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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a bitch?

47 replies

user1471450287 · 02/11/2018 11:15

So a friend of mine and I have a lot of mutual friends. There's one person that she really doesn't get on with, and in the past has always said that she's not interested in going for drinks with them.

So I organised some drinks with this person and a handful of our mutual friends who do get on with them. I didn't invite my friend, because I really, really thought she wouldn't want to come, and we have three events planned that she is attending. One of the mutual friends asked me if she should be coming, and I said that she wasn't comfortable around this other person, they said that makes sense. I didn't hide these drinks from her, I mentioned them in passing to her, because, like I say, I didn't think she'd be interested and I thought I was doing the right thing.

Now, the drinks have been and gone and she sent me a message saying that she was really hurt that she wasn't invited, and that I had no right to tell our mutual friend that she was uncomfortable. I was stunned, and horrified, and I apologised to her, and explained what had happened, that I had made a mistake in my assumption about her not wanting to attend. I said I should have checked with her first and that I had never intended to hurt her - it's also very rare that I misjudge a situation so badly. She then proceeded to call me a fucking bitch, and several other choice phrases for the rest of the day, and said that my intentions don't matter, only my actions, which hurt her.

So I'm now hurt and upset, but AIBU to be? I was stupid, but not malicious, and I have apologised profusely. I did say she was acting childishly at one point, because she was just having a go at me non-stop, but am I a bitch?

OP posts:

tiggerkid · 02/11/2018 11:18

Although I think she probably could have been invited and given a choice of whether she wanted to join, I also think she is completely overreacting to this (particularly because you already apologised!). Calling you a bitch is completely nasty and unnecessary and if that's how she feels, then frankly I would just leave her to it. She is the one, who should be apologising now!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2018 11:20

Your "friend" sounds like hard work.

7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 11:26

Another one who needs a “non apology” sorry you feel that way, obviously I can’t tolerate Abusive people in my life and by calling me a fucking bitch amongst other things I appreciate our relationship as friends is over. (Fuckity bye you twat - obviously don’t say that).

NonaGrey · 02/11/2018 11:28

She's an adult but acting like an unpleasant teenager.

You aren’t entitled to be invited to everything.

She’d repeatedly stated she doesn’t want to socialise with this other woman, you aren’t unreasonable to have taken her at her word.

I would have apologised once (in a mild way) for not including her but I wouldn’t be grovelling.

I certainly would not ever find being called a fucking bitch acceptable for such a minor offence especially from someone who is meant to be my friend.

I wouldn’t be apologising any further and would expect an apology from her for her tantrum and unreasonable behaviour.

I wouldn’t put up with that kind of nonsense in children, I’m certainly not putting up with it from adults.

SoyDora · 02/11/2018 11:29

Well I certainly wouldn’t stay friends with someone who called me a ‘fucking bitch’.
I’d probably have just invited her though and let her make the decision over whether to attend or not.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 02/11/2018 11:37

Calling you names and not being willing to even consider her assumption of what happened isn't actually what happened (even if either way she missed out) really isn't showing her as a nice person.
I can understand her being a hurt but (because she was unintentionally talked about, and excluded) her vitriol towards you about something that you didn't deliberately do to upset her and in fact are now embarrassed about is unnecessary and hurtful.

You sound like you've realised you got this really wrong but for future it's not your place to share someone else's private issues especially to mutual friends who know both people who aren't getting on and everyone's an adult they can make choices for themselves but not if you unilaterally decide for them, if you don't want to invite someone that's one thing but don't decide that it's not for them on their behalf. especially if you then invite the other person

Original poster

user1471450287 · 02/11/2018 11:56

Thank you all. Yes, I realise how wrong it was. I don't normally put my foot in it like this, I don't know what I was thinking. Embarrassed is absolutely the right word.
I know it's easy to say that she shouldn't call me names, and she shouldn't, but I hate her being so angry with me.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 12:04

And she knows that and is playing on it.
Tell her not to contact you again in light of her Abusive language. Watch her come crawling.

NonaGrey · 02/11/2018 12:09

I hate her being so angry with me.

Have you considered examining why you feel that way?

You didn’t do anything dreadful. Your actions were based on perfectly reasonable assumptions.

Her response is so unreasonable as to be deliberately manipulative.

She’s responsible for her own feelings and her own behaviour.

If you bow and scrape and grovel to get back into her goodbooks you open yourself up to increasingly bad treatment from her.

There are good reasons not to give in to tantrums from a toddler and the same reasons are apply to adults.

You’ve apologised for your mistake. The fact that she’s “so angry” about it is entirely her responsibility not yours.

