MIL & anorexia

[Thiscantberight1]

Namechanged.

My MIL is nearly 60 and emaciated. Always has been for the time I’ve been with DH (approx 7 years or so). We don’t see a lot of her, they’re a nice family but not emotionally close and quite polite with each other. DH isn’t particularly ‘himself’ around her. All very nicey-nicey, iyswim.

She’s always extremely underweight but because I’ve never known her any other way I’m kind of used to it. I don’t want to drip feed or go into lots of detail but I’ve discussed this with DH in the past and he said she’s always been like this but wouldn’t feel comfortable mentioning it to her. The whole family are like this - all ultra polite to each other - so I doubt it’s been mentioned.

I appreciate this is an extremely delicate subject and I hope I’m not causing any offence. It’s all coming from a good place. I just want to understand or at least try to help.

• id say she’s a size 4, can’t weigh more than 6 stone, that may even be generous. She constantly has a cold, her eyes are sunken and she is extremely flat personality-wise. Almost like she isn’t quite connecting with life.
• when she visits a GP, is the GP likely to mention her weight? How does it work?
• what is likely to happen long term? Can the body sustain this level of undereating? She’s nearly 60 so surely it becomes more damaging? I believe she’s always been this way. I understand ED’s can be present throughout the sufferers life.
• what would you do in this situation??

I have experience of a family member with anorexia. It can be very hard to help them and in your MIL's case, a woman who has been like this for decades according to your DH, I would say almost impossible. I would not try to get involved. Just leave it. There's nothing you can do to change her.

You can report your concerns to her GP if you know which is her surgery. They can't confirm or deny that she is a patient but can take a report (I think).

My grandma has anorexia. She's 89 and has had it since she was mid 40s or so apparently. She can't be changed and she's well enough to function but it can be so awkward (totally with you on the always fussing about everyone else eating while eating nothing herself).

Plus, one of her daughters had bulimia and I've been anorexic since my teens so it's either genetic or we pick up on vibes from each other, I don't know!

YANBU to worry.

Oh, and I say that as someone who's experienced recurrent ED's for more than 30 years and, at times, lived off just alcohol alone. Those calories are not worth jack shit!

Her bone density will be appalling OP, and at her age, all it takes is one fall to end up with broken bones/fractures that won't heal. I've seen it first hand with a family friend in her early 50s who is now chronically disabled due to a trip over a pavement..........

You're very right to be worried, but I don't even know how to begin to say to tackle it. I'd have a look at some anorexia support forums online and see if you can get some ideas.

“Keep your beak out”...really?

Yes really.

There is no indication from the OP that her relationship with her MIL is in any way close so that her concerns will be welcomed or even acknowledged.

By the sounds of the whole family dynamics any interference may even cause a big rift or push MIL into some kind of crisis.

If anyone plans to raise this with MIL it should be FIL or the op’s husband and he’s already said he’d never do that.

As for talking to MIL’s GP, by all means give them a call and express concerns, but they can’t and won’t discuss MIL with the OP, they won’t even be able to confirm that she’s a patient at the surgery.

If you read the OP more carefully she hasn't mentioned intervening herself she's asking for advice.

OP I think DH and his family need to take one shot at saving her, so that if anything happens they knew they did what they could. I would tell him to stop being so nicey and polite and do something.

He and siblings or father need to alert her GP (the GP can't give out info but you can give them info), and talk to her.

If she refuses to listen, there's not much they can do. But you can't assume that at 59 she won't respond to intervention and that she's a lost cause.

What Shambu said. One shot.

I do think most medical professionals would point it out and be concerned by it, in my experience of having been underweight for many years. Whether she would get good help would depend on the GP and how open she is to talking about it.

I think the main question would be whether it's a lack of appetite which can be caused by several things or physical discomfort from eating causing an aversion to doing so which again can have many causes or whether it is anorexia nervosa or another eating disorder. I really think it is important not to assume being underweight or lack of eating is automatically anorexia nervosa or another eating disorder when there are tons of other reasons why people can be underweight or struggling eating that may not be obvious. If you've never talked about it, you won't really know. The treatment is quite different depending on the cause.

