MIL & anorexia

[Thiscantberight1]

Namechanged.

My MIL is nearly 60 and emaciated. Always has been for the time I’ve been with DH (approx 7 years or so). We don’t see a lot of her, they’re a nice family but not emotionally close and quite polite with each other. DH isn’t particularly ‘himself’ around her. All very nicey-nicey, iyswim.

She’s always extremely underweight but because I’ve never known her any other way I’m kind of used to it. I don’t want to drip feed or go into lots of detail but I’ve discussed this with DH in the past and he said she’s always been like this but wouldn’t feel comfortable mentioning it to her. The whole family are like this - all ultra polite to each other - so I doubt it’s been mentioned.

I appreciate this is an extremely delicate subject and I hope I’m not causing any offence. It’s all coming from a good place. I just want to understand or at least try to help.

• id say she’s a size 4, can’t weigh more than 6 stone, that may even be generous. She constantly has a cold, her eyes are sunken and she is extremely flat personality-wise. Almost like she isn’t quite connecting with life.
• when she visits a GP, is the GP likely to mention her weight? How does it work?
• what is likely to happen long term? Can the body sustain this level of undereating? She’s nearly 60 so surely it becomes more damaging? I believe she’s always been this way. I understand ED’s can be present throughout the sufferers life.
• what would you do in this situation??

Do you know that she does actually have an eating disorder?

I am a nurse, and if I visited your MIL I would absolutely speak to her about her weight. It forms part of my basic assessment.
She will be damaging her health by being so thin, she will be at an increased risk of chronic conditions such as cardiovascular disease, her immunity will be reduced, and her body will take much longer to heal if she sustains any wounds.

What outcome are you seeking? If she does have an ED, and has had for as long as your DH can remember, then it's unlikely that she will overcome it now. If she doesn't have an ED, then what? What involvement in her health do you think it is appropriate for you to have, assuming she is independent and has capacity?

IME a GP may well mention her weight, if she sees a GP. Mine commented on my weight during the course of an unrelated consultation- I was running a bit and had naturally dropped a bit of weight as a result and I'm slim anyway. He was concerned and unconvinced when I said it was the running that had done it. However, not every GP would react that way, especially if she's always been thin. It might well be normal for her.

I think you should myob tbh.

Do you know she is actually not eating? Have you ever seen her eat?
There could be lots of other reasons why she is underweight besides having an eating disorder.

Oh wow I can’t see anything good at all coming from you interfering.

How do you know she has anorexia? How do you know she doesn’t have some other pre-existing chronic illness?

Keep your beak out.

My gp mentions my weight every single sodding time I go so I would think it’s come up.
Why do you assume an eating disorder? Because she’s underweight?

It’s so aggressive on here

My husband has said she’s always had problems with food, food has always been a problem. She makes a huge song and dance about food but never eats it. He knows full well she’s anorexic, we all do. Shoot me for wanting to understand a bit more and heaven forbid actually try and help the woman.

To say she’s underweight is a gross exaggeration. She doesn’t have any other health conditions that would cause this. I’m a size 8 (I’m not exactly large myself) but she is half the size of me.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do OP. I know a couple of women like this. One turns 80 next year. They all see it as 'healthy eating'.

Thanks nightsky. I know you’re right. I suppose the bottom line is I don’t want her to die of a heart attack or something. I want her to be around for her grandchildren. She looks worse and worse with each year that passes.

I think you should do something. My dd is recovering from AN and I would hate for me to die, her to get old, suffer from AN, with nobody to help. The only way that I think that you could do it is to phone / talk to her doctor. See what s/he says and take it from there.

How do you know that she doesn't have any other health conditions? You say you doubt anything has been mentioned as they are all just super polite to each other, so how would you know for sure? Im not saying that to be rude, I just think you need to tread carefully as it's always going to be a delicate subject, especially in a family where no one really opens up.

One of my in laws is super skinny to the point she looks unwell. She literally fits in kids clothes and looks really frail. She has always been that way though and doesn't have an eating disorder. It would be easy to assume she is unwell. I'm not saying this is the same in your situation, but sometimes things aren't always as they seem

My DM has anorexia. She's a bit older than your MIL.

I am so, so worried about my DM. She's had it her whole life but it's got so much worse in the past 7 years since my DGPs died and then DM has suffered health issues for the past year or so. It seems that none of the HCPs that have dealt with these issues have really paid much attention to her weight or suspected an ED.

My DBs and DS and I all try to help her, and if you were my DSIL, OP, I'd really want you to try to help too, even if it meant upsetting the apple cart, and be really grateful and touched that you cared.

However, how exactly to help your DMIL? Well that's where I draw a blank. Have you spoken to your DP about their DM?

I can see that you're genuinely worried about your MIL, OP, and I can understand why, but I honestly can't see what you can do about it, if you don't have a close relationship with her generally. Especially as if, from what you're saying, it's a family that are super polite to each other.

All you can do is continue to be supportive of her relationship with her DS and DGC.

