New relationship red flags AIBU to end?

[PuddinginPerth]

I’ve been seeing a guy for two months.

Things were going swimmingly until I noticed him wearing a bracelet which I found quite unusual (jewellery on men bothers me).

Initially he said he didn’t know who gave him the bracelet as it was so long ago he couldn’t remember.

Not satisfied (and a day later) I pushed and found out it was his ex wife who gave it to him.

I asked how long he has been divorced and it turns out, they aren’t divorced. They separated in July/August last year and they haven’t even filed any paperwork. Turns out their financial paperwork hasn’t even been filed yet either. Basically this guy is still married. I’VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN.

In a nutshell, he lied. I asked him at the beginning what his relationship status was and he told me he was divorced and under the terms of the settlement he got the investment property.

The “investment property” was the first property they bought together and lived in as a couple.

His wife is currently living in the nicer of the two properties.

He’s been paying two mortgages and fixing the pool at his wife’s house and I have not received one bunch of flowers the entire time we have been together.

We usually go turns on paying the costs of dates. So I usually suggest we go to cheap places and offer to pay; half the time he lets me.

Finding out he is paying the living expenses for his wife while we go “dutch” on dates makes me feel rather worthless. That he doesn’t want to make any investment. We haven’t been to one nice place.

I earn less than half his salary and have significant medical expenses. I know those are my own responsibilities and I am hoping it is only temporary. My surgery costs have wiped out my savings and I’ve had to go part-time with work.

Finding this out today makes me want to walk away. I don’t see a future with someone who doesn’t value me and who lies.

I also think he only wants to be with me as a distraction from his separation and because he works away and has significant downtime when he is back in the city.

I’m 37 and want a family, I feel he says all the right things (that he loves me and wants to be with me) just so he can drag me along.

If he valued me he would have told me the truth from the beginning, knowing that I would find out eventually.

He said early on he wants a family and lately he said he “hasn’t thought about it”.

Should I leave now?

I'm surprised you have to ask!

Yes

Immediate dumping

You know what you have got to do!

After only 2 months surely you barely need a reason?

Hi X, I'm going to have to call an end to our dates as I need to be with someone who is unmarried and have no wish to get caught up in your eventual divorce, whenever that may occur. I wish you the very best of luck with it. Xx"

Yes dump him. He has lied and that isn't great but you sound like a gold digger. It's been 2 months, how many bunches of flowers do you want in that time? Splitting costs in a new relationship that might not go anywhere is fine and normal.

YANBU for dumping him for lying, agree this would be sensible.

Sounds complicated and sketchy

You're on different pages

Yes dump him for lying.

I don’t understand what is wrong with going Dutch though and you said it was you suggesting cheap places.

Of course you need to end this. It barely even counts as "leaving" as you aren't even quite "together". The relationship is going nowhere. There's an even chance his marriage may not even be over. Even if it is, it'll take years.

He is simply not worth it.

Jewellery on men bothers you? Whatever for?

Definitely ditch him, obv, but am intrigued by the above...

He says he loves you? You've been dating 2 months.

You have to ask? Off he goes.

There's no need to ask, you've only been together for 2 months. Just end it.

I also think he only wants to be with me as a distraction from his separation and because he works away and has significant downtime when he is back in the city.

Are you sure they are even separated?

It all sounds rather intense and anxious from both sides. He is paying (rightly so) the mortgage with his ex but you are upset because after a whole 2 months he should be investing in you? And after this very short duration he's in love with you and only wants to be with you whilst still being married.

Move on OP.

Dump him. Tell him that you're worth more, so much more.

Yes, dump him - lying is obviously second nature to him. However, you sound a bit of a CF yourself... in a short-term relationship like this, his finances between him and his wife are none of your business, and its normal to pay your own way on dates. Neither of you sound like a great catch.

Works away as in goes home to his family

This man is playing you for a fool. I always say to any woman who has doubts on whether to stay or go, if the situation was reversed, do you think the man would be hanging around - that would be a big fat no.
You deserve so much better. Dump the loser.

I don’t see a future with someone who doesn’t value me and who lies.

So there's your answer.

Erm....paying for property he owns is just good sense. Stops the mortgages going into arrears and having a negative impact on credit ratings and then making it difficult to move on financially. Assuming his wife earns less he is also making sure she has a roof over her head.

He lied, of course, which is wrong. But seriously, how much money do you think he should have showered upon you in 2 months? Gold-digging at its most entitled, surely?

Dump him two months is early days. There is nothing wrong for going 50/50 on dates though.

Oh dear, just the one bunch of flowers in two months? Absolutely get shot.

You've been seeing him for 2 months and are complaining about paying for your own meals? You've also clocked how much property has and how much earns. You do sound a bit of a gold digger I'm afraid.

Aside drom that, he lied about being divorced so that would be an immediate dumping from me.

And as pp said, he needs to continue paying the mortgage so they don't default. It sounds like you want him to chuck his wife out of the 'nicer' house!