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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's boyfriend left her...confused

36 replies

Peegreenlie12 · 02/11/2018 18:32

I'm posting here for traffic.

A week ago my best friend's (28) boyfriend (26)of 7 years (they've lived together for 3), literally after getting dressed for the day, sat on the edge of their bed and said 'I can't do this anymore'. He gave reasons for wanting to leave, his work, money, home sick (his family live 100 miles away,he is in regular contact and visits every 8 weeks).

She was very upset and kept suggesting ways of making things work, even them both moving over there, ect and he still objected. She has to take her mum to a medical appointment and while she way away, he packed his stuff and left, without saying goodbye or even trying to sort things out. There was no arguments nothing to suggest he was unhappy.

He's been gone a week saying he loves her and cares for her, and there might be a possibility of him coming back and today he says he is not going to come back.

What is going on? it came out of the blue, he's given up his zero hour job, moved back into his parents, he's said he would selfish if he returned ect

He still keeps saying he loves and cares for her, but she is utterly heartbroken, thought they were going to get married and have children as he said to her she was the one. But if he loves and cares for her, then why leave, why hurt her and if you love someone you don't move 100 miles away from them, to deliberately be away from them and then refuse to come back.

Could there be another woman involved? He swears there is no one else and he would never do that.

But what reason could he have to leave and then stay away from someone he loves?

OP posts:

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 02/11/2018 18:34

He might love and care for her but he clearly doesn't want a relationship with her. Best thing would be to keep contact to a minimum and try to get over him and move on.

Neolara · 02/11/2018 18:37

It's sad but people fall out of love and move on all the time. They got together pretty young and people can change a lot in their 20s. Couples can just grow apart and want different things without anyone else being involved.

It's MUCH better that they break up now before marriage and kids.

He probably does still live her in some ways, just not in the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" way.

Isleepinahedgefund · 02/11/2018 18:37

Who knows? People do things for the strangest reasons. Maybe he isn’t well. Maybe there is someone else. Maybe he’s telling the truth.

From what you’ve said it sounds like it’s all become too much for him. Has he mentioned any of the factors he gave as reasons before now?

I’d say his action is pretty decisive and she needs to respect his decision (she doesn’t have to like it though!). She might never know why he’s done this really. Better for him to have done it now than when there are children caught in the mix.

For some reason, seven years seems to be a pivotal time in a relationship. I know quite a few people who got a seven year itch and split up. I’m sure if you google it there’s some science behind it, to do with the stages of relationships.

Petalflowers · 02/11/2018 18:38

Sorry, no-one can really know what the reason for him leaving was apart from him.

Maybe he felt trapped after being together from a young age. Maybe he felt his life was going nowhere, especially if he has a zero hours contract at the age of 26. MAybe there’s pressure from the family.

No one really,knows,what goes,on in a relationship, apart from the people concerned.

stopeatingthatpls · 02/11/2018 18:39

Just give him some space, if you’ve been together since he was 19 he might just be wanting time to work out what he actually wants hence the mixed signals.

Bombardier25966 · 02/11/2018 18:39

What does your "friend" think has happened? Is she happy for you to post here?

LeggyLinda · 02/11/2018 18:43

He may love and care for her - doesn’t sound like there is anything to suggest he’s lying.

But obviously there are other issues. On face value it seems that the practicalities of being in s relationship with your friend is too much. Yes she’s offered to change and move, but who on Earth wants to submit someone they love to that? Especially when you have first hand experience on how unhappy it can make you.

daisypond · 02/11/2018 18:45

I actually think he's been quite clear. He seems to have been honest and kind. He's not messing her around or trying to pull her strings. He doesn't want a long-term relationship with her, although he will still care about and for her, I suspect, for a while - that's to be expected with a decent man. But the relationship is not the right fit for him any more.

CottonTailRabbit · 02/11/2018 18:49

How would you have wanted him to break up with her? Would a big fight have been better? Him huffing and slamming doors for weeks beforehand to make it clear that he's unhappy?

Love isn't a negotiation or transactional. He can't say, do this thing and I will fall in love with you again. Poor man realised he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her and ended it quickly and cleanly.

chrisinthesun · 02/11/2018 19:00

@peagreenlie12

Is this 'friend' you?

thecatsthecats · 02/11/2018 19:02

Yep.

Sorry, but you can't 'fix' this, either by finding some extra secret reason for his leaving, or by coming up with a solution that gets them back together.

Yes, people can fall out of love, but still care for someone. Yes, it will suck for her. But it will suck a whole lot less than dragging it out or marrying the wrong man.

