AIBU ex and contact with dd.

[CandiedPeach]

I didn’t think I was being but he has a way of making me question myself.

Ex isn’t happy with me right now and as a result he missed contact with dd before we went away (so last time to see her for a week). We’ve been away and no contact from him, I text to say we’d arrived dd was fine etc and I’d face time with her if he wanted, nothing back! Nothing all week, text him when we got home, again nothing. I’m sure this is to punish me, make me feel guilty or whatever he thinks in his head, I don’t really know.

Originally before his strop he was taking dd to a bonfire tonight. I’ve heard nothing from him since before we went away. He phoned me about a hour ago saying he was at my house and where was dd. We’re at my parents, which I told him and said I wasn’t expecting him as he’d not been in touch. I did say he could come here for her or I’d bring her to him it’s about 10/15 minutes drive away. But he just shouted a lot of abuse and basically said not to bother.

I last text him Thursday that we were back from holiday. That dd had missed him and when would he like to see her. Then I left it, because honestly I was pissed of with him and thought why should I keep chasing him up.

But now I’ve had texts from his mates basically saying it’s not on I’ve stopped him having her and even his brothers who are usually really reasonable and I’m feeling pretty crappy and wondering if I really was unreasonable going out with her.

We could easily have the same ex

Mine has always been difficult, crap at organising anything so often weeks would go by with no contact.

Made even worse now as DS is 15 and wants/needs flexibility. In Ex's eyes it's normal whole weekend contact or nothing at all. In other words he's very good at sulking. Roll on 3 more years then I'm hoping to have very little contact with him again!!

P.s - I would message his brother/friends as I hate people having the wrong impression about me!

I would also addd this is a lesson for you.

They are no longer your friends and family . Don’t assume they are.

I would minimise contact with any of them .

What time will you be here on ..... is the most contact you need to make. And yes screen shot for court

His brother has always been really good in the past and generally sided with me. I think that’s why I was questioning if I was being unresponsive so much.
I expect HIS friends to side with as mine have with me. It’s the mutual ones, there’s some couples where I’ve known her longer than he has him, but they seem to side with my ex. Not officially or saying anything but they see him more and I feel like they aren’t really my friends now. I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself but there’s loads of photos from last night on social media and he and all our friends look happy and having fun and I kinda feel like I’ll have been slated by them all. Silly of me, I know. But I’m very emotional at the moment anyway. Real friends wouldn’t be talking about me, so if they have I don’t want or need them as friends anyway.

Last night, when he was obviously drunk he was texting me some more names (didn’t answer when he tried calling). He said he was taking dd today would be here in the morning. No sign of him yet and I’ve messaged that if he’s coming he needs to tell me a time, nothing back. He’ll be hungover now, so bet he won’t even want her.

Id be tempted to text his brother now, asking if he knows what time the ex is coming, or are you expected to sit in all weekend waiting.

Sounds like the ex is on a bit of a power trip about contact, the sooner you can get it sorted in court the better.

I think the important msg to show brother is the one where you offered to drive DD around there - it would only take 10/15 mins - and ExH said not to bother.

Trust yourself. He’s behaving like an idiot, and the only person to lose out is his dd.
His relationship with dd is up to him. If I were you I would just concentrate on you and dd. If he wants contact, then he can offer a regular agreement in writing. No more fancying about to score points against you. You sound lovely, and he knows he can manipulate you. You’re not with him anymore so don’t allow him to be an arse anymore, especially at the expense of your dd xx

I did text his brother to see if he knew where he was and he hasn’t heard from him. Probably sleeping it off in someone’s bed! His brother is coming for dd at 11 and taking her to his mums and to the park, he’s text his brother that he’s doing this and that he can meet them at the park or their mums.

Just read my previous post and I’ve misspelled and missed words out . So sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I’m so tired, hardly got any sleep last night.

While dds out me and my bf are going to head out for a walk and pub lunch. So just going to put ex out of my mind for now. As best as I can, anyway.

But now I’ve had texts from his mates basically saying it’s not on I’ve stopped him having her and even his brothers who are usually really reasonable

Well you're well shot of him, abusive isn't he, manipulating his mates and family to do his dirty work.

Normally I am of the 'ignore' school of thought, however I think I would be sending a reply text along the lines of :

"" I see ExP is manipulating you into harassing me, which really isn't appropriate. ExP cancelled (date) to see Named Child, and ignored my texts of (list text dates and times). Named Child deserves better than a father who cant be bothered to make arrangements and constantly lets her down. If you have any further comments on parenting techniques, please address them to ExP who seems to need all the help he can get in this area of his life.""

I’m not sure how/if court is going to help. He’s supposed to have every other weekend and one mid week night. But he doesn’t stick to it, usually ends up one night every other weekend and a few hours (if that) one midweek night. My solicitor has warned me court can’t make him come to see dd, just I’ll have to make her available for him. So much like I do now. I want the papers to state she lives with me so he can’t keep her and I’ve more rights to take her way without his permission.

