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Original poster

To be pissed off my ex let ds (2.5) sleep 3-430pm?!

35 replies

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 03/11/2018 23:46

Title explains it.
Don’t want to drip feed or out myself but I’ve a thread in 30 days only that explains my situation.

So I split from ex 3 weeks ago. There was dv/da history but he was a good dad - I know everyone says that.

He’s only had ds2 a couple of times for an hour here or there but today had him 11-5. On drop off he said ds slept 3-430 (probably longer).

Now he knows he doesn’t nap or if he does it’s in the morning. Ds has LD quite significant and sleep is a massive issue as it is, he’s up early whatever time he goes to sleep.

Since moving I’ve finally got dc in a routine and settled with all the changes (house move, no ex) but now tonight that’s out the window. He’s still wide awake showing no signs of tiredness.
I have major health issues and now haven’t had my evening meds in fear of falling asleep as they make me drowsy.

Am I over reacting? I’m so annoyed.
My emotions are all over the place as it is. I keep thinking have I done the right thing leaving him but this has confirmed I have. He let him sleep knowing what he would be like.

I didn’t expect this post to be so long, so sorry :(
Feel free to tell me I’m overthinking this. Ex seems to think I’m making a fuss over nothing and has insinuated I’m cruel.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 03/11/2018 23:53

I've always let my children nap when they're tired. You say you have a routine - it is unlikely any child will stick to this routine when cared by someone else/in a different environment.

Orlande · 03/11/2018 23:54

It's annoying when a late nap throws out their routine, but you are overreacting.

TheRoadLessRocky · 03/11/2018 23:55

I'd be pissed off even without the LD and your health issues. If my 3yo falls asleep any time after 2 I'm desperately trying to wake her. It fucks up her whole routine.

Sounds to me like he couldn't be bothered to keep DS awake, wanted to enjoy the peace. Also with the abuse history, I would be suspicious that he's doing it purposely to mess with you.

You're not cruel - my dp tried saying that once when I insisted on waking DD up from a nap. But it wasn't dp who would be sat up for hours, for a week, trying to reinstate the evening routine. It is cruel to let a child sleep so much that they are then awake half the night (illness excepting) and struggling the next day.

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 03/11/2018 23:59

By routine I mean he doesn’t nap, he has supper, bath, story, bed and has been asleep by 730 every night and that’s without his sleep medication.
He’s wide awake and emotional.
He has done this as he knows what he’s like if he sleeps in the afternoon. Ex used to go mad when he was “disruptive” at nights of childminder let him nap.
I’m so so angry as I know he has done this on purpose. I told him at 11 when he picked him up he seemed a bit tired and was falling asleep cuddling me but he insisted he picked him up then - 3pm is 4 hours later.
Urgh :(

OP posts:
Sparklerfizz · 04/11/2018 00:02

Allowing a two year old to sleep that late at that time in the day is bonkers. Routine or no/minimal routine, whatever the parenting style I don’t know any parents who would think this was a good idea for a 2.5 year old.

Sounds like He couldn’t be bothered to keep ds awake as I find they are quite badly behaved/mischievous/whingy due to being tired at this point In the day. But you power through as it’s almost tea bath and bed time and If you have the child’s best interests at heart you know a nap of this length at this time of day will push back bed time and the possibly impact on the next day.
Your ex sounds entirely unreasonable and I’d keep logs of all of this kind of behaviour incase you need to go through official channels re access.
Yes a child can’t be kept in their exact routine in a different environment, but his total lack of regard and insight into what your ds needs to help him feel secure and happy is astounding.
Good luck I hope you both get some sleep soon.

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 04/11/2018 00:27

Thank you I hope so too.

He’s still wide awake. He will still wake up 5am and now be grumpy all day either way.

And now arguing with ex :(

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 04/11/2018 00:31

Contrary opinion here.
I've seen so many exhausted kids kept awake by their parents to maintain a routine, and often it is just cruel. The child's body knows what it needs and is not governed by artificial timekeeping.
My daughter slept whenever she wanted and it didn't disrupt any routine at all. Obviously not all children are the same.

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 04/11/2018 05:35

Just after 1 he went to sleep and now he’s wide awake ready for the day .
I’m exhausted

OP posts:
DNAwrangler · 04/11/2018 05:46

Sympathies OP, that would drive me bonkers.

Disquieted, even if that did work for your DC, it clearly doesn't for OP's DS. And I don't believe that if, for example, your 2.5 year old wanted to sleep 5-6 pm that they'd then go to sleep at their usual 7-8 pm. Nope.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2018 06:15

Disquieted
Your dd is very much in the minority. It isn’t cruel to keep a child awake late afternoon if it means them not going to bed until 1 am. Better to keep them awake for a couple of hours and put them to bed even say at 5.30 pm just after eating if bedtime is usually at 7.

My dd was the same. A child, who is clearly now not needing daily naps, can’t be expected to sleep for 90 mins until 4.30 and go to bed at 7.30. I had to allow a 4 hour window between any nap and bed with dd even if the nap was nodding off in the car 😱 and only 5/10 mins! I remember several occasions playing her music and getting her to sing along when returning home from visiting friends.

chitofftheshovel · 04/11/2018 06:20

Thats really tough on you and your son.
Any chance you can get him out on the fresh air for a couple of hours, tire him out, and get him to nap say 10 till 12 and then get back into routine?

