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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU not to tell DH I'm expecting?

54 replies

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:25

Back story is that I fell pregnant in Aug, it was unplanned and just as I was getting my head around the news, I miscarried. We were both upset but understood that it just wasn't to be.

During the two weeks between finding out & losing the pregnancy, my DH told his pal that we were expecting a baby. This is after I specifically asked him to keep it between us (& he agreed), he also told a family member very (too) early on in my previous preg so has form.

When I confronted him about telling his friend, he replied 'well, don't tell me things then'.. It took a couple of weeks & alot of talking before he apologised. Incidentally, the friend, who he doesn't often see, has not been told the pregnancy was lost and so thinks I'm around 4mnts or so now..

I had a thread at the time about all this most were in general agreement that he was BU.

This morning, I've had a faint positive! losing the last pregnancy made me realise how much I would love another, which was always on the cards but perhaps just not so soon.

WIBU to keep this to myself until I'm closer to 12wks? Then he can tell all he likes. I'm not trying to be horrible but he has proven he has no regards for my feelings (having let me down on two previous pregnancies) and no self control. On the other hand.. Its his baby too. So WIBU to tell him when it's safe to tell everyone else and after I've had a scan??

OP posts:

DonaldDucksTowel · 03/11/2018 10:29

You would be VVVVVVVVVU to not allow him to come to his babies first scan

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/11/2018 10:31

Is your first scan at 12 weeks?

You need to tell him before that; I think, but if you want to get your head around it and avoid him telling anyone for a little while, I think that's okay (especially as he told you not to tell him things...)

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:32

An early scan at 8wks.. Really? He's pretty much it come to the anomaly scans on the others anyway.. A private early scan on the youngest but all other appointments I went to alone. Including all the miscarriage ones.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 03/11/2018 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:32

**only

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 03/11/2018 10:32

You would be very very unreasonable. Remind him of your feelings with your loss last time and reiterate how important it is to you to keep it between you both this time.

chillpizza · 03/11/2018 10:33

Tell him once you’ve got the date for your scan.

Faster · 03/11/2018 10:33

If he has, in your words, no regards for your feelings, then why on earth were you trying to get pregnant by him?

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:33

Bit late maybe! Definitely no other issues. Just that he's got an enormous mouth.

OP posts:

multiplemum3 · 03/11/2018 10:34

That's ridiculous, why try to have a baby with someone and then not tell them you're pregnant?

C0untDucku1a · 03/11/2018 10:35

You have husband marriage problem way beyond this issue.

I went to all my mw apps myself and also most scans so that isnt an issue in itself.

DonaldDucksTowel · 03/11/2018 10:35

So he's untrustworthy (lying and telling people your secrets) unreasonable (taking weeks to admit fault and apologise) and unsupportive (not coming to scans and letting you miscarry alone) and this is the man you really want to be the father of your children??
You have bigger problems than him telling friends you're pregnant

Thesearmsofmine · 03/11/2018 10:36

It sounds like you have big issues in your relationship tbh

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:36

Faster, he didn't have regard for my feelings around keeping our news to ourselves, there's no disputing that. He got excited & after a few beers spilled his guts. He utterly did the opposite of what we agreed. Generally he's a great guy, very kind, understanding etc, but just seems to have a problem with keeping news to himself.

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 03/11/2018 10:38

When I confronted him about telling his friend, he replied 'well, don't tell me things then'.. It took a couple of weeks & alot of talking before he apologised.

Doesn’t sound like a kind understanding guy.

Maybe83 · 03/11/2018 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caprisunorange · 03/11/2018 10:38

You would be completely unreasonable! The telling people thing is difficult. He’s an adult and you can’t really stop him telling people if he chooses. The problem is he doesn’t respect your feelings on the matter, but tbh, my DH has always decided himself when he wants to tell his family too.

How about waiting and paying for an early scan at 6/7 weeks then telling him? If a heartbeat is detected then your chances are very good

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:39

Whoa Donald!! Never said he lied or was untrustworthy. He offered to come to every appointment & I declined, what with him working & with it going on for two weeks & having to attend every two days (hcg tracking blood appointments) and the fact I work beside the hospital, so just popped in & then back to work. I certainly don't feel like I 'miscarried alone'.

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MsHopey · 03/11/2018 10:39

I couldn't not tell my husband.
It really is his news as much as yours.
DH wanted to tell people right away, I wanted to wait. We compromised and told our mom's and one sibling each just for general excitement and support. We're now 14 and a half weeks in and we haven't told anyone else.
I know us women are carrying the baby but I think men do get excited and it really is their news aswell.

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:41

I'm just trying to turn it over in my mind, good to know that most feel that I wbu to not tell him. I will do. Thanks for the replies.

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pinkstripeycat · 03/11/2018 10:47

The same thing happened to me OP. DS told people despite me saying not to until after 12 week scan. MIL told EVERYONE. After I miscarried I had weeks and weeks of people saying sorry (and me getting upset all over again) and even people patting my tummy asking if I was getting fat. I miscarried a further 6 times over 5 years and just told DM and DSis (who were my support) DH knew but got bored with it all (not sure he even listened when I told him) After several rounds of artificial insemination (I had Hughes syndrome) I managed to stay pregnant and ONLY told DM until my 12 week scan when I eventually told DH (as I paid for private treatment there were a few more scans between conception and 12 weeks that I attended alone). We didn’t tell MIL until 16 weeks when she told the whole world before we had a chance to.

Nearlyadad · 03/11/2018 10:48

Congratulations!

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:48

Update: just told him - he's delighted & has suggested we don't get ahead of ourselves & keep it just between u for now 🤔

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Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:51

Hi Pink.. That sounds very tough - so happy to hear that you got a happy ending.

Same happened on my youngest (i have two dc) he told a family member, who told another, who told another & so on. I was about 5 wks.. Just crazy. I get that he was excited but it's twice he's done it now.

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Original poster

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:51

Thanks Nearly! Fingers crossed it works out.

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