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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a bitch?

47 replies

user1471450287 · 02/11/2018 11:15

So a friend of mine and I have a lot of mutual friends. There's one person that she really doesn't get on with, and in the past has always said that she's not interested in going for drinks with them.

So I organised some drinks with this person and a handful of our mutual friends who do get on with them. I didn't invite my friend, because I really, really thought she wouldn't want to come, and we have three events planned that she is attending. One of the mutual friends asked me if she should be coming, and I said that she wasn't comfortable around this other person, they said that makes sense. I didn't hide these drinks from her, I mentioned them in passing to her, because, like I say, I didn't think she'd be interested and I thought I was doing the right thing.

Now, the drinks have been and gone and she sent me a message saying that she was really hurt that she wasn't invited, and that I had no right to tell our mutual friend that she was uncomfortable. I was stunned, and horrified, and I apologised to her, and explained what had happened, that I had made a mistake in my assumption about her not wanting to attend. I said I should have checked with her first and that I had never intended to hurt her - it's also very rare that I misjudge a situation so badly. She then proceeded to call me a fucking bitch, and several other choice phrases for the rest of the day, and said that my intentions don't matter, only my actions, which hurt her.

So I'm now hurt and upset, but AIBU to be? I was stupid, but not malicious, and I have apologised profusely. I did say she was acting childishly at one point, because she was just having a go at me non-stop, but am I a bitch?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/11/2018 13:23

I think if you have told her to grow up and she is still name calling then you have done all you can. Sometimes people make mistakes, you made one, now she is making one. All you can do is work out where you went wrong and not do it again.

You have no need to try and make her world better. She has to figure out what she did that made this situation occur in a) telling you she didn't lie the other person and b) calling you names and refusing your apology!

Think about it: How/why do you know she doesn't like that person? Why can't she behave like all most adults in group situations and just smile, be polite and move on?

You really aren't the problem. To paraphrase that saying "You are 100% the common denominator in all your failed social relationships" Let her continue to refuse to learn the truth of that!

Spankyoumuchly · 02/11/2018 13:25

Why do you prefer to go for drinks with the other woman? I guess your friend wanted you to choose her over the woman she doesn't like.
All sounds very childish. You can be friends with who you like.

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/11/2018 13:28

While I don't think you have to invite everyone to everything, if this outing was with mostly mutual friends I think it would have been better to invite her and let her turn it down if she didn't want to go, rather than make the decision for her - and definitely not for you to tell another mutual friend that she's not coming because she doesn't get on with someone!

Has she reacted like this before?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/11/2018 13:33

When she told you that she didn't want to socialise with the other woman, she probably hoped that you'd say you wouldn't see her either, to make your friend feel more comfortable. Now she can see that she isn't able to control who you see, her nose is out of joint.

If she's worth the effort in other ways then I might try to smooth things over, but if not then I wouldn't do anything, just leave it up to her.

Miscible · 02/11/2018 13:46

What decision did OP make for this person, @Juells? She'd already said she didn't want to socialise with the other friend, so she'd made the decision for herself.

7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 13:59

Exactly miscible.
I agree.
When she told op she didn’t want to socialise with the other friend that’s her choice made.
Besides even if she did get on with other person and op didn’t want to invite her, she didn’t need to.
We don’t all get invited to everything all of the time do we? Yes it hurts but i don’t think it warrants calling op a fucking bitch.

EleanorShellstropper · 02/11/2018 14:25

I think I would have invited her (not expecting her to come) and left it like that.
YWNBU in your meaning and I'm sorry it's ended up with a big fallout, but your "friend" seems like a lot of work and I'd be questioning our friendship. If you can't get on with someone on a night out with many other people to the point you're not invited, and then make a huge fuss about it then what kind of person are you?

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 02/11/2018 14:40

Forgive me if I am wrong, but I thought if someone is organising something then it is up to that person who they invite, it shouldn't be dictated by someone else who you have to invite, surely?

In my view it is up to you who you invite, you don't have to ask particular people just because they demand an invitation. You can choose who you want to invite to which event.

I do think it wasn't wise to tell someone else your friend wasn't comfortable around someone else though. But your friend is being very unreasonable with her reaction and if I were you I'd be very wary with her in future if you were to stay friends.

NonaGrey · 02/11/2018 14:42

I'd be livid if one of my friends made decisions for me like that, and shared private information.

You friends aren’t allowed to see other groups of friends without you Juells? Really?

As for “private information”? “Juells doesn’t like Nona so I didn’t think she’d want to come”

On what planet is that private information??

