How much pandering should a good host do?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I have a friend with some food intolerances and what I think are strange ideas about food. She sticks to branded goods and has a very restricted list of what she will eat and drink.

She is very vocal on making her dislike/disgust known about what I'm eating/cooking/drinking. I find it rude. I also find it very hard to offer her much to eat or drink when she visits. She makes little effort when I visit her which is much less often.

Yesterday she was visiting and was looking in my child's Halloween cauldron. She kept on making comments about how tempted she was by the contents and I told her she couldn't have any as it wasn't mine to share. I offered her the snacks that she usually has and that I get in especially for her. She turned them down but continued glancing over at my child's cauldron and making comments about 'fancying something else'. I didn't give in but felt mean.

I'm getting fed up with her but wonder if I'm being a bit inhospitable. TBH I don't really believe her about the food intolerance as it's inconsistent and the faddiness seems very attention seeking at times but go along with it and get food and drink in that she likes.

I think she is Soubriquet. She's jealous of a sick child.

Weird, she’s testing you to try to get you to prioritise her above your own child. Does she have any dc of her own?

I’d probably joke and say, ‘look CF, that stuff is for DD, not us and it’s going to stay that way. Want a rich tea?’ Next time she’d get a hard stare.

I think you need to distance yourself from her

Her food intolerances sound more like attention seeking than anything else

How much pandering should a good host do?

This was my thread title but I realise it's not about food issues at all. It's the jealousy that's the issue.

Bin her as a friend, she isn't a good friend if she's jealous of a sick child. If you need to see her then see her separately outside in a cafe without your dd if possible.

I am increasingly amazed at the tolerance towards people described as "friends". There's no way I'd entertain keep someone as a "friend" who

• doesn't make any effort when you go to their house
• expect the moon on a plate when they visit your house
• ready-eye treats that belong to my DC, wtaf?!
• make rude remarks about your food choices, turn their nose up at what you offer them and generally act like a toddler.

keeping

Can't she go to a newsagents on the way home to buy some sweets.

Sounds hard work

If you can't bring yourself to bin her (and she would be no loss), then only see her on neutral territory, like coffee shops, where her weirdness doesn't brcome your problem.

She's jealous that your daughter isn't well and is bought treats by people who love her. What an awful woman - she should be bringing your daughter treats, too, rather than trying steal the gifts she has.

Why is she jealous of your child? Has she always been or just since your daughter has been ill?

There have been a few comments about my daughter being spoilt (which she is sometimes). She has a busy life and does various activities which I think are well worth the money and I budget to afford them. I see them as important but my friend never did much with her children.

My friend doesn't seem to understand the long term health issues my daughter deals with. I've explained it in depth yet she makes ignorant comments or dismisses the seriousness of it. My daughter has been more ill recently so she needs a bit more care. She still does after school activities - being ill does not mean she has to lie in bed all day.

The jealousy seems to tie in with the ill health being more severe. I might just be a bit less patient with my friend though.

You sound like a very lovely friend trying to understand what’s going on for your friend. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what’s going on for the other person; they’re unreasonable regardless.

Continue as you have; but the snacks for her as you enjoy her company and maybe start ignoring her comments more pointedly.

There have been a few comments about my daughter being spoilt (which she is sometimes).

My friend doesn't seem to understand the long term health issues my daughter deals with. I've explained it in depth yet she makes ignorant comments or dismisses the seriousness of it.

WTAF?! This is not a friend, this is a frenemy, a negger who puts you down and your daughter, too. Your child. A fuckwit who you actually feel mean for not allowing her to poach your child's sweets.

She understands exactly what she's doing.

Where is your self-esteem?

This bitch is toxic.

She is very vocal on making her dislike/disgust known about what I'm eating/cooking/drinking

Honestly, she would not be invited to my place again.

You handled it well.

The comments are not all the time. They're comments that I've found irritating and are not that often. I've maybe made her sound worse than she is. Most times I see her things are good.

The Halloween Haul is huge and I'm sure my daughter wouldn't miss a few but they are hers so she gets to decide who she gives them to. The persistently coveting her sweets got to me.

I'm trying to see things fairly not defend my friend. She has four healthy children and parents very differently - sink or swim philosophy and learn by their mistakes.

Why do you feel the need to be fair to someone who treats you like this? There's no excuse for comments like this at all from a so-called friend. There just isn't. It's not on. Ever, not just 'every so often'. She shouldn't have hinted about your child's sweets at all. Or looked in her belongings. That's fucked up. She has no boundaries. You'd have to be seriously lacking in self esteem to stay friends with someone like this, she has a total empathy and compassion bypass in addition to being a judgemental cow.

It's not really behaviour I expect in an adult. I've called her out on the exaggerated 'Ugh' sounds but it pisses me off that I have to do that.

It's unacceptable behaviour in a child, much less an adult. She does it because she can get away with it with you. Because with most people she'd do it once and they'd never invite her again. Same with the sweet thing. 'I fancy something different'. 'Well, you'd best get yourself to the sweet shop then because there's no way you're poaching my kid's sweet.

I particularly loath the 'hinting' behaviour in adults and in children, and find myself stubbornly refusing to respond. This is even worse! I can't fathom being friends with this infantile person OP, you have the patience of a bloody saint!

I'm here on mumsnet moaning about it though!

Still better at handling it than me! I am one of those really mean people who ignores the obvious hint of 'I really like xxx' while looking at me with a hangdog expression just because it BUGS ME SO MUCH. Just ask with a please! Gah

This thread has turned into a therapeutic exercise for me I think