to not understand why motherhood is quite this hard?

[beclev24]

I seem to see everyone else breezing through motherhood and feel so alone sometimes.

I have 3 boys- ages 8, 5 and 10 months and it is pretty much a constant slog, with a few scattered moments of joy in between. DS1 is very moody and goes into huge grumps at the slightest provocation, snarling at us and even telling us he wishes he was dead when things don't go his way. DS 2 is prone to tantrums and will flip like a switch and start telling us he hates us/ screaming etc when he has a meltdown, which is at least once a day. He can also be very naughty, won't listen, deliberately winds up his brother, refuses to get dressed, etc etc. Yesterday he threw a laundry basket at the TV . The big two fight a lot. DS3 is very cute but whines a lot, doesn't want to be put down and wakes up every hour or so all night (has an ear infection at the moment but this predates that.) . They are good boys in many ways- especially when they are not at home. do well at school/ generally polite to other adults etc etc

I don't know why they are all so challenging at home. I feel as though I do everything you are 'supposed' to do. They all get lots of attention. We set boundaries, enforce logical consequences, encourage and praise, listen to their feelings, play with them, read to them, do art and baking and play football etc etc and almost never shout at them, but still, every day feels like a brutal challenge. I am exhausted and feel myself starting to get depressed with it all and wonder why other kids seem to easy in comparison. No additional needs.

Anyone else? Why is it this hard?

I suspect it is the effect of sleep deprivation. DD is 2.5 and has just started sleeping better and I’m starting to feel better. It also takes 2 years for your body to recover from pregnancy/birth.

jackshouse thanks- I'm sure that's part of it definitely, but it's actually the other two I find more stressful. I just don't understand why we are always living on the verge of a total meltdown with the two of them. Is it just us? Is there anythign else I can try?

I think the answer is that you have thee young boys. I have one three year old and that's hard enough.

It is really hard, particularly when you have a baby and you aren't getting much sleep. Given the age of your youngest, I would guess they are playing up to get your attention? If so then the solution is to remove attention when they behave badly.
E.g. if in a grump and making mealtime unpleasant, eat alone in a separate room. Keep your reaction calm and low key and make it boring for them when they behave badly. Easier said than done, I know.

livininabox thank you for replying. The ignoring thing is hard though- if it is just whining etc is ok, but I can't ignore him throwing stuff at the TV or hitting his brother or not getting dressed when we have to leave for school etc. They know what they have to do to get my attention. I do give them lots of one on one attention as well- that's part of what is so exhausting tbh!

I really wanted children and was extremely lucky to have them through IVF but I have found motherhood so hard at times. Rewarding but extremely hard.

Does it feel manageable when you have 2 out of the 3 around?
Do you have a garden?
Wonder if you can tire them out, get outside when things feel tense. A change of scenery?
When I’ve been in the difficult times I’ve found being out of the house with the kids as much as possible a great help.

You’re doing a great job. Try to get a part of the day that is adults only or just for you. That always helps me.

I’ve got two DDs (8 and 3) and often feel the same OP. I probably should have stuck with one (although I obviously love them both) as I don’t seem to have the patience or energy to deal with both at the same time. I’m definitely not the “natural earth mother” type...

Getting out of the house is the key for me. A change of scenery and chance to wear them out! Don't worry, you're not alone, and I think you're incredibly brave to admit it. I only have one but feel this way from time to time, three makes you a miracle worker in my eyes.

Once the sleep deprivation starts to improve, hopefully you'll see some improvement in your mood, but if not please do speak to your GP as you may have PND.

I wouldn't suggest ignoring necessarily. If he is hitting and throwing I would send him out of the room.

I have a "sad" and "happy" list that I have agreed with my kids, which has been quite helpful. Throwing and hitting are on the sad list. It also says what the consequences are. So good choices means they can have a friend round after school or stay up later at the weekend. Bad choices means no nice activities and toys taken away (eg if throwing a toy).

I agree with getting them outside - even if they don't want to go. Mine are a nightmare if they get cooped up.

Very few parents are breezing through regardless of your perception. Don’t feel alone.

It sounds like your boys have a lot of energy. How active are they?

I discovered that happiness for my DS equals lots and lots and lots of exercise.

It's such a cliche but mine (I have DD10, DD9, DS6) are better if I restrict screen time she says as they watch TV. And agree, lots of exercise.

But you have a 10 month old so it's just particularly hard now due to your sleep deprivation. Are you still in half term? We've had a battle between them wanting to watch TV all the time and me wanting them to spend some time doing nice things with their visiting grandmother. While it's nice to have a break I'm really noticing they want to do less than in the summer when they were in the garden all the time.

thanks all- yes they could definitely do with more exercise. After school they are both just desperate to come home and play/ relax and massively protest goign to the park etc. I do get it- they both have long school days for their ages and are tired after school so hard to get the balance right. But yes- maybe I should enforce more park trips etc. They both claim to hate the park but seem to be fine when they actually get there.