“Always be kind but never be a doormat” is an excellent life goal.

You’re being a doormat.

Dotty1970 · 02/11/2018 12:17

She's out of order the way she has acted however I would be really pissed of about you telling the others that she wasn't comfortable.. This wasnt for you to say and would have hurt her

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 02/11/2018 12:19

I think it was fine for her to bring it up if she was hurt but you were very gracious in apologising and she should have accepted in with similar good grace.

Thebluedog · 02/11/2018 12:25

You ‘may’ have been unreasonable for not inviting her, with hind sight I would have mentioned it... but she’s just lost all moral high ground for calling you a fucking bitch.

I’d be tempted to message her back and say you apologise for not inviting her, in hind sight you should have done, however none of this was done with any malice. there is also no excuse for calling you a fucking bitch and until she apologises then you’ll not be continuing with the friendship.

MrsJane · 02/11/2018 12:28

You were in the wrong. You should've invited her and given her the choice. It's also sounds very spiteful that you were openly discussing these nights out with her, but not actually inviting her?!

Anywho, you know this and you have apologised. Her reaction is uncalled for and she's overreacting, but she's hurt.

I think you should send her one last message to say, look, I'm sorry, I messed up but it wasn't malicious. I'm here if you still want to be friends, yada yada. But then leave the ball in her court.

user1493413286 · 02/11/2018 12:31

I think you need to take a step back; you misjudged the situation and you’ve apologised. If she doesn’t want to accept your apology you can’t change that

woollyheart · 02/11/2018 12:35

In the past she has said that she didn't want to go to drinks with them, so I would have done the same as you.

If she was saying that to make sure that you never invited them, then she was unreasonable and unrealistic.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/11/2018 12:36

You already apologised, I wouldn’t be calling or contacting her anymore and or grovelling. She sounds mad.

She sounds like she wants you to exclude the friend she doesn’t like. But you didn’t.

I’d ignore her completely now.

Alfie190 · 02/11/2018 12:37

You were definitely in the wrong, it was mean to not invite her but to tell her about it and also tell other people about why she was not invited. I can totally see why she was angry with you.

However I think she has gone too far now, I cannot imagine referring to anyone in my social circle as a fucking bitch, in fact I don’t think I could have done that much after the age of 13.

In acknowledgement of your mistake, I would probably go back to her one last time and tell her again you are sorry but I would also make clear that you don’t like to be called names like that. Hopefully it will elicit the apology that you deserve.

candlemaker4 · 02/11/2018 12:44

i think she is being out of order and taking it too far BUT you were in the wrong to not invite her then discuss her to someone else. I wouldnt be happy about that. But, to be honest, I would have just avoided you rather than kicking off.

Linziepie · 02/11/2018 12:46

I think you probably should have invited her but can see why you wouldn't. I don't think you should have told other people her issues with the other girl though. Her reaction is ridiculous though.

BarbarianMum · 02/11/2018 12:51

Nona speaks a lot of sense. If she can't forgive an honest mistake then it's her problem not yours.

ContessaGoesMarchingDOWNTOHELL · 02/11/2018 12:53

I think it sounds like the mutual friend said "Hey, I heard you weren't coming to the drinks thing because so-and-so makes you uncomfortable" to her, and she's embarrassed by the truth being known. What is it about the other person that makes her uncomfortable, and what makes her so embarrassed about people other than you knowing it?

She's lashing out at you right now because of this embarrassment, I bet you money. Your honest assumptions have made her look bad (in her own eyes) somehow....

Miscible · 02/11/2018 13:04

I'm not even sure that you needed to apologise. If she has repeatedly made it clear that she is not interested in going for drinks with this other person, it would have been ridiculous to invite her.

I also don't understand people on this thread suggesting you were in the wrong. You didn't go out of your way to discuss her, you simply responded to a query from someone who already knew about the event. Maybe you needn't have said angry friend was uncomfortable, but you were put in a difficult position. If you'd told the friend who asked that there was a reason for not inviting angry friend that you couldn't discuss, they'd be left imagining all sorts of horrendous possibilities.

To be honest, it sounds as if you may well be better off without this person in your life.

brizzledrizzle · 02/11/2018 13:09

I wouldn't say you were a bitch, you meant well after all.
She's overreacted a bit - there must be a reason for that.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2018 13:16

I wonder if she doesn't like this other friend because said other friend sees right through her drama-llama attitude and won't indulge her ego-tripping...

Juells · 02/11/2018 13:21

Tell her not to contact you again in light of her Abusive language. Watch her come crawling.

Pie-in-the-sky land. I'd be livid if one of my friends made decisions for me like that, and shared private information.

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