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AIBU re Christmas

94 replies

Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 09:30

Have posted before but name changed for this

Myself and DP have a baby daughter who is 2 months old. He has a DS from previous who is 9. The arrangements when he first split with his ex was she’d have DSS Xmas day and my DP would have him Boxing Day. They ended up in court around access for various reasons and it was agreed that ex would have DSS on Xmas eve/day until around 3.30pm, DP would then collect him and drop him back Boxing Day at the same time.

Tbh I find this arrangement awful as it means that me and DP are really limited on what we can do on Xmas day and Boxing Day. My family live a good 45 mins away from DSS so we don’t really have time to have dinner with them before we have to leave to collect DSS and equally if we go round after that’s most of Christmas Day finished. DPs family largely do their own thing so wouldn’t be seeing them.

This year we’re having to have Christmas Day at home just me DP and the baby and going to my families once we have collected DSS so will probably get there around 5/6 on Xmas day. I feel like I’m really missing out on seeing my nieces and nephews etc and whilst the baby this year is too young to care, once she is older I don’t want her christmases to be disjointed and boring as we can’t do much before collecting DSS

We’ve said to him about maybe doing alternate Xmas day and Boxing Day but he’d rather be with his mum Xmas morning.

Wibu to say from next Christmas (not this) we go back to Xmas day with his mum and Boxing Day with us? For DD sake it doesn’t seem fair she won’t get normal christmases based on the rubbish timing of collecting DSS. Other alternative is if I suggest we pick him up around 6pm? I just feel like we don’t have Xmas day or Boxing Day as a whole day to actually spend with any family
Or anything!

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/11/2018 10:01

Then it is court ordered. So either both parents agree to the change and work it out between themselves or if you are insistent, it will need to go back to court.

If your partner and ex agree, it’s sorted. If not, you really need to pick your battles.


Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:03

Glumglow - absolutely apart from the fact DSS would rather see us on Boxing Day and stay with his mum Xmas day. He is extremely close to his mum and her family - much much more so than to DP or this side of the family. We have him 2 nights a week and he is very open about the fact he wouldn’t want to come any more than that.

He’s quite a sensitive kid and just feels comfortable with his mum and her family when given the option.

Good idea about me taking DD to my family whilst he picks DSS up and then I get a bit more time there and he gets a little alone time with DSS

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Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 10:04

Then it’s important he strengthens his relationship with his son. Ds has a good relationship with both me and his df .


Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:05

Ohreally mum doesn’t agree she was very upset about it (in tears in court) and wanted to keep DSS all Christmas Day.

You’re right about picking battles and i don’t want to put DP in a situation he’s not happy with (as I know as much as he knows the arrangement is a bit crap he of course wants to see DSS on Xmas day). Maybe I’ll suggest we host next year then we can be in charge of dinner timings and him nipping out to collect DSS won’t impact anything too

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pyjamaparty1 · 02/11/2018 10:08

I think YABU to an extent! My DH has a ds from previous and my dd is from previous we have a ds together, we alternate Xmas so one year we have them all together dss then goes to his mums around 3:30 and spends the afternoon with his mums family same with my dd, this year we won't have them Xmas morning and will collect them around 3:30, I get where you are coming from in saying it will mess up your dds routine but then think of the excitement she gets to have more presents when her db comes over too! ( we save some presents for our ds for when his siblings come home so he's not left out)


Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:08

Snapped - it’s a tough one! They do have a great relationship he is just so close to his mum that it’d be impossible to match that. DP does find it hard at times but knows their relationship is still a very good one. Im hoping once DD is a little bigger and more fun he’ll want to come and see her and DP a bit more! But we’ll see

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:09

Pyjama - I did wonder