They only have screen time on weekends - a bit in the morning and a bit in the evening, but we could cut it down a bit more. I've noticed that DS2 is def worse when he watches stuff like power rangers or whatever that has battles and fighting in it.

Hello, I also have three boys 7, 6 & 2 and you know sometimes it is hard work!

Sleep deprivation is awful and I imagine if you can get some decent sleep other things won’t seem as hard.

I have to get them burning off some energy every day, the park, swimming, rugby or even just a walk/scoot.

My middle one is a nightmare tantrummer and she is now 13! It took me till she was 3 or 4 to really start to notice that she was the worst when she was hungry or her blood sugar was low. She really does struggle with being hangry! It goes against my judgement to look like I am rewarding her behaviour with food but it helps to level her out!

How much sleep are the older two getting? My DC are 5 (nearly 6) and 7 and need 11/12 hours sleep most nights - they’re in bed by 7.30/8.00 and sleep til around 7. If they don’t get that they really struggle to manage their emotions and behaviours.

It’s hard work getting them into sleep routine and there are fines they don’t want to sleep - but really need to. I wonder if their sleep routine is ok?

My kids are just like yours!! It's so hard. I find myself looking at them thinking what is wrong with you? Why can't you go a minute without fighting? Or whinging/shouting/climbing over the furniture? It's relentless and exhausting and stressful and it is laughable how many bloody times someone says to me 'you've got your hands full!. Yes, yes I do.

PS more exercise, less screen time, better sleep, less sugar, more water, fish oils etc etc are great but also you can do all that & they might still be the same (from experience) 😬

Kids are just assholes. Honestly, it's not you - it's them! I find parenting is RELENTLESS! It's a tough gig and you have a baby to contend with too. If anything I'd suggest lowering all standards and expectations to just get through the day. I find this makes me try to do less, lowers my stress and I end up having at least some happy moments with them in the day rather than just screaming at them to brush their teeth and put on some pants.

Few little things. Do they have a good snack as soon as they get in from school?
Can they play in their own space for a while every day?
Sometimes little things make a difference.
No blame on you but you will have had to take your eye off the ball when baby came along so as they readjust things will improve.
My dh playing football with ours dss and dd for hours on weekends and bright evenings kept me sane. On dark evenings they wrestled with dh. Great for burning up energy. I moved to a quieter room!
Also l often notice dps using a very quiet voice but now and again a good authoritive voice sorts things. Not shouting but a teacher voice! ( l am a teacher)

My 2 DSs hated any suggestion of going anywhere.

After a while I started to regard their complaints as 'white noise'. Because I had by then recognised that, once there, they were fine, having fun, using up energy.

Whingeing about everything became their default, til they knew it didn't wash with me.

Going to the park after school must become 'something you do'. No negotiation. The 8 year old is old enough to recognise that one reason you go is due to his poor behaviour if he has 'pent up energy'. So he gets to consider whether you're right (he needs to burn off energy) or he needs to not be a dick at home every evening so 'the park' is no longer necessary.

Sometimes, it takes 'end of your tether' to effect change.

I'm not proud of it, but the two times in my DS's lives where I 'lost it',d lost my shizz and yelled the house down at them- was worryingly effective! They would've been 6 and 8 the first time. Bought me a good year apiece!

My third seems the easiest one most of the time (have DD7, DD6 and DS1) but my DF pointed out to me that my two oldest act up and fight constantly as a way of getting my attention as most of my attention is focused on my youngest. I keep thinking that this too will pass!

mijah I think you're right about the park. When we go it definitely is better. DS2 just started reception (equivalent- we live abroad) and was sotired in the afternoons that I would give in and bring him home but now he's more adjusted I think I should def start enforcing it.

howtobehuman I'd send you the mumsnet bunch of flowers if in my sleep deprived haze I could work out how to do that! Do you have boys as well?

They do get enough sleep I think- bed at 8 for younger one and 8:30 for older and up at 7-7:30 ish- they don't sleep if we put them to bed any earlier so not much point.

They have definitely got less attention since the baby came along and tings have ramped up since then, but they have always been a handful. I yelled at them last night for the first time in I don't know how long (I'm usually patient with them and save the despair for DH) and my older one got very freaked out and upset - the guilt was horrendous.

Thank you for that. Yes it’s relentless and bloody hard! I also just posted a thread about my out of control dd and will implement somw of the tips-especially the park and more sleep bit! xx

Get them into sport, particularly the oldest. Football? Local teams will usually take from year 1 or 2. Training In the week and matches at weekend. Now older teens the structure, discipline and exercise has been great for my boys.