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AIBU?

AIBU re Christmas

94 replies

Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:30

Have posted before but name changed for this

Myself and DP have a baby daughter who is 2 months old. He has a DS from previous who is 9. The arrangements when he first split with his ex was she’d have DSS Xmas day and my DP would have him Boxing Day. They ended up in court around access for various reasons and it was agreed that ex would have DSS on Xmas eve/day until around 3.30pm, DP would then collect him and drop him back Boxing Day at the same time.

Tbh I find this arrangement awful as it means that me and DP are really limited on what we can do on Xmas day and Boxing Day. My family live a good 45 mins away from DSS so we don’t really have time to have dinner with them before we have to leave to collect DSS and equally if we go round after that’s most of Christmas Day finished. DPs family largely do their own thing so wouldn’t be seeing them.

This year we’re having to have Christmas Day at home just me DP and the baby and going to my families once we have collected DSS so will probably get there around 5/6 on Xmas day. I feel like I’m really missing out on seeing my nieces and nephews etc and whilst the baby this year is too young to care, once she is older I don’t want her christmases to be disjointed and boring as we can’t do much before collecting DSS

We’ve said to him about maybe doing alternate Xmas day and Boxing Day but he’d rather be with his mum Xmas morning.

Wibu to say from next Christmas (not this) we go back to Xmas day with his mum and Boxing Day with us? For DD sake it doesn’t seem fair she won’t get normal christmases based on the rubbish timing of collecting DSS. Other alternative is if I suggest we pick him up around 6pm? I just feel like we don’t have Xmas day or Boxing Day as a whole day to actually spend with any family
Or anything!

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MrsStrowman · 02/11/2018 09:44

I don't like the idea of children being shuttled around mid Xmas day but how does your DP feel, is it really important to him to see his DS on Xmas day itself? If so could you go to your family's early then DP pops out to pick up DS and you and baby stay at your family's?

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Haggisfish · 02/11/2018 09:47

Poor kid. 45 minutes isn’t that far really. Dd is surely too little for at least the next few christmases to give two hoots about what day it is?

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Haggisfish · 02/11/2018 09:47

Why can’t your family come to you?

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:48

The issue we’ve got is my family serve up dinner around the time DP would need to leave to get DSS

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Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 09:48

Surely his relationship with his existing child is more important than you’re nieces and nephews on Christmas. You can always go you’re self and the catch you up. Some parents would love Christmas with their kids but never get that opportunity

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ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/11/2018 09:48

So you want to change Xmas arrangements at your convenience a d for your family without any consideration for how that might affect your partner, the ex and her family? Just as long as it works for you? What if your partner and his son enjoy seeing each other on Xmas Day, even if it does mean some faffing about? What if your daughter wants to see her sibling on Xmas Day?

If the contact is court ordered, it really isn’t for you to change it anyway.

I appreciate your frustration but infortunately, this is a blended family thing and it is unlikely to get easier for years.

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:50

Haggisfish I did think about this being an option but with a small baby didn’t feel up to hosting! 45 mins each way soon adds up though... I don’t think it’s best for DSS he’d rather be with his mums family but I daredn’t say that to DP for fear of breaking his heart as he really wants to see DSS on Xmas day - although I don’t think it should be at any cost!

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Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 09:50

I say that as ds goes to his dads every evening on Christmas plus Boxing Day and his df has never made any excuses about us not collecting him.

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user1493413286 · 02/11/2018 09:50

I don’t really like splitting the day in half for kids so I think it’s fine as long as your DP thinks the same. In the next few years as your DD grows up you may find that DSS wants to be at yours for Christmas morning to enjoy that part with her

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SoyDora · 02/11/2018 09:51

Can your family alter the time they serve Christmas dinner by an hour or so either way? It doesn’t have to be set in stone does it? We eat at different times every year depending on what else is going on.

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MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 02/11/2018 09:52

Can you go for the day to your family and your DP go out and get him Op?
Can your family just delay Lunch an hour?

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:52

Ohreally - DSS would much rather be with his mum! They have a huge close knit family and they all get together and have parties until late on Xmas which DSS loves. He loves his dad and little sister but would rather be with his mum - he had no say in the arrangement at all.

When we asked if he’d like to come for dinner a few more times or stay with us a couple
Of extra nights during the school
Holidays to see his Dsis he said he’s ‘not bothered really’ lol - typical 9 year old but you get the idea

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Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 09:52

So you’re df wants to see his child on Christmas Day then that’s what needs to happen, this is his immediate family which is more important than you’re extended family and if you wanted to see them and help support you’re dp with his sons relationship you would host, it’s probably more important he sees him if you guys had a baby so he is included.

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Haggisfish · 02/11/2018 09:53

Or dp just misses dinner. It’s realky not that big a deal-a glorified roast dinner on one day of the year.

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Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 09:54

I have a 10year he enjoys seeing both sides of his family which is how it should be. You need to be encouraging and strengthening his relationship with his father.

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JanetLovesJason · 02/11/2018 09:54

Could they not just serve up a bit later? Doesn’t seem much of a inconvenience to make sure a child is included at Xmas.

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universe00 · 02/11/2018 09:54

I would suggest Christmas Day with mum and b

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Snitzelvoncrumb · 02/11/2018 09:54

You just need to explain the situation to your family, and change the meal time.
If they don't want to change the time don't go. I think it's up to your partner as he may want to see his son
Another option is just dp leaves early.

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universe00 · 02/11/2018 09:55

Boxing Day with dad, everyone gets there own day the . If your partner is ok with that then I would deffinatly ask his ex. Seems like it would be easier for everyone. They can still FaceTime on Xmas day it's not the end of the world is it

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:55

I did think about asking for Xmas dinner earlier but the truth is as much as the intention is there to serve it earlier it just wouldn’t happen due to it being a bit chaotic at my family. This year for DDs sake it doesn’t really matter as she’s so small but as she gets bigger I don’t want it to just be me her and DP for the majority of Xmas day that’s no fun for her.

Re the court order - neither mum nor DP suggested those times they were ruled by the judge and neither questioned it

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swingofthings · 02/11/2018 09:58

You're being unreasonable. You oh fought in court to get this arrangement to suit him and therefore you indirectly against the mum's wishes. You can't expect her to now accommodate you because it means not getting to your family until 6pm when you do have options.

You could go there early with your baby and wait for your OH to join you later with his son. As a matter of fact, his son would probably welcome a bit of alone time with his dad, if only for the journey.

Alternatively you could of course host it and ask your family to come to your house.

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SplashingAroundTown · 02/11/2018 09:58

As a step parent and as a parent and from BITTER experience I’d say that splitting Christmas Day is always tricky. Much better to have Christmas Day with one parent and Boxing Day with the other.

Otherwise there’s too much travel, hassle etc.

It’s qhite unsettling for children to mice between homes on Christmas Day (I mean parental homes) I think.

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universe00 · 02/11/2018 09:58

@Namechanged1212 if your partner is ok with seeing his son Boxing Day why not just ask his ex ? If everyone is ok with it then why not x

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Glumglowworm · 02/11/2018 09:58

Do you see the irony of you, an adult, getting upset about not seeing your family on Christmas Day, while wanting to stop DSS, a child, seeing his dad on Christmas Day?

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:59

Can’t serve up later as DSS eats with his
Mum so would just be sitting around whilst we had ours after picking him
Up which doesn’t seem fair to him!
Maybe we can host next year when DD is a little bigger and I’m not breastfeeding etc seems like a better solution and then when DSS is a little older he can be more involved in having a say on how he wants to
Split his Xmas

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