To not be able to decide if he's as horrible as he sounds?

[RebelWitchFace]

Not a romantic interest,just someone I'm frequently in contact with.
What he says is awful ..racist,homophobic ,sexist etc. Basically he's a one man Daily Mail Bingo card.

His actions however don't actually reflect any of that. He's kind,helpful,friendly and nice to everyone regardless of their race,age,sex etc.
It kinda goes like this.

Homophobic comments- but staunch supporter of his gay friend getting married,happily attended and was involved in the wedding, no issues whatsoever with rights for gay people.

Racist comments- but he never treats people of another race as less, interacts with them, no issues with mixed race relationships or children,socialises and helps them when needed etc.

Sexist comments- but he treats women with respect, never a bad word to say about his ex or ex wife, still friends with them and he'd help them out in a heartbeat if they asked.

Comments about people on benefits- but when someone expressed surprise at how well raised a child from a family on benefits is he jumped on that person for being a snob and ofc the child is lovely and well behaved as the parents are the same,why would she be any different.

The examples are many and I can't really get my head around it. The way he acts and interacts with people(all people) make him a decent human being, the way he speaks make him an awful,ignorant bigot.

But if he is saying those things he is saying them out loud??

So he is an ignorant prick then?

Well he’s either just a fan of non pc jokes which I would find annoying tbh or he actually has no real opinions on anything and just repeats whatever he’s heard/read most recently which I would also find annoying.

I think I actions speak louder than words.
I would wonder why he makes these comments though?

I couldn’t be in the company of someone who makes those kinds of comments whatever his reason for saying them. I’ve unfriended close friends who have made racist slurs in the past so definitely couldn’t date someone who does.

Could you broach this with him OP?

I have a friend who is not as bad as this, but her actions don't match the things she says sometimes. I try and ignore the stupid comments and concentrate on the behaviour which is more helpful and tolerant than many others.

His father was his hero, frequently spoke like this and everyone thought he was hilarious. Your friend has learnt to be nice person by having good people around him but still wants the adoration he saw his bigoted father getting from his biggited cronies.

Who does he speak the ignorant/ racist/ bigoted crap to? Is he saying these things in the form of non pc jokes? Or is he only saying these things around say certain colleagues, as he is a people pleaser who wants everyone to think he is a great guy?

It seems to me that if he has gay friends, mixed race friends And genuinely is a nice guy that either he is leading two very different lives, where he is at heart a racist, homophobic bigot but acts like a great guy to save face. Or he is a great guy who for some reason is trying to sabotage his good guy image.

I personally would ask him, stating what you have here and saying

‘I am curious, by action you are tolerant, kind and accepting and seem like a genuinely great guy. However, your racist, homophobic, bigoted words/ comments/ jokes, make you seem like a bigoted arsehole! So which one are you, great guy or bigoted arsehole?

But then, I am autistic and see no point in not being direct. Particularly as I would want nothing to do with a racist, homophobic, bigoted arsehole anyway! Not to mention that his duplicitous behaviour would confuse the hell out of me!

He either puts on a good act, or he's as thick as pigs shit.

If he wasn't thick he'd understand how language etc influences thought processes and then the treatment of people.

If someone didn't understand why we need people to stop reiforcing negative stereotypes, I wouldn't want to be friends with them.

So he just likes to spread hate and bile about people behind their backs then and never to their faces? He sounds vile, tbh. I had a neighbour who was very racist, the stuff she posted on FB was horrible but then would collect coats and stuff for Syrian refugees. THEN vote UKIP. The good stuff she did, really didn't outweigh the constant hate speech.

When I've tried to bring up this with him he basically insists it's harmless ,how things always were, what he grew up hearing and doesn't get what the outrage is and "pc brigade gone mad" of course.

His dad(and mum) would be appalled. Proper hippies,poor as dirt when he grew up and on benefits ,stick it to the man,arrested for protesting against the war,free love type people.

