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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU not to tell DH I'm expecting?

54 replies

Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:25

Back story is that I fell pregnant in Aug, it was unplanned and just as I was getting my head around the news, I miscarried. We were both upset but understood that it just wasn't to be.

During the two weeks between finding out & losing the pregnancy, my DH told his pal that we were expecting a baby. This is after I specifically asked him to keep it between us (& he agreed), he also told a family member very (too) early on in my previous preg so has form.

When I confronted him about telling his friend, he replied 'well, don't tell me things then'.. It took a couple of weeks & alot of talking before he apologised. Incidentally, the friend, who he doesn't often see, has not been told the pregnancy was lost and so thinks I'm around 4mnts or so now..

I had a thread at the time about all this most were in general agreement that he was BU.

This morning, I've had a faint positive! Smile losing the last pregnancy made me realise how much I would love another, which was always on the cards but perhaps just not so soon.

WIBU to keep this to myself until I'm closer to 12wks? Then he can tell all he likes. I'm not trying to be horrible but he has proven he has no regards for my feelings (having let me down on two previous pregnancies) and no self control. On the other hand.. Its his baby too. So WIBU to tell him when it's safe to tell everyone else and after I've had a scan??

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 03/11/2018 10:52

What kind of marriage is this? Where you Keep it secret from the man your married to and suppose to love about the baby? Not the kind of marriage I would want to be in.

As your pregnant again I assume you’ve actively been ttc rather than another accident? So strange to keep it from him

Pregnancy has NO safe point so it doesn’t really matter when you tell friends etc, and it’s his news as much as yours

Original poster
Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 10:57

Thanks pink heart, I've told him now. He's thrilled and yes, we were ttc.
I wasnt definate on keeping it from him, that's why I posted, feedback received and hes been told. Thanks for the reply!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/11/2018 10:58

Congratulations, and it does sound as if your DH understands about not getting carried away this time. 

Lizzie48 · 03/11/2018 11:00

I also wanted to wish you all the best for this pregnancy. Flowers

DistanceCall · 03/11/2018 11:00

It's his child too. He has a right to know.

DistanceCall · 03/11/2018 11:01

Oh, cross-posted. Glad it's gone well!

Tinty · 03/11/2018 11:05

Update: just told him - he's delighted & has suggested we don't get ahead of ourselves & keep it just between us for now. Grin

Just tell him if he tells anyone before you both decide to tell people. Then he has to pay a forfeit, he has to do all the housework in the home for two weeks . (admittedly this won't work if he is a house husband and does all the work.) Grin🤔

Original poster
Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 11:14

Oooh Tinty.. I like your style!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sassypants82 · 03/11/2018 11:14

Thanks Distance, Lizzy ❤️

OP posts:
TheChickenOfTruth · 03/11/2018 11:20

My husband can't keep his mouth shut either. We agreed not to tell anyone else, then he got overly excited at work and told all of his friends, who told their wives, etc etc. I had the same thoughts myself about not telling him next time, but ultimately that would be putting my own feelings before his and being selfish myself. Ultimately I decided it's his news as much as mine, so I explained to him that if anything happened to the baby he would be responsible for making sure everyone who had found out from him was informed so that no one would make it more awkward for me. He has to deal with the fallout of his actions, not me.

MrsStrowman · 03/11/2018 11:21

It seems he's learned why you don't tell people early, DH wanted to tell people straight away but did respect my choice not to until after twelve week scan, we had an early private scan at just under ten weeks but only told our parents at that stage and told them I was higher risk of miscarriage and that's why we wouldn't tell anyone else until after twelve weeks. When we were at the private clinic there was another couple there in tears andi think that brought it home for DH that I wasn't being panicky these things do happen. Maybe it took the last experience for your DH to realise the same. Congratulations to both of you!

loopylass13 · 03/11/2018 11:42

I would think my body my news - so if I wanted to keep partner out of the loop whilst I got my head around the idea and ensured pregnancy was viable then to me that would be perfectly reasonable.

