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New relationship red flags AIBU to end?

42 replies

PuddinginPerth · 03/11/2018 08:14

I’ve been seeing a guy for two months.

Things were going swimmingly until I noticed him wearing a bracelet which I found quite unusual (jewellery on men bothers me).

Initially he said he didn’t know who gave him the bracelet as it was so long ago he couldn’t remember.

Not satisfied (and a day later) I pushed and found out it was his ex wife who gave it to him.

I asked how long he has been divorced and it turns out, they aren’t divorced. They separated in July/August last year and they haven’t even filed any paperwork. Turns out their financial paperwork hasn’t even been filed yet either. Basically this guy is still married. I’VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN.

In a nutshell, he lied. I asked him at the beginning what his relationship status was and he told me he was divorced and under the terms of the settlement he got the investment property.

The “investment property” was the first property they bought together and lived in as a couple.

His wife is currently living in the nicer of the two properties.

He’s been paying two mortgages and fixing the pool at his wife’s house and I have not received one bunch of flowers the entire time we have been together.

We usually go turns on paying the costs of dates. So I usually suggest we go to cheap places and offer to pay; half the time he lets me.

Finding out he is paying the living expenses for his wife while we go “dutch” on dates makes me feel rather worthless. That he doesn’t want to make any investment. We haven’t been to one nice place.

I earn less than half his salary and have significant medical expenses. I know those are my own responsibilities and I am hoping it is only temporary. My surgery costs have wiped out my savings and I’ve had to go part-time with work.

Finding this out today makes me want to walk away. I don’t see a future with someone who doesn’t value me and who lies.

I also think he only wants to be with me as a distraction from his separation and because he works away and has significant downtime when he is back in the city.

I’m 37 and want a family, I feel he says all the right things (that he loves me and wants to be with me) just so he can drag me along.

If he valued me he would have told me the truth from the beginning, knowing that I would find out eventually.

He said early on he wants a family and lately he said he “hasn’t thought about it”.

Should I leave now?

OP posts:

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/11/2018 09:51

Definitely dump him for the lying but honestly you don't come for great yourself, bit of a cheeky grabby fucker I think.


MarthasGinYard · 03/11/2018 09:53

'Erm....paying for property he owns is just good sense.'



ChristmasFluff · 03/11/2018 10:15

I'd not be interested in a liar who was still married. The rest of it isn't really relevant, but it sort of demonstrates that you are overthinking this relationship - you are only 8 weeks in.


toriatoriatoria · 03/11/2018 10:24

As others have said... Lying about being divorced would be a deal breaker for me. However I would expect to pay my way on dates, you do sounds a bit grabby.


MsHopey · 03/11/2018 10:25

I also read "he's loves me" after 8 weeks into a relationship seems a bit weird. But each to their own.
Also seems weird that you know how many properties he owns, which one is nicer, what his income is and how much he pays for ex wife. All weird things to discuss on a few dates.
Maybe he's not a flower person, my DH isn't.
And you are upset that when you offered to pay he accepted half the time? You was happy to accept him paying the other times you went out. That makes it 50/50 which is fine 8 weeks into a relationship.


ButchyRestingFace · 03/11/2018 11:48

Finding this out today makes me want to walk away. I don’t see a future with someone who doesn’t value me and who lies.

You don't really come off well here, OP. It reads like you ascribe feeling "valued" to someone buying you stuff. This is a very new relationship and it seems like you expect to be wined and dined. Perhaps he senses that and has been very circumspect in what he tell you?

In any case, you would not be at all unreasonable for dumping him over lying to you about being married.


Lizzie48 · 03/11/2018 11:56

I suspect the OP won't come back, as she's realised how badly she's come across in her posts.

I had a brief relationship where the man I was seeing kept wanting to pay for everything and it completely freaked me out as it was too much too soon. It made me feel like he saw me as already committed to him, whereas I wasn't really all that into him.


PuddinginPerth · 03/11/2018 14:52

@Oysterbabe - please read my post again.

I’ve paid for the last two times we’ve been to a restaurant - 100% of the bill on both times. That isn’t equal.

My sister said that that amount of money would mean nothing to him which is why he didn’t say thank you.

He knows I work part-time and have medical expenses.

That’s what makes it hurtful. If it was with a friend who paid the last time he went out, I’m sure he would volunteer to pick up the tab.

OP posts:

PuddinginPerth · 03/11/2018 14:54

@Lizzie48 I don’t think I’ve cone across bad in my posts at all.

I only posted this this evening and I’ve been out all night since - I just got home.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 03/11/2018 15:03

Okay, point taken, but I'm hardly the only one saying you come across as grabby, so I don't know why my post is the one you've picked up on.

After 2 months it's surprising you're actually commenting on his financial affairs, it isn't really your business yet, is it?

But anyway, we're all agreeing that him lying about his marital status is understandably a deal breaker for you, so none of this matters now, does it?


TurkeyBear · 03/11/2018 15:03

"significant medical expenses" Hmm does the NHS not cover them OP?


TurkeyBear · 03/11/2018 15:05

And you do indeed sound grabby. Don't offer places for dinner you can't afford and stop thinking you can trade up in life off the back of someone else, or assume he should offer to pay beause of your 'medical expenses'.

Sort your own shit out then come back to the relationship table.


funkylittleboatrace · 03/11/2018 15:19

What @TurkeyBear said


Jennywren2978 · 03/11/2018 15:46

Are you sure this guy is even separated from his wife. Sounds to me like you're the bit on the side. I'd definitely end it. If he's serious about you he can find you when he's sorted his shit out. Though at the same time don't wait for him. If you're taken when he's ready to date then that's his tough luck.
I would not date someone who was already in a relationship (even if they say they're going to leave) or someone who hasn't finalised the divorce.


Havaina · 03/11/2018 15:59

First you say:

We usually go turns on paying the costs of dates. So I usually suggest we go to cheap places and offer to pay; half the time he lets me.

Then you say:

I’ve paid for the last two times we’ve been to a restaurant - 100% of the bill on both times. That isn’t equal

So who paid for the times before? You say half the time he lets you, so if you're paying half the time and he's paying for half of the other times, then that seems fair.

You do come across quite badly and as a bit of a wannabe princess.


undomesticgodde55 · 03/11/2018 15:59

Hold on, you want to dump him because he broke up with his wife a year before he got with you? If they ended on good terms, no unreasonable behaviour, no cheating etc. You can't file for divorce until you have been separated for 2 years? And he is paying for a mortgage?

Way I see it if the above is the case and they have just parted ways naturally, no children involved, he's probably not a bad person just was with the wrong person. No offence, but at 37 most guys are going to have baggage like many women do at 37.


JagerPlease · 03/11/2018 16:04

The only issue for me in all that is that he lied and said he was divorced.

The fact he isn't actually divorced isn't an issue, as unless there is adultery or unreasonable behaviour grounds, there is a 2 year wait before you can file for divorce. And the fact he still pays towards the properties makes sense if he co-owns them.

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