To be sat in my car eating a salmon sandwich

[WhatSheSaidLastTime]

This might be long so bear with me.

Earlier this evening my husband and I had a big argument. We needed to decide what to do about seeing his parents/family at Christmas as they live about 3.5 hours from us. I suggested we went the Friday before Christmas and came home Sunday lunch time. We normally visit from Friday evening until Sunday evening but as I will need to get everything ready for Christmas on the Sunday afternoon/Christmas Eve I asked if we could leave a bit earlier on the Sunday. He was NOT happy with that so stormed off (as he does whenever he gets annoyed). We then had a ‘conversation’ about it via text message where he expressed that he thinks I’m selfish wanting to leave early just to buy some ‘vegetables’. I tried to explain that as I will be working the whole of December (every day very very long hours), and then will have to sort out packing for the visit, presents for giving during the visit, Christmas arrangements for when we return, the children etc I just wanted to not get home at 10pm the night before Christmas Eve and then have to spend Christmas Eve sorting everything out and not spending time with our young children. Any way, I ended up getting very annoyed because he wouldn’t acknowledge that I have ALOT to do and him offering to ‘help’ just infuriated me. Should he ‘help’ in his own home with his own kids?!

He then came and tried to apologise by tapping my shoulder and trying to hug me. He will never actuLly say sorry, he just hugs me and then acts like nothing has happened unless I prompt him. I pulled away and wanted an apology for how he had reacted and he stormed off again saying I was ungrateful and just wanted everything my own way for not hugging him first before he said sorry 🤔

I am at the end of my tether with the total lack of communication, with having to have any form of ‘serious’ conversation via text. Of him getting annoyed and storming off all the time.

So here I am now, I just had to get out of the house for a bit so I’m eating a Tesco salmon and cucumber sandwich in the car!

Can you book into a hotel for tonight? Some space might be good and you deserve better than the car.

YANBU he sounds like a prick. Does he not get involved in the Christmas prep? He seems to have no idea what's involved.

I personally wouldn't give in. What happens if you insist that he stays and talks? Storming off is ridiculous. he sounds like a child.

YABU eating a salmon sandwich. Fish and bread have no place together. Ever!

Yanbu, he hasn't apologised or made any attempt at communication, he just wants everything to go back to how it was before.

This is what killed my first marriage. We just couldn't talk, he acted as if talking was hard work. I find not talking is much harder work than just getting it over with.

Your request about Christmas sounds very reasonable to me. Has this kind of thing (with his parents) been a problem for a while?
It does also sound like he makes fairly weak efforts to patch up arguments and expects you to then put in the extra work again.

That sounds tough. Having to communicate via text doesn't sound fun but then sometimes I find it easier to talk to my husband if we're out walking and not directly looking at each other, if that makes sense. Might going for a walk together help next time? I think you should lay out exactly what you need to do on the Sunday when you get back once you're feeling calmer and then you can discuss divvying up all the different tasks? Good luck xx

I’d go and get some chocolate too! I definitely don’t think you’re being unreasonable, It sounds very frustrating!

Thanks guys, I also have chocolate!

It is so frustrating. It’s a reoccurring argument that he really doesn’t appreciate how big my ‘mental load’ (I hate that term) is. I have a very demanding job and young children and experience a lot of mummy guilt which isn’t helped when he tells me to ‘just make some time’.

I hate that he won’t ever talk to me about anything that isn’t superficial. We have never had a serious conversation about us face to face. I am by no means perfect, believe me, but things just seem to be getting ridiculous. I think if he would just even appreciate how much I do and how exhausted I am all the time it would make me feel better 🙄

How about he takes the kids to see his parents so you get to do Christmas prep without being harassed? Alternatively, write an exhaustive list, divvy it up and give him half (or more) and tell him to get on and do it once you get back from his parents. Bet he soon realises that he’s being a twat.

As an aside, i don’t get the whole Christmas angst. A mate buys and wraps presents months in advance-I can’t decide if that’s ridiculous or sheer genius. Honestly, I’d be buy8ng everything pre-prepared and just shoving it all in the oven on the day. Concentrate on having a nice day and remember it is just ONE day. Obviously, there are families to keep happy and I’ve made myself incredibly unpopular by refusing to visit anyone but I refuse to be harassed travelling miles with dc/organising dog/horse care.

I hate that he won’t ever talk to me about anything that isn’t superficial. We have never had a serious conversation about us face to face. I am by no means perfect, believe me, but things just seem to be getting ridiculous. I think if he would just even appreciate how much I do and how exhausted I am all the time it would make me feel better

Time for a serious sit down and chat. Counselling, maybe? Or dump some stuff onto him and see how he copes?

Why are you dealing with all the Christmas prep? It’s not at all stressful if you share it between you. All Christmas food, drink , presents etc ordered online and anything extra divided between you and your DH.

Christmas dinner is one meal and definitely not worth stress and arguments.

Why can't he do the prep and packing for the visit to his parents? And why can't you buy Christmas dinner ready prepared ready to slam in the oven? We go to M&S and buy turkey crown, ready prepared roasties, ready peeled veg and cartons of gravy. All delicious! Sod all that peeling spuds, carrots, parsnips and sprouts! Pudding goes in the micro! Job done!

I know that Christmas isn’t worth getting stressed about, I just will work solidly all of December and finish on 21st, to then have to sort out going away, to be away and not really relax to come home to then have to wrap ours and the kids presents, sort food, clean etc. I don’t mind too much, I just thought he might appreciate this and not mind leaving a couple of hours early.

Also, I love wrapping presents. It’s the thing I love about Christmas, I know I could get him to do this but I also get really fed up of never having tome to do anything for me, I really want to do this.

I agree with others, Christmas is only one day and it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Write a list of jobs and sit and discuss who will do what. Leave it on the fridge so each can see what has been crossed off and you can add as you remember other things.

It feels as if you need to sit down and have a grown-up conversation. Rightly or wrongly, my DH still doesn't 'get' what goes into planning and hosting Christmas even though he will always help when given a specific list of things to be done.

Make a list of all of the jobs - decluttering, buying presents, shopping, food shopping, wrapping, cleaning, cooking, decorating and talk through what you are each going to do in the run up to Christmas. By the 22nd I would expect to have all presents bought and wrapped and the majority of the food shopping done so that all that needs doing on the 23rd/24th is buying fresh stuff, collecting the turkey from the butchers etc.

You need to agree that if you are going to his family on the weekend before Christmas that he will have completed his list of jobs and you will have done yours.

He buys the presents, you wrap them. You order the food, he preps it.

Dh offered to cook Christmas dinner last year when I was complaining about the work. A risk but it was just us and the kids so ok I thought - and it was fine, I did make suggestions about the menu but he did the shopping for it and prepared it all. A restful Christmas Day for me, and well deserved since I buy all the presents. I also stay at home while he makes a pre Christmas visit to his parents and use the time to wrap presents. He will never acknowledge how busy you are, as if he acknowledges it he will have to do something about it.

Thanks everyone. I think that this latest argument has just highlighted that we have quite a few problems. I know that realistically Christmas isn’t that important. I know that if I wrote a list he will help me but I just don’t think I should have to and I hate that he sees me exhausted from work and home life yet I still have to ask him and I get called selfish for wanting a bit of time back.

I’ve suggested counselling but he adamantly won’t do it. He’s now texting me apologising but I know that if I go home we’ll make up and I’m anoutjer week or so there’ll be another disagreement and it’ll be back to square one again.

Don't go to his parents, let him take the kids. You get loads of time to wrap presents and sort stuff in peace (and get some time to relax too). Why do you have to go?

Sounds like you’d be better leaving this years Christmas arrangements to him and have some downtime?

So deeper issues. For now, if you’re not about to LTB and he refuses counselling, I would make the lists and hand it over. I know you shouldn’t have to, but it sounds like he’s clueless, so do it.

Dunno if I read it on here or elsewhere, but someone said they wrote down every single thing they did in one day eg tidy lounge, pick up toys in passing, put washing on, etc then presented it to her dh who was amazed by how much she did as a matter of course, not ‘chores’ as such, just what she did incidentally. Try it, OP!

Let him sort his family's presents out, for a start, and wrap them.

Wrap the kids' presents as you buy them. I used to just leave the stocking fillers to wrap on Christmas Eve. And don't pack for him. Pass as much on to him as you can.

"I just will work solidly all of December and finish on 21st, to then have to sort out going away, to be away and not really relax to come home to then have to wrap ours and the kids presents, sort food, clean etc"

As it is his family you will be visiting for that time, can you not pass that load on to him, in that he buys, wraps and packs all the presents for his family. He prepares and packs everything that he and the children will need for that trip. That he loads the car in advance and gets the children ready for the trip and, finally, that he tidies and prepares your house, just ahead of leaving for the trip, so that it is ready for your return.

In addition to this, prepare a list of everything that has to be done upon your return, familiarise him with the list before you go, and split it with him equally, to be done on Christmas Eve (or in any moments before).

I appreciate that you won't want to do any of the above, WhatSheSaidLastTime, but if you don't take this kind of 'no option' stance, then you are enabling his cop-out.

If he doesn't do the things that are his responsibility, they don't get done. Ever. That is, having handed over 'his share' you don't then keep asking him things like (for example) "did you get the gifts for your family?" "did you pack the children's pyjamas?". Having handed over 'his share', you really do ignore it thereafter.

Thanks for the advice guys. I am going to write a list of what needs doing and present it to him in plenty of time. I am already exhausted from work and November has only just started, it’s going to be a long few weeks and I deserve to relax!

OP, tell him that ‘I don’t want us to be back at square one next week. We need to talk seriously about this stuff. Are you willing?’ And then get him to make a time in your schedules to do it, after the conversation, schedule another time.