Flowerpot2005 · 04/11/2018 06:31

...'asleep at 7.30pm without sleep medication', could you clarify this?

TBH the issue is your ex that's upsetting you, not the sleep. Your LO was tired when he left yesterday, maybe he got a second wind & crashed later. Either way, don't let the ex take up your head space.

Make some hot chocolate, put a programme or dvd on you both like, duvet, sofa & just relax for a while.

Alondra · 04/11/2018 06:38

The problem with separating/divorced parents is that children usually have to survive 2 different types of parenting, it usually creates a lot of upheaval and angst.

A toddler needs napping during the day and 1.5 hours between 2-4 pm is basically standard. He's young enough to still be in bed by 7.30 and go to sleep if the routine is established. Most kids this age will wake up early no matter how many hours they sleep.

Just breathe in. It's going to take a while to combine two different parenting styles until one similar routine. Explain gently to your ex what you need and how important it is getting a schedule right for everyone's benefit specially your child. The more you argue with the ex and hint he's crap at parenting the more defensive he's going to be. Break the negative circle.

KatKit16 · 04/11/2018 06:45

I feel your pain but I have a DD (6) that daytime naps. I literally cannot stop her. She has to sleep. Frustrating but she is absolute hell if she doesn't.

UghFletcher · 04/11/2018 06:58

I feel for you OP.

Firstly, I agree your ex is an arse for letting DS sleep that long, that late in the afternoon. I had to have words with nursery about not letting my DS sleep anytime after 2pm or he wouldn't go to bed at an acceptable hour.

A lot of people seem to be missing the fact that you have mentioned additional needs and sleep medication so you're already battling with getting a child to sleep let alone when a routine has been completely put out of kilter. It's a dick move from ex especially when he has previously complained about behaviour when a childminder has let them sleep later in the day.

Is it possible that he (ex) has DS after his naps so they can spend time together awake and not have to worry about him falling asleep too early? That or he continues only to get him for a couple of hours until he can be trusted to follow a prescribed routine?

clarehhh · 04/11/2018 07:02

Can’t make them sleep if they don’t need it just say in future please wake after an hour.

thinkingcapon · 04/11/2018 07:02

What sleep medication does he take?

galaxy101 · 04/11/2018 07:02

Just be clear with your ex, tell him if he can't stick to the routine YOU have put the work into, then not to bother coming for him next time.

I had this with my ex, all the work id put into sleep routines to ensure I had some sort of an evening and the lazy shite let our child sleep late. It's not on, I told him very clearly that he's to stick to the routine or can't have her full days as I can't trust him to stick to the routine. He's never done it since.

Don't argue with him, just set your expectations and leave it at that.

I know it's hard, you need to do what's right for you.

anniehm · 04/11/2018 07:12

Just live and let live. If they are tired, why wake them. Routine is fine but don't be a slave to them. Mine often did that, yes a bit annoying but don't over think it, these things happen

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 04/11/2018 07:21

Sorry should have clarified he’s on melatonin slow release.
He does have phenergan but that seemed to impact him the day after so I don’t give him that. The peadritrcian knows this. It’s all prescribed.
Yes I’m keeping him busy and he should nap this morning.

OP posts:
ems137 · 04/11/2018 07:23

I'd be fuming too.

My eldest 2 wouldn't have been massively interrupted at that age with a short nap but a long nap, at that time, would definitely have meant at least 11pm bedtime. They never used to get massively cranky either though.

These youngest 2 would probably have suffered the same effect as your DS. I can't even let my 15 month old sleep after 2.30 or he will be up until 10pm, up a lot through the night and up between 5-6am.

Your ex has done this on purpose, either to spite you or just because he couldn't be arsed to look after his child properly. My exH used to feed the kids on pop and ice cream (toddlers) right before sending them home. Once I found out I told him if he couldn't look after them properly he wouldn't have them at all.

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 04/11/2018 07:30

ems exactly what mine are like!
Yes he has done it on purpose. 2am he. Texts me that he forgot to give him supper..

OP posts:
LilMy33 · 04/11/2018 07:30

You’re not cruel. My son has a sleep disorder linked to his ASD and as a result I don’t like him sleeping before his bedtime ever as it simply makes his sleep worse.

You say you left your ex due to abuse and that he is “a good dad”. In my own experience this is contradiction in terms. Be prepared for this and similar to happen again when he has contact again. It might have been done with the best of intentions but it also might well have been done to control you from a distance (which he has). It’s exactly the sort of thing my ex has attempted to do.

Escolar · 04/11/2018 07:38

I'd be really cross about this, but it was probably your ex being thoughtless rather than deliberately annoying. Try not to let it turn into a big issue between you - there will likely be more important battles to fight in future!

EyUpOurKid · 04/11/2018 07:57

I'd be furious too. My DM thinks it's cruel that I "don't let" DS (almost 2) nap. (He stopped napping a couple of months ago and has slept 7-7 solidly since) It's not her sat up all night while he bounces about and then is up every hour till he's up for the day at dawn and the knock on effect for the next day.

And that's without the health issues you and your DC have. If he was an abusive arsehole while you were together then I'd say chances are when your ds fell asleep he thought he'd have a bit of a dig, knowing that it would upset you and the routine, didn't wake him on purpose and has succeeded in making your life difficult.