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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's boyfriend left her...confused

36 replies

Peegreenlie12 · 02/11/2018 18:32

I'm posting here for traffic.

A week ago my best friend's (28) boyfriend (26)of 7 years (they've lived together for 3), literally after getting dressed for the day, sat on the edge of their bed and said 'I can't do this anymore'. He gave reasons for wanting to leave, his work, money, home sick (his family live 100 miles away,he is in regular contact and visits every 8 weeks).

She was very upset and kept suggesting ways of making things work, even them both moving over there, ect and he still objected. She has to take her mum to a medical appointment and while she way away, he packed his stuff and left, without saying goodbye or even trying to sort things out. There was no arguments nothing to suggest he was unhappy.

He's been gone a week saying he loves her and cares for her, and there might be a possibility of him coming back and today he says he is not going to come back.

What is going on? it came out of the blue, he's given up his zero hour job, moved back into his parents, he's said he would selfish if he returned ect

He still keeps saying he loves and cares for her, but she is utterly heartbroken, thought they were going to get married and have children as he said to her she was the one. But if he loves and cares for her, then why leave, why hurt her and if you love someone you don't move 100 miles away from them, to deliberately be away from them and then refuse to come back.

Could there be another woman involved? He swears there is no one else and he would never do that.

But what reason could he have to leave and then stay away from someone he loves?

OP posts:

steppemum · 02/11/2018 19:24

I think the fact she was thinking about marriage and kids may be the key.

I was in a long term relationship, quite happy to continue, but one day I realised the next step was marriage etc, and at the same time I realised I didn't want to do that with this person.

It is over. Any attempt to reconcile isn't going to work. She is young, say goodbye, walk away and grieve, then get back to life. I don;t mean to sound harsh, but the sooner she realises that, the sooner she will be able to move on.

JungDisciple · 02/11/2018 19:26

I guess he knew that he didn't want to spend his life with her, so he had to end it rather than let it drift on.

RomanyRoots · 02/11/2018 19:26

he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, it's crystal clear.
It's sad but sometimes this happens and they have to go their separate ways towards something different.
You can care for and love somebody very much, but not want to be with them romantically.

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/11/2018 19:27

He’s just not into her anymore. He’s realised this and although he loves and cares for her it’s probably more like family/friend love. He’s done the right thing and she needs to move on. Minimising contract would be a good start.

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2018 19:27

Sounds like everything is getting on top of him and he feels he's drowning in worries. Possibly a form of depression. Best let him go sort himself out if he can.

chrisinthesun · 02/11/2018 19:28

Sounds like your 'friend' and this boyfriend were young when they started dating, and he grew up and matured and decided your 'friend' was not what he wanted anymore.

Far better that than getting married and having a kid together, and THEN finding out her doesn't care about your 'friend.' You're tied for life once you have a kid together.

RomanyRoots · 02/11/2018 19:31

I don't know if it's just me but I know lots of couples who have ended like this, if we are to believe it's just incompatible lifestyle choices.
The next relationship for the woman ends in marriage and kids.
i.e It's the next one that's the keeper.
I've seen this so many times in lots of families.

thebear1 · 02/11/2018 19:35

A male friend did something similar, told his partner of over 10 years he didn't want to be with her anymore and moved out. They remained friends till he eventually met and married someone else. I think he did love the ex but like a close friend. It was hard for them both.

MaMaMaMySharona · 02/11/2018 19:40

This exact thing happened to me when me and my ex were both 26. He decided he wanted to live the “single life” before it was too late and wasn’t ready to settle down. I was devastated at the time but to be honest it would have been awful for him to carry on and not say anything.

5 years later and I’m engaged and as far as I can tell, he’s still living the “single life” (living with his parents and trying to make it in a band).

Halloloween · 02/11/2018 19:46

It happens - some people are seriously cruel.

My friend was the carer for her husband, they were so close it was ridiculous, the sort of 'makes you sick' couple. She came to meet us one morning (regular thing) and returned home 4 hours later to an empty house where he had literally upped and left without a note or an inkling that something was wrong. They'd even been intimate the night before and that morning. He took EVERYTHING and even arranged for things they'd rented together to be collected within the next week so it'd clearly been planned.

A couple of days later he was tracked down - he'd been talking to other women online and the first that gave him an open door and open bed he'd moved in with in an entirely different town/county. She was utterly distraught and he and new woman tormented her online/over the phone at every opportunity.

With support from friends and family she gets stronger and he starts to get more and more annoyed that she's no longer showing him how distraught she is.... a further few months on he's adamant he's coming home no matter what and she can't stop him. After being told by several of her friends large and scary husbands that that isn't going to happen - he sits outside her new house (she'd had to move as she couldn't afford it without him) and throws things at her windows during the middle of the night, terrifying her and her son.

She reunites with a childhood sweetheart who tells ex where to go in no uncertain terms.... so he returns to the woman who's bed he ran to originally... and as he hasn't been caring for his health he has new woman ring my friend to tell her that he's 'dying' (he's not) because he needs various hospital appointments and "She has to sort them out - or else!!!" (she told him where to go).

Even now - 3 years on he tries to play with her emotions and sets up new facebooks/harrasses her but thankfully it's few and far between.

TLDR: Some people are just horrifically spiteful and don't care how they treat others. She is well rid of him.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/11/2018 19:59

I hardly think that Halloween's story is anything at all like your friend's!

Sorry to be harsh, but it is hardly a mystery - he still likes and cares for her, maybe even loves her as a friend but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Perfectly reasonable and normal!

So he has told her and moved away. Yes it was sudden but the alternative is dragging it out. He could still be nice to her recently because he likes her but that's different to having her as his girlfriend.

As someone else said, people change enormously between 19 and 26 and IME many people have a long term relationship in their twenties which then ends because they then enter a different part of your life.

I hope your friend will be ok. She will hopefully move on soon.

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