I would hate the whole world to know without my permission. Pregnancy/births/dealing with a new born are so out of controlled experiences - I know I needed to have a self of power, deciding when to tell who to tell with all of the above etc. I was happy to be pregnant but until I was 5 months along I knew I had option of abortion and until the birth I knew I had option of adoption - I kept my baby but having this idea of an escape helped me feel a sense of power in what I perceived as a powerless kind of time.

You are allowed to feel how you feel to get through it.

Fresta · 03/11/2018 11:49

I honestly cannot imagine even doing a Pregnancy test without DH being there to share the results!

I can't get my head around what sort of marriage you have where you could keep this to yourself for 12 weeks.

YABU!

Tigger001 · 03/11/2018 11:55

I think you should tell him and tell him there can be no mistakes like last time when he got too excited. Explain again about the miscarriages and how devastating it is to have to explain to people, if God for bid something were to go wrong. It is hard to keep such exciting news to yourself, but he must use all his will power.

It would be horrible to go to a scan without his knowledge. Maybe take a couple of weeks and then tell him, so he has a shorter period to hold his excitement in lol but no , I definitely think it would be wrong to tell him for a long period of time.

People on here were always going to jump on your husband (so to speak) for something and being "a wrongun " for the whole situation. If you came in here saying he wasn't excited, people would be saying " get rid of him if he's not excited about the new baby" so I would just take notice of the people trying to give the constructive advice about your post.

Good luck in the pregnancy going forward 💐

MacosieAsunter · 03/11/2018 12:21

If you're keeping secrets like this, you don't have a marriage. Trust is the key to a successful relationship, honesty, openness and communication

MirandaGoshawk · 03/11/2018 12:26

I agree that going to scans alone is not a big deal in itself, if necessary. I also think that, even though he has said he won't blab, that you need to sit him down sometime soon and explain why it isn't a good idea to spread the news. I have personal experience of something similar, and the person in question was made to see sense and was basically re-trained to think before opening their mouth. This has been 99% successful.

As for the friend who thinks you're still pg from last time - stuff them. Don't update them. If they ask questions they can be told that sadly, that pg ended. Full stop. Not their business.

Devillanelle · 03/11/2018 12:27

Well I mean I've had miscarriages and my DH has told his good friend that I've been pregnant and so on but I haven't minded really - I respect that he might like someone to talk to about it other than me, just as if I had told one of my friends I wouldn't expect him to kick up a fuss - that would be really controlling.

You wouldn't be unreasonable IMO to wait a couple of weeks before telling him if the aim is that you don't want to deal with him having his hopes dashed again, although who is there to care about you if you have another miscarriage? I don't really like that plan at all tbh.

BlueJava · 03/11/2018 12:45

I'm not with popular opinion. Don't tell him until you are ready. He didn't keep his mouth shut last time, you've learnt from it, he said don't tell me if you want it a secret .... just tell him later when you are ready.

GunpowderGelatine · 03/11/2018 12:46

I highly doubt he meant "don't tell me these things" - he probably said it as a flippant comment after being berated, mixed with upset over you losing a baby. Of course you should tell him!!

GunpowderGelatine · 03/11/2018 12:47

Ignore me, I see you told him - congratulations 😁

username1724 · 03/11/2018 12:49

If I were you I'd keep it to myself until just before first scan. That way you know your secret is safe and he doesn't miss out on any scans. Yanbu I would struggle with that too especially after previous loss.

Gemini69 · 03/11/2018 12:54

I'm going to go against the grain here and say NO I wouldn't tell him.. he has already proven he will not keep it to himself and if your okay with that then tell him.. if not then do not tell him yet... until you are sure everything is okay... you've been through enough without juggling who knows what and when.... Flowers

Gemini69 · 03/11/2018 12:55

aahh you told him.. lol Congratulations... again Flowers

BrokenWing · 03/11/2018 13:00

After reading i think you did the right thing telling him it is his baby too. Ideally he won't spill, but if he does it really isn't the end of the world, try to see it as him being so excited he just struggled to keep it to himself in the moment rather than being intentionally inconsiderate. Not telling him until 12 weeks would have been wrong.

mumisalliam · 03/11/2018 13:05

People are still posting slating the op's marriage...

She's told him
Read the updates ffs 😭

Congratulations x

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