Blanchedupetitpois · 02/11/2018 14:46

She has behaved badly. It’s ok for her to be hurt that you didn’t invite her, and it’s true that actions matter more than intentions. But that’s no excuse for calling you horrible names or being so rude. You apologised - she should accept it and move on or she should let you know that she is still hurt and needs time to rebuild the trust and friendship, but either way she shouldn’t have behaved the way she did.

Juells · 02/11/2018 14:54

You friends aren’t allowed to see other groups of friends without you Juells? Really?

Not at all. I can't be arsed to go to anything social, and all my friends know that, they wouldn't bother inviting me. But if I organised a meet-up for drinks I'd invite friends and let them know who else was coming, let them choose to come or not. And I definitely wouldn't tell other people that the reason I wasn't inviting one person was because she didn't like someone else. I think more happened than has been shared...

MoaningSickness · 02/11/2018 14:55

You aren’t entitled to be invited to everything

No, but people are allowed to reassess your friendship if you don't invite them to things, and it's the height of rudeness to talk about events with someone you are not inviting.

Plus telling someone else she didn't want to attend for whatever reasons when you haven't even asked her! It does come across as very underhand and bitchy.

She is wrong to keep on at you, but I wouldn't be inclined to forgive easily in her shoes

7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 14:58

Doesn’t give her the right to call op a fucking bitch though does it?

Miscible · 02/11/2018 14:59

But if I organised a meet-up for drinks I'd invite friends and let them know who else was coming, let them choose to come or not

If friend A had told you that she would never attend a social with friend B, would you seriously bother to invite friend A when you were also inviting B, Juells? If so, why?

Miscible · 02/11/2018 15:03

No, but people are allowed to reassess your friendship if you don't invite them to things, and it's the height of rudeness to talk about events with someone you are not inviting.

If I'd told my friend that I would never attend a social event that another person would be at, I definitely wouldn't be reassessing my friendship if she took me at my word. And when was OP talking about events with someone she wasn't inviting, Moaning?

Pigeonpies · 02/11/2018 15:04

I think she overreacted massively and owes you an apology...

however, it really enrages me when people make decisions on my behalf! My mum does it a lot ( assumes I wouldn't be interested in a particular event) and when I had babies, friends would think I wouldn't go out because of them..... Quite offensive to assume your friend isn't capable of making her own mind up and exclude her from a group thing.

Notnowok · 02/11/2018 15:05

No you're not a bitch but she is. I find that people who worry about being nasty rarely are. Don't apologise anymore and leave her to it.

ErickBroch · 02/11/2018 15:08

Yeah you messed up and it's a bit weird, especially telling another friend how she feels about someone else which I would consider private - I would be most annoyed about that.

However her reaction is awful and I wouldn't give her the time of day again, nor would I to anyone who spoke to me like that! Get rid

NonaGrey · 02/11/2018 15:13

But if I organised a meet-up for drinks I'd invite friends and let them know who else was coming, let them choose to come or not

For my personal scale that’s quite restrictive. In my group of friends sometimes small groups will get happily together without the others. Having to invite everyone to everything all the time would be fairly annoying.

I’m a big girl, I can cope with the fact that people have relationships with each other that are quite independent of their relationships with me.

I can also cope with the fact that my friends might share interests or activities together that I don’t like or appreciate.

In a million years I cannot imagine calling a friend a bitch because she deigned to see other friends without me. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to be offended tbh.

It just doesn’t seem a very grown up way of conducting relationships.

As for there being more happening than has been shared? I pretty much assume that’s always The case on MN.

DeltaZulu89 · 02/11/2018 15:32

Ok, so she wasn’t invited for drinks, you didn’t murder her granny! You don’t need to grovel quite so hard. She sounds like the fucking bitch, not you, and it seems like she enjoys having power over you. I would be looking to cut her out to be honest.

Placebogirl · 04/11/2018 07:53

Am I right in thinking that the reason she is uncomfortable with the person (whose gender isn't mentioned) who WAS invited for drinks is because that person has assaulted, harrassed, or in some other way creeped on her? Because that is what this situation reads like to me. If you have a missing stair in your friendship group, I don't blame her for being pissed off that you invited them and told others that they were uncomfortable. If I am wrong, forgive me, but this just has all the hallmarks of a situation I have seen too many times.

Tara336 · 04/11/2018 08:02

I agree with @Nonagrey. You had made your friend aware of your plans, had she wanted to come she could have said something! Swearing at you several times? Completely OTT and unacceptable you are owed an apology.

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