to not understand why motherhood is quite this hard?

[beclev24]

I seem to see everyone else breezing through motherhood and feel so alone sometimes.

I have 3 boys- ages 8, 5 and 10 months and it is pretty much a constant slog, with a few scattered moments of joy in between. DS1 is very moody and goes into huge grumps at the slightest provocation, snarling at us and even telling us he wishes he was dead when things don't go his way. DS 2 is prone to tantrums and will flip like a switch and start telling us he hates us/ screaming etc when he has a meltdown, which is at least once a day. He can also be very naughty, won't listen, deliberately winds up his brother, refuses to get dressed, etc etc. Yesterday he threw a laundry basket at the TV . The big two fight a lot. DS3 is very cute but whines a lot, doesn't want to be put down and wakes up every hour or so all night (has an ear infection at the moment but this predates that.) . They are good boys in many ways- especially when they are not at home. do well at school/ generally polite to other adults etc etc

I don't know why they are all so challenging at home. I feel as though I do everything you are 'supposed' to do. They all get lots of attention. We set boundaries, enforce logical consequences, encourage and praise, listen to their feelings, play with them, read to them, do art and baking and play football etc etc and almost never shout at them, but still, every day feels like a brutal challenge. I am exhausted and feel myself starting to get depressed with it all and wonder why other kids seem to easy in comparison. No additional needs.

Anyone else? Why is it this hard?

Yes I have boys!

Oh it’s not you. Honestly! I only have two (6 and 2) and work part time (am a LP tho) and relentless is the word, isn’t it. I am so, so shattered. I feel guilty because i’m so tired. I completely echo everyone’s comments about getting them out of the house to get fresh air/use up energy etc but by Saturday morning i’m so drained! I always think I should do more with them at weekends (we do do stuff but I always feel we should be on some sort of ‘day out’) but also I just need to rest.

The behaviour thing is hard too, my oldest is completely NT (as far as I know!) but I still find him hard work. He’s terribly set in his ways, fussy with food, has a big chip on his shoulder half the time about things being ‘unfair’ and honestly, some days I want to just give him a lecture about how great his life is —compared to mine— ! I wouldn’t obviously! But I feel your pain!

Thanks all. Good to know I’m not alone. Yy to the exercise, sleep, diet etc etc. it just feels you can never let your guard down for one second before it all falls apart again and often even if we do everything ‘right’ it doesn’t make much difference. My friends with girls at least on the outside seem to have a much calmer life ...

penelope kudos to you for doing it alone. You are a total hero.

Oh op, I've got absolutely nothing useful at all to add, but just wanted you to know that I could've written your op word for word. I'm fact, I'm pretty sure I did, about eight years ago. I honestly don't know what the solution is. My two are 10 and 9 now, things have become manageable - but only in the sense that I've got used to the status quo. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.
I can remember many years ago, being in town with my three, I was queuing up in a bakers shop for bread etc. I was trying to deal with my excitable kids, running left right and centre, it was like herding cats - I was genuinely upset, thought I'd been doing everything 'right' etc, but it felt like my kids were just so hard to control.
There was a cafe attached to the bakery, and I can remember seeing a mum I vaguely knew from playgroup, sitting with a friend and her three DC's. A newborn on the breast, an 18 month old in a high chair happily playing with some food, and her 3 year old sitting quietly with a sticker book. The mum was drinking a latte with a friend, and they were laughing and chatting together. I know it probably seems like nothing to a lot of people, but I've never forgotten that. To me, it kind of summed up the feeling that 'everyone else' was managing just fine, and I was somewhat lacking.
Like I said, nothing useful to add, and no nuggets of advice - just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

My friends with girls at least on the outside seem to have a much calmer life ...

I have one of each and I can assure you Bec girls come with their own set of problems.

Also nothing useful to add really apart from carve out some time for you and don't feel guilty.
Let yourself be you again for a morning or afternoon. Sorry if this is impossible or obvious advice but you sound swamped in your children's worlds rather than having some of your own world too.
Good luck - must be so hard. for you

I agree with restricting tv time - for the simple reason it is so much more immediate effective when you do.
A half hour guaranteed silence every afternoon.

I have 3, similar ages to you but closer together.
I've learnt to ignore the complaints it actually has very little to do with me as a parent. They complain and whine just as much after a great dinner and playdat and trip out as they do on other days.
So I've set objective measures. 80% ish healthy food. An hour outside, or as near as I can get. A few chores. 15 mins each at bedtime. Obviously there's normal interaction as well but that's my base.

Maybe it hasn't directly helped their behaviour, but it's definitely helped me. I know I'm doing right by them and meeting basic needs so I don't need to waste that mental energy. I can use it in their own idiosyncrasies. It does help in our house anyway.

Ha. I have three girls and I'm at the end of my fucking tether.

I have 3 (DC3 is only 9 days old though) - DS6, DD4 and new DS. DS is 65% absolutely lovely, and 35% devil child who screams, swears, hits and makes me want to run away to a desert island. His triggers are tiredness, hunger and lack of attention. 5pm is generally a downward spiral for him after a long day at school.

DD is massively clingy since starting school and new baby has made is much worse. She won't even put her own underwear on now, she whines and whines for "mummy do it" (yeay regression)

I don't really have any advice, just solidarity.

The only thing I have found is that it can help to have a "transition activity" ready for after school, eg if I set out playdoh or colouring books, or even something elaborate off Pinterest very occasionally, before they get home, this can sometimes distract them from battering each other whilst I make tea.

Hmm I would say restricting TV time. Having a very strict schedule. And actually getting cross more. Why should you NOT be cross?why do we think parents need to be endlessly patient never needing to show their frustration or irritation to their kids? I am not advocating constantly shouting but I don’t get the guilt about letting the kids know when they have crossed a line. My kids are 100% not scared of me but they also know when I use my stern voice that I really do mean business. Didn’t stop the toddler tantrumming because he wanted a book, and I gave him a book but then he said ‘no book’ so I put it back and waaaaahhhh. But my older kid certainly knows that there are a few red lines not to cross and hitting siblings is up there. (The whinging never stops. I don’t have a cure for that! I would be a millionaire if I did).

aw thanks for these supportive messages

jocktamsonsbairns that bakery image rang so true for me. My kids just feel so feral compared to so many others- def could sympathise with the "all running off in different directions" and feeling out of control. What are yours like now? Still the same but you just feel more used to it?? Ihave also had my moments seeing mums like the one you saw in hte cafe- usually my friend w 3 girls who she can happily take out fo rlong lunches etc with friends while they play quietly and amuse themselves and it makes me feel rubbish.

margotlovedtom1 tell me more! I have this vision in my head that it would be so much easier with girls so kind of reasssuring to know that this is not necessarily the case. Are they feral like mine or something different?

Yep: they were painfully loud, boisterous, messy, argumentative, wilful, defiant and stroppy. I remember my mother saying, slightly aghast one afternoon when they were little, "They're wild." They're older now and less rambunctious, but not easier. They do have their lovely moments, and obviously I love them dearly (the eldest is, and has always been, by far the easiest), but my GOD, the bickering. It's like mental torture. When they are together as a three is the most challenging time, two out of three is nice and only having one is a breeze . Having said that, I was at a particularly low ebb yesterday after so much sniping and squabbling; today hasn't been half as bad.

@margotlovedtom1 . thanks so much- it makes me feel much better! Def agree, any combination of 2 is far far easier (although I didn't think that at all when I only had 2, so maybe I should have a fourth so three seems easy:-) . Glad you are having a better day today. It's a bit calmer here too thank god.

I find one hard enough. Definitely wouldn't subject myself to 3...