On the other hand I know someone who is always sharing left-leaning things on Facebook but is the most judgmental arse in real life 

Sounds like he's trying to be deliberately provocative, almost to kick back at the 'PC Brigade' … makes him a bit of a knob tbh. He says it's harmless, but it isn't - it's clearly bothering you, and no doubt others too. I really can't imagine that a decent person would ever contemplate speaking the way he does, so I can only come to the conclusion that he's not as decent as you think. A closeted racist/homophobic/sexist bigot who gets off on spouting his shit in front of shocked friends.

He is as horrible as he sounds. He's decided there is no middle ground between hate speech and being a pc snowflake, and he can get away with being an utter shit as long as he acts nice.

He sounds like a dick. Is it attention seeking? He probably likes that it goes against how he was brought up but it's not acceptable and he needs to know that.

Nah, couldn't be doing with that.

If he is saying these things, somewhere in him must beleive it. Why would you tell a racist joke if you didn't find it funny. And if you find it funny then...

Everyone says inappropriate, hateful things, sometimes without realising but if he is saying these things all the time then he knows what he is saying.

It's bothering me because it's confusing. I like him 90% of the time and then he'll come out with something stupid like this and I can't understand how he can't see how much of a twat he sounds. It's not all the time either.

The way I'm tackling it atm is driving home the point that what he's saying was never acceptable or ok, but the minorities targeted had no power to say so.

Isn't he like the idiots who make a racist generalisation about immigrants, then add "Don't get me wrong - the ones I know are lovely. It's just all the others"

He seems to have a disconnect between the general and the personal

Ask him not to make those types of comments in front of you and see what happens. He thinks its harmless, but what he means is he can't see any harm in it.

He sounds like a grade A bellend.

Is he a "friend" or a colleague?

If he's a colleague and he's saying these things in a work environment then I'd raise it with his or your line manager.

If he's a "friend" then I'd tell him our friendship was over as I couldn't stand his repulsive bigoted shite for one second longer.

The way you describe the dissonance between his words and deeds reminds me of an awful woman of my acquaintance (distant relation) who was a pillar of the church and attended the pastor's gay wedding to his husband (no idea what denomination)... but spoke openly at home and to friends about "those fags at church". Would bill and coo "Ooh Mavis, I heard about your leg, how are you now dear?" Then at home: "Haha, that senile old bitch Mavis fell down the steps, serves her right for saying I'd given the wrong hymn sheet out."

Went to Tesco at Easter and bought 50 eggs to be given to all the children at Sunday school. Took her own children's Easter money and spent it on scratchcards.

Worked in a care home for years, was always sweetness itself to visiting relatives who all remarked on how caring she was. She would arrive home after a shift talking about "that fucking bitch shit herself just as I was due to leave" and proudly displaying the inventory of drugs that she'd managed to steal that day for her DP to resell on the street.

Sweetly told the school staff "I have no idea why DS is so angry and acting out. I am so sorry you're getting the brunt of it at school. He's a nightmare at home too. I can only think he still blames me for leaving his Dad 10 years ago." At home she was frequently telling this DS "I'm glad your dad died, I wish you would too", "You're not my favourite, your brother is", "You're thick as fuck so don't even bother me about your homework, you're going to fail anyway so what's the point". All interspersed with slaps, kicks, shoves, punches, a few black eyes, and finally a push down a flight of stone steps.

(She was finally unmasked when she flew into a full on narc rage at a school meeting in front of year head, pastoral care and social worker. All of whom subsequently apologised to the DC for not believing him and he was swiftly removed from her "care".)

Ugh, how can you spend time with someone like this.

Being his friend reflects badly on you, absolutely.

@NotTheFordType

Not wanting to derail the thread, but if your acquaintance was/is a registered nurse, you need to report her to the NMC, no matter how long ago she was thieving medication. If she was a care assistant, how the hell did she have access to drugs?

Well the incidents are becoming more infrequent and some expressions have disappeared completely from his vocabulary.(at least in my presence)

A significant turning point was when I was furious at him "teaching" me the p word. English is my second language and he always used it nonchalantly. The me it was just an abbreviation of a longer words that made sense. Found out the hard way the history and implications of it and that it's racist.He started censoring himself more after that and I always ask questions/google if I'm not familiar with a term.

My dad is like this & gets worse with age. I too find it very odd!