I mean, I have chronic low appetite believed to be caused in part by damage to my digestion system through extensive childhood neglect. You would not know that looking at me and I think, in person, maybe a couple people know that. Also, unlike my spouse who comfort eats when stressed, I do the opposite - stress makes my appetite crash and everything feels like a pointy heavy rock in my gut which makes me even less likely to eat which makes me more susceptible to stress. Vicious cycle I have to be very careful about. Getting help for this has been hard because pretty much since I was a girl, everyone assumed I was dieting/had an eating disorder rather than I had a lack of access to food which turned into not feeling hungry for longer and longer periods of time to the point I could feel painfully full for hours on a half a flatbread and go a day or two without noticing & needed a timer to remind me to eat. I still go through periods of it now and I'm well into my thirties with years of food security between me and that.

As for helping, there isn't much other people can do without more information. I personally was helped with medically low appetite through a routine of fortified foods (nutrition deficiencies can make low appetite worse) until I could build up to a selection of foods I enjoy that don't tend set my stomach off when I'm stressed alongside living with people who wouldn't let me forget. If she continues as she is, she'll likely be less resilient to many things but the human body is complicated and as she's apparently gone years like this, she may go years more.

I agree with Bluelady unfortunately. Some people are just beyond help, and the likelihood of someone with chronic anorexia being able to turn it around in later life is pretty remote. It sounds cold and uncaring but it’s true. Not only that, but change can only come from her, and do you think she’d be receptive to an intervention? Not to mention the awkward family dynamic you describe where everyone tiptoes around carefully and remains ultra polite and daren't rock the boat...

I’m sorry, but if she’s got to 60 with anorexia then she’s really never going to come out the other side.
It’s all about managing it now. And if the family is all living in a lie then there’s not much you can do. Other than get your dh to confront it.

Can the body sustain this level of undereating? YES but it will take from other parts of her body. I often forget to eat, I would eat everyday but some nights when I get into bed, I hear a rumble and realise I didn't eat much today. I do not think of eating unless I'm in my PT job on my lunch break

I have been like this forever. I make sure what I eat is nutritious but often worry if I got sick could my body cope with the weight loss? When my DC grow up I'll eat non stop. Yes I do think it should be mentioned, if she seems unwell if she caught a flu it would probably kill her at 6 stone.

@theonewith I’m so glad you aren’t my friend or family (or I hope you’re not)

If she does have an ED then yes, it’s difficult, full recovery is rare. It took me 16 years to work through once I finally acknowledged and sort help...after a persistent intervention from someone who’s initial conversations were very unwelcome by me. Now, I can’t tell you how grateful I am that they cared more about me than they did about being polite and rocking the boat.

The chances are that OP won’t get anywhere BUT there is a CHANCE she MIGHT.

*sought

It's difficult OP. You have described my DM. Mine has been tiny and having picked her up after a fall recently I was shocked how light she was. When the nurse and doctor saw her they were shocked at her weight. For the first time ever she admitted she was a tad skinny (in her 70s). There's a lot of intervention going on, and we've been encouraging extra calories where possible - only to find that she's making herself sick!!

The point I'm getting to, is that the medical people are fully aware, and ask all the time. She gets very angry if we talk about it. In the instance of my mother, I think it's some sort of control amongst other things. Very difficult to deal with.

This could be my mum she is mid 60s and has always had disordered eating for as far back as I can remember she used to eat "diet" bread and laxatives. What can you say that probably hasn't been mentioned all her life she knows she isn't eating her family know she doesn't eat you mentioning Drs and whatnot will probably get her back up.

I had a relative that died in her 60s from sepsis but no doubt her anorexia contributed. She had no resilience and had become skeletal. It was very hard to see but she was never going to change and it was a matter of time before something killed her unfortunately. It is really hard and upsetting to see.