OP I'm sorry you are getting such shit replies.
A few years ago I got depressed, and I hadn't really realised it. Luckily my Dc and their partner talked to me, and it made me have a good look at my life.
Good luck x

My MIL was a bit like this. Barely ate, and would often talk about how disgustingly fat she was at 9.5 stone (my weight at the time). She had a few other health problems too, including alcoholism. It was sad, and a bit frustrating but there was nothing anyone could do. Couldn't make her eat, couldn't make her stop drinking. She died of liver failure and never met our kids. She wasn't the type to accept anything was a problem so we all just had to shrug and hope for the best. DP wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything to her, and I definitely wouldn't.

My d is a recovering anorexic. Broadly the stats for anorexia indicate that about 1 in 5 anorexia sufferers die - from either direct physical symptoms such as heart failure, or suicide. Of the remainder, about half will recover, and the other half will live with the condition all of their lives.

Part of anorexia is a condition called anosognosia - the sufferer genuinely can’t see that there is a problem, so there’s nothing to solve or treat.

It’s hard to make suggestions on what to do. If she’s been like this as long as your dh can remember, then it’s become her normality. She probably sees her way of living as just more healthy than everyone else. It might be worth expressing concern to her doctor, but as she’s an adult - and GPS are so overstretched these days, I’m not sure that they would act. The one thing I would be careful of is how her behaviours around food might come across to any DC you have.

My d is one of the lucky ones, but anorexia is such a nasty and misunderstood condition. It’s not a choice, she probably genuinely doesn’t see the problem xxx

Wow OP, you’ve had some odd responses on here. “Keep your beak out”...really?

As a former anorexic, if someone hadn’t stuck their beak in, I’d probably be dead now. I’m so grateful to the person who had the courage to have that difficult conversation with me.

I can see that your post is out of concern and that you obviously don’t want your MIL to die.

There’s a risk that anything you say might not be well received but maybe making an effort to develop your relationship with her and genuinely find out how she is could be a step in the right direction. And her age does not mean that things can’t change for her.

I’m shocked at the posts on here who could just let this go by them...

You could take her out for a coffee or something to have a chat. Explain to her your concerns and maybe she might open up to you. Maybe she just needs to be loved and for someone to care for her. You say you don’t see very much of her so maybe spending the day with her one to one would be good.

Sounds very similar to my MIL. She is 10 years older than yours, OP but has always had very disordered eating patterns. I've known her getting on for 25 years now and this is nothing new. She used to have a very busy, full-on job which involved grabbing meals as and when she could, and long shifts.

Neither her nor FIL are interested in food and cooking. They wouldn't ever dream of going out to eat. It's fuel to them, nothing more. MIL is tiny, she's only about 5 feet tall (if that) and get most of her clothes in the children's section. My 12 year old dd towers over her. She's always been slim and is probably a size 6.

She has ongoing health issues with low blood pressure and other problems. She had a bad fall last week after standing up too quickly and getting dizzy. She was weighed by the GP and she's lost a stone in the last year.

Yes she's too thin, everyone knows she's too thin, but she is not interested in changing her eating habits. She just isn;t interested in eating and firmly believes that thin is good. FIL compliments her on how thin she is. It's very deeply entrenched.

I don't know what the protocol is for dealing with anorexia, but she's not the only one. Usually adults (rather than teens) disguise it by saying they are food sensitive or have IBS, etc. - they lie.

Of course the family are 'polite' - they've been conditioned/threatened not to mention the bleeding obvious.

Getting MIL to a GP might be beyond difficult. Even then she'll probably reject treatment. I suspect she has rejected help before - GPs do look at weight and general health, especially for the emaciated.

Just a thought - er, there's no possibility she's an alcoholic is there? Often the two run together, and at least the drink has calories in it.

You're getting some awful replies here. I had AN too, and am now recovered. It was difficult but doable. I really find the comment that someone is too old to recover at 60 quite offensive. Of course it's harder if you've suffered for a long time, but it's not hopeless.

I don't know how you can help her though, unless you're close.

and at least the drink has calories in it Oh so that's okay then is it? She may be starving herself of food but as long as she's "fuelling up" with empty alcohol calories, she'll be grand?!

Well you've had some nasty responses!

The first few posters seem to think that your MIL has health issues that she hasn't disclosed to you so you are out of order. Yes this could be the case but from your other posts it's seems unlikely.

I think that you should try (gently) to get through to her. It probably won't work but it's worth a try. As a poster above said something along the lines of 'if family hadn't been there I would be dead'.

I'm not sure about the best way to broach the subject with her. But I do think you have to try. Hopefully a wiser mumsnetter will know what to say.

Honestly though , I think you'll fail. She's been this way for so long, she probably doesn't know any other way. But just in case there's a tiny chance she's willing to except help then I think it is worth it.

Good luck to you.

It's obvious you care and want to help, OP, but if she's had an eating disorder for at least three decades, the likelihood of her acknowledging it and agreeing to treatment is pretty remote. I'm sorry but I think you have to let it go, it's too big and too entrenched from r you to be able to help her.