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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ex and contact with dd.

49 replies

CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 19:45

I didn’t think I was being but he has a way of making me question myself.

Ex isn’t happy with me right now and as a result he missed contact with dd before we went away (so last time to see her for a week). We’ve been away and no contact from him, I text to say we’d arrived dd was fine etc and I’d face time with her if he wanted, nothing back! Nothing all week, text him when we got home, again nothing. I’m sure this is to punish me, make me feel guilty or whatever he thinks in his head, I don’t really know.

Originally before his strop he was taking dd to a bonfire tonight. I’ve heard nothing from him since before we went away. He phoned me about a hour ago saying he was at my house and where was dd. We’re at my parents, which I told him and said I wasn’t expecting him as he’d not been in touch. I did say he could come here for her or I’d bring her to him it’s about 10/15 minutes drive away. But he just shouted a lot of abuse and basically said not to bother.

I last text him Thursday that we were back from holiday. That dd had missed him and when would he like to see her. Then I left it, because honestly I was pissed of with him and thought why should I keep chasing him up.

But now I’ve had texts from his mates basically saying it’s not on I’ve stopped him having her and even his brothers who are usually really reasonable and I’m feeling pretty crappy and wondering if I really was unreasonable going out with her.

OP posts:
SlackerMum1 · 03/11/2018 19:52

No. In short. If he wants to play around and be a dick about contact then these are the risks he runs. Both parents need to put differences aside and do the right thing for their DC. Him refusing to confirm arrangements because he’s pissed with you is just immature. If, as a result, you make other plans to look after her and enjoy time together rather than sit at home wondering if he’ll show up that’s on him.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/11/2018 19:57

Eh no! Text each and every one of them back

"Not that it's any of your business but I text him on Thursday asking when he would like to see her, I got no reply and since my crystal ball was on the blink I didn't know when he was showing up but as I said it's none of your business"

gottastopeatingchocolate · 03/11/2018 20:09

OP, I can't see that you did anything wrong.

Wouldn't waste time and energy trying to respond to his friends and family. He has clearly misrepresented the situation to them all (and in record time too!!)

Would you feel crappy if you had stayed home just in case he kept to the plan he never confirmed with you, but he didn't and DD didn't get to see her grandparents? I doubt it. So don't feel crappy now that HE didn't communicate.

I do understand the frustration when all his friends and family paint you as the bad guy. I live this too. But I have stopped running myself ragged trying to "fact check" everything with third parties. Let them think what they will. You did nothing wrong.

7yo7yo · 03/11/2018 20:13

I would screen shot all messages send them to them then say
“None of your business but please refer to the above. Don’t text me again or I will go to the police as I feel you are harassing me.”
Then delete and block.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 20:25

Thanks! His friends and brothers are usually really good and see through his bull shit. So I was shocked by the messages and I’m already feeling guilty because dd misses her dickhead daddy, and they made me feel much worse.

They’re probably disappointed because they’d have been seeing her tonight and no doubt he’s just turned up without her and said I wouldn’t let him see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 20:27

I’m not sure about messaging them though. All I want is for us to be amicable for dd, I’m sick of the falling out and people having to take sides. It’s ridiculous! Angry

OP posts:
pyjamaparty1 · 03/11/2018 20:35

I could of written this post myself! Dd is currently not seeing her dad because of how many times he has let her down, he's also dropped his weekends with her down to one night (eow) he told me he was too busy to have her which I was then told he was with a woman he shouldn't of been with, yet somehow that's my fault I'm the bad one and I don't put our dd first 🙄

woolduvet · 03/11/2018 20:39

Because you do like his relatives I would respond.
Nothing accusing, but putting them straight.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 20:53

It’s horrible isn’t it @pyjamaparty1. I know it’s to get at me, but it’s dd he’s hurting and risking damaging his relationship with her. We’re in the process of sorting contact out through court, my solicitor is dealing with it. I’m seriously considering stopping him seeing her until it’s done, which I absolutely hate the thought of doing but I just can’t deal with him anymore I feel anxious just thinking about it and I’m sick of the name calling.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 20:54

I think I’ll message his brother and one of his best friends who I’ve always got on really well with. Then hopefully they’ll set people right.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 03/11/2018 20:54

Trying to be amicable is all very well but this is proof that contact needs to be at agreed, scheduled times - whether that's in person or FaceTime.