Branleuse · 02/11/2018 19:02

Its just the way it goes sometimes

KC225 · 02/11/2018 19:05

There is a big difference between the age of 19 and 26. It seems as if the person he has become is not the person he was - this doesn't mean he doesn't care or love her but it does mean he is not happy and doesn't see his life with her.

It's heartbreaking especially when there seems no reason - to her. Its a shame he didn't verbalise that he was unhappy, but in time she will remember that he was homesick and frustrated about the lack of money and being stuck in a zero hours work.

He has ended this relationship now. He is not coming back, support her. As heartbroken as she is now. Imagine how worse this would have been ten years down the line with two kids and mortgage.

Starlight345 · 02/11/2018 19:07

I suggest as a friend I would support her now minimising contact . There may be stuff to work out but he doesn’t really want her for whatever reason.

IStandWithPosie · 02/11/2018 19:07

Poor woman. That’ll be a real blow.

As hard it is to see, he’s done the right thing if he isn’t happy. Regardless of why he isn’t happy, he is right to end it instead of dragging it when he knows his heart isn’t in it.

Sorry for your friend. At least there are no children involved.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/11/2018 19:08

She needs to cut of all contact with him. Him telling her that he still love and cares is only prolonging her hope of reconcilliation.

Sparklesocks · 02/11/2018 19:09

Years ago I was drifting away from my ex for months. I think I knew deep down my heart wasn’t in it anymore the whole time, but I lied to myself as i didn’t want to break his heart and possibly rock the boat of starting over.

One evening we were in a pub having a pint and he was telling a story, and I was looking at him and I had a pin drop moment - I wasn’t in love with him anymore. He didn’t do or say anything wrong, it just hit me out of nowhere. I couldn’t even hear what he was saying after that.

I broke up with him the next day and it was hard but I didn’t think it was fair to pretend I was happy on either of us, he deserved to be with someone who truly loved and appreciated him.

So yes, it’s not nice but I do believe sometimes it is out the blue like that - it was that way for me.

RedHelenB · 02/11/2018 19:09

I would say affair . Similar to when my ex left and I really had no reason to suspect him.

Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 19:10

Who knows? He might have someone else. Or he may just not begin love with her, though he cares about her.

He has made it clear he doesn't want to be with her. In the long it doesn't rely matter why.

AlpacaLypse · 02/11/2018 19:11

I have nothing but affection and fondness for both the people I was engaged to - the one from age 17 and the one I nearly married when I was 28. I realised before it was too late that they were lovely people - but not absolutely the One. Your friend's BF sounds like he's realised this. In some ways it's easier to deal with a split if there is something to be genuinely angry about with the person who instigates the break, so I can totally understand your friend's confusion and upset - her former BF has tried to be as kind and gentle, as well as honest, as he can, out of respect and affection for a person who will always be part of the story of his life.

KurriKurri · 02/11/2018 19:12

Poor man realised he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her and ended it quickly and cleanly.

Absolutely not what he did at all. he left then has been contacting her saying he loves and cares for her/ he might come back/ he won;t come back/but he still loves her - manipulative headfucker is what he is.

I think the best thing your friend can do is take control = at the moment he ha ddecided he will dump her - no discussion, he is now playing games by contacting her, and sending mixed messages.
Instead of waiting to see whether he wants to come back or have a relationship or whatever, she needs to decide what she wants to do.
Does she want to be with a man who behaves in such a cowardly and unkind way ? In the long run most likely not. (It's all raw at the moment, but in all honesty their relationship will never recover from his actions, there will be no trust that he won't do it again)

so she needs to decide that she is doing the clean ending. Block him, don;t respond to any texts, messages etc. get rid of his stuff or dump it somewhere he can collect it without her having to have contact with him, and write him out of her life. Don't let him play mind games, move on and either find someone who deserves her or being single.

Sounds like she's well rid.

murmuration · 02/11/2018 19:13

Sounds similar to how DH's first marriage ended. They'd been together since late teens, and she just wanted to be a single adult. He offered all sort of counselling and reconsiliation, but that wasn't the issue. She didn't dislike him, she just didn't want to be married anymore. It's tough. It left DH with a big fear of people vanishing without warning, though, which has taken a lot of reassurance on my part in our relationship now.

Blackness78 · 02/11/2018 19:15

I know it's hard, but let him go

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2018 19:15

He outgrew the relationship, it happens. Thankfully he didn't string her along until her fertility declines. She needs to move on.

LilMy33 · 02/11/2018 19:16

There might be someone else but who knows? Best thing she can do is cut contact with him. I personally wouldn’t want to be listening to him bleat on about how much he loves and cares for me when in his mind it’s totally over. Time to move on and she can’t do that if she’s still in contact with him. In my experience anyway.

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