We’re going to go with one weekend night eow and no mid weeks, because that’s pretty much what he’s been having/doing despite having more if he wants it. I will be happy with eow and one midweek though, but I want a set midweek night and set times, so if he’s not here by 6pm Friday I can assume he’s not coming that weekend (unless of courses we’ve arranged otherwise) same with his week night. At the moment he just turns up when he wants and I get hassle if he can’t take her. Don’t know if I’ll get what I want though! My solicitor says I’ve to show willing to be flexible to some degree and we need to show he uses contact to control and manipulate me.

Which shouldn’t be difficult because I’ve loads of emails/texts which show that. But he’s very good at saying the right things. Where as I feel I come across a little cool and unfeeling. I’m not, but I think I come across like that if people don’t know me well.

You're doing the right thing saving the communications @CandiedPeach. Make sure you highlight relevant bits like "You hadn't confirmed you were coming, you can pick her up from here." Plus him saying not to bother and then a message from his friends. That shows clear flexibility on your part and him behaving badly regardless. Your solicitor can walk through every message to question him about his behaviour on that night and then the judge will hear exactly how he is behaving.

Last night was a phone call! Which I’m annoyed with myself about because I don’t usually answer and then he’ll text. But it caught me off guests. I’ve got messages that say ‘when are you seeing her’ and no reply and after the call I text ‘seen as you never replied, I thought you were still sulking and wouldn’t be coming. I’ll happily bring her to where you are if you want’ no reply.

But this is one of many days/nights where he messes around. But just from the messages this one doesn’t look particularly bad on his part.

You are completely in the right here and he is being a dick.

Having said that, I always tell people at work that sometimes we have to adapt yo make sure messages get through. It's not fair, but it does make things easier. In a situation like you described, in future, I would specifically send a message saying, "are you still collecting her for onfire night. Please confirm what time. I will be at my parents from 6pm so if it's after that you should collect her there."

It's not FAIR, but ensures there is no.ambiguity for him to use against you.

That’s what I usually do @BlingLoving. But honestly I was angry with him. He’d messed around the day before we went away so if had to get me mum to collect dd from nursery for me, she was upset beysgecwas expecting daddy. Then nothing all week, no how is she or anything, she wanted to see him and asked to call him and I messaged him that and nothing back. So I thought ‘fuck him’ if he wants to see her he should make the effort. But now I know that makes me look bad too, which is probably what he wants. He’ll have been wanting to drink so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was happy dd wasn’t home, gave him a good excuse to turn up without her.

Dds uncle has collected her though and she was happy to see him. He tried offering some excuse for ex’s behaviour and I just said, I don’t want to hear it, she’s his daughter he needs to grow up and put everything else aside. I’m sick of facilitating everything so he’ll have a relationship with his own child, if he can’t be bothered I’m not going to waste my time either. I’m willing to support a relationship with his mum and dd, separate from ex. So there’s no reason his stupidity should effect their relationship with her, unless they let it.

beysgecwas
That was supposed to say ‘because she was’ 😂
I obviously shouldn’t type tired or angry and especially not both!

Hi OP,
I totally understand that you want a clear court order that your child lives with you and you will make her available for contact at set times. I would recommend that the court order explicitly states that the child must be returned to you at the times given in the order. This will prevent him from refusing to return the child at the end of contact time.
I mention it as I had to have the line added to my order after a traumatic court hearing to have my child returned to me.

It is true that you can't enforce the order by making him collect at the times the order state, but if he regularly breaches the order, then you can, in time, apply for a variation on the order to cut the time back, if you wanted to.

That’s what I want @gottastopeatingchocolate very specific pick up and drop off times and that dd lives with me. I’m willing to be flexible but I want notice. My solicitor is very good and experienced in this kind of stuff and dealing with emotionally abusive partners/ex’s. I find it difficult to think it’s that because he wasn’t at all when we were together, but the solicitor said that he is being now, he does and says things to be put me down and question myself. Silly things like saying I forgot to pack dds hat but I know I did and it’s not at home, then it will turn up in dds bag a few weeks later.

Dds home and had a lovely time, but her dad never showed up. Which I’m disappointed in for her, because she loves and misses him, but glad that his family have seen what he’s like!

I’m struggling to rise above it though! I know there’s stuff on Facebook about me not letting her go. I just can’t believe people can’t see what he’s doing. How do they have everyone fooled?

Her dad can't complain about you stopping her seeing her now. His family have seen for themselves that he can't be bothered.

I’m sure he’ll find a way to blame me @HSMMaCM.

I’m really not sure if I’m best trying to carry on with contact like we’ve been doing. Or stop it all together until we’ve been to court. I’ll phone my solicitor tomorrow and see what he says.

Why don't you negotiate with nice BIL or MIL and say that dd is available to come to them for his weekends if ex hasn't already agreed plans by Friday night as she really enjoyed spending time with them today. That way they can deal with his inconsistency and see just how much he is messing you around.

His mum will help and does when she can. But she she works shifts and often weekends. I tend to meet up with her once a week with dd so she does always see her. Even when ex is being a idiot.

His brothers only young and busy with his own stuff. I don’t really want him being a go between for us, it’s not fair on him.