the 2. Being easy going is about genuinely not caring if you do x or y, or go out for a Chinese or Indian, or about getting a card on your birthday or 3 weeks later. Being a doormat is about actually having preferences but not feeling able to voice them, or feeling hurt without being able to say so.

Agreed, but you have the reward of not being an idiot half the time, which is in itself pretty amazing. Spending time making a fuss about a lot of things takes up a lot of energy. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and hard work, that’s the place to be.

I understand what you mean but are those other people happy? The people who kick up a fuss and get things seem permanently offended and angry and don't seem to be able to regulate their emotions and differentiate between disasters and minor disasspontment. I also wouldn't want people to do nice things for me as they would be worried I'd kick up a stink if they didn't. Some people end up with what they hey want but are resented so not sure if it's worth it

Last staff meeting we had it was announced that those staff were given an opportunity to put in better effort in their lateness and each day they arrive on time they will get points which can be swapped for vouchers.
People like me that's always on time get nothing.

Did any of you who are always on time point this out? I'm guessing not, given the thread...

I find it difficult to put myself first when no one else does. I don't really celebrate my birthday any more, because I can't deal with no one else being interested because they've got other things to do.

My sister isn't a drama queen, either. I have learnt to be more assertive at work than she is, because I realised no one else is going to fight my corner, but it's far easier if it's fighting our corner, for things which will benefit my colleagues more than just me. (And I had years of counselling to help me get here.)

I agree OP, see this all the time at work. I also can't help but notice that adults who throw tantrums get whatever they want.

It is totally true. Any efforts I make to put myself first are treated as me "being difficult..."

I have a new strategy though. I just go about my business and don't actively appease the more demanding people. For example my SIL, who is constantly late to family gatherings. Now I start serving food on time and she gets what she gets, when she arrives. No more sitting around waiting. Etc.

Definitely, and you get much more kick back when you do assert yourself than any of the difficult people have ever
got for being unreasonable and difficult all along. That's accepted from them, whereas any deviation from total doormat by a doormat person is seen as OTT, as pp have said.

Your mum sounds like she has created this herself! You shouldn’t make a fuss but your sister does?!

Hmmm-stuff that! If she’d said that-you should say something. Errr, thanks mum-do you realise how that sounds! Sister gets something because she will make a fuss, but not me. Gee thanks.

Don’t be a pushover or a martyr-say something.

Agree with BarbarianMum:you're conflating two entirely different (I'd go so far as to say opposite) personality types.

Easy going people genuinely don't care. Doormats care deeply. If you didn't care what other people thought, why on earth would you prioritise their needs over yours? Makes no sense at all.

Oh, I totally get this. Naturally, I’m an easy going, go-with-the-flow type - and this was always reinforced by our family dynamics where we’d often do what my sister wanted (not because she’s a drama queen as such, just because she’ll only join in with what she wants to do - otherwise she’ll [happily] do her own thing). I think this approach carries on to work where I’d rather just get on with things that get het up about politics.

I’ve rarely been fussed about the imbalances but one incident springs to mind when on a family holiday (as adults) where one day I said I was just going to have a lazy day rather than go on an outing with everyone (exactly what my sister had done a few times on that holiday), and my mum took me aside to tell me I was “ruining my Dad’s holiday” by acting that way. My OH who was with us and heard this piped up “but he’s not upset with [sisters name] when she does the same”. It kind of stopped my Mum in her tracks as - until it was pointed out by an “outsider” to the immediate family - I don’t think she’d ever really noticed the different standards she holds for our behaviour.

My OH who was with us and heard this piped up “but he’s not upset with [sisters name] when she does the same”. It kind of stopped my Mum in her tracks as - until it was pointed out by an “outsider” to the immediate family - I don’t think she’d ever really noticed the different standards she holds for our behaviour

Did your mum apologise?

Yes. I have a brother who is loud, arrogant, always right and nothing is ever good enough. Shouts and swears at everything. Our mother goes out of her way to placate him to the extent of shouting at whoever "upset" him (we are all in our late 20s/30s) and making sure he never had to lift a finger.
Last Xmas he had made up a song about me being a fat pig and was singing it to me over dinner, and when I asked him not to our mother said I was ruining everything and knew where the door was!

For those unsure where to draw the line between being easy going and standing your ground... surely it’s when you are bothered by something? Being easygoing means that most things aren’t an issue to you, unless you are secretly bothered but pretend to be easygoing, which is a different thing altogether. So if you family pander to your sibling as they are difficult and you are not and it bothers you, well that’s the line. Similarly with all the examples stated, putting up with something that makes you upset or angry isn’t being easygoing. Not being bothered by it would.

I hope you used the door vampire

Yep. Absolutely. Then, because I'm easy going, it also doesn't bother me much.

I've found that the people who actually matter still make an effort with me even though I don't kick up a fuss if they don't. Also, I'm pretty good at communicating the things I actually need and because I'm easy going, people seem to take me seriously if I do say (for example!) that I need help.

I probably have more 'real' friends than my sister who is very demanding of people's time and energy. I put a lot of this down to the fact that no one feels like they have to do stuff for/with me, so they don't feel obliged or put out when they do do something!

I totally get this. I once ran a press office for a big event and the clients who made the biggest noise were given the most attention.

Yes and no
Then demanding ones are a pain in a the arse . From a work perspective they annoy the fuck out of everyone

I’d rather stay below the radar thanks !!

Oh this is interesting. I’m very low maintenance and always feel like I’m the on everyone’s list or simply not thought of. I feel pretty lonely despite regularly trying to make an effort

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” - George Bernard Shaw

I was the reasonable woman for years before I had kids - polite, waited my turn etc. Didn't really notice the unreasonable people pushing to the front of the queue (hypothetically) because I could afford to wait my turn.

Then I had kids, and time became precious. A few minor incidents helped me learn to be unreasonable on their behalf. Then I realised I'd started to fall behind in my career compared to my peers; so I completely side-stepped into a new role, and swapped jobs twice in two years because I wasn't being paid what I felt I deserved. As a result I've doubled my pay in two years, and got both my kids into highly oversuscribed Saturday swim lessons. It's a bit of a revelation actually.

I'm not sure I'd say I'm 'unreasonable' as such - I'll never change my intrinsic personality that far - but I have learned that you don't always have to be the most reasonable person in the room.