Contact is a responsibility not just something he can so when he wants.

Come up with a proposed contact plan. That's what's fair for your DD. If any changes to these plans need to be made there needs to be a minimum amount of notice.

Taking his annoyance with you out on DD is not putting her first and is downright childish.

Doyoumind · 03/11/2018 20:56

Cross post. He's done this to show you aren't being reasonable prior to court. Note down dates and details of all correspondence so you can refute and claims he makes.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/11/2018 20:58

I agree with @woolduvet, because you do get on with them normally, I would message them and tell them.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 20:58

It’s supposed to be @Doyoumind. But he messes about so much, that’s why I’m wanting to take it to court. I’m aware (because he’s told me numerous times, luckily in text and email too) that he has as much right to dd as I do, and he could collect her from nursery when ever he wants and he could not return her to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 21:05

I keep everything @Doyoumind. All texts, emails phone logs to show how often he’s called/FaceTimed, social media posts when ‘he’s too busy working’ to see dd, but amazingly he’s out with his mates.
He’s luckily rather stupid with what information he makes openly available.

OP posts:
pyjamaparty1 · 03/11/2018 21:06

@CandiedPeach no I completely understand you and I'm in the exact same position but like you I'm sick of the abuse I get! He just doesn't understand that one day she won't want to go with him because of how much he has let her down but then again I suppose that would be my fault too!

Doyoumind · 03/11/2018 21:07

Has the application actually gone in for court? If so, you shouldn't be waiting too long for a date.

I'm sure your solicitor has told you this but you need a court order that states she lives with you and has contact with your ex. Try and ensure the court order is as specific as possible. If there are loopholes in it it might not solve all your problems.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 21:16

The solicitor has had to put something into say we can’t/don’t want to do mediation. Obviously a little more eloquently than that! (well I hope so for what I’m paying him)

OP posts:
Salmonpinkcords · 03/11/2018 21:43

Have you contacted his brother/best friend and set the record straight?

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 22:11

Messaged his brother @Salmonpinkcords, not heard back from him.

OP posts:
user1484424013 · 03/11/2018 22:12

Screen shot all your messages as he never replied to his brother and best friend and then add I like roses and Cadbury as in telling the cheeky fucker after there wanka txts they owe you flowers and chocs... just be brazen fuck getting on because you have tried and he is still abusing you have you got to loose... Simply grow some balls and strike back otherwise you will have this forever good luck xxc

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 03/11/2018 22:18

I thought it better to just involve family, so haven’t sent anything to his friend. I text his brother a screen shot of the messages and said he hasn’t even bothered to see, speak to or even ask if dd’s ok for two weeks.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 04/11/2018 08:29

They probably feel stuck in the middle but now you know they're not thinking badly of you.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 04/11/2018 08:36

His brother replied. But was still off with me, he said fair enough he hadn’t known that (the not replying or asking about dd), but that I knew it was his weekend and he thinks it’s unfair I wasn’t there so he could collect dd. Although he admits his brother is being a idiot.

Is it me or do men come out of a split better amongst mutual friends? I’m not sure why or how, but anyone who was both our friends seem to have sided with him. And he was the one who cheated on me!

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 04/11/2018 08:59

Unfortunately his brother and his friends will always take his side.
I would tell him that you didn’t wait at home as he obviously has form for letting DD down.
I would then block and have no contact with these people.
They haven’t really got your or more importantly your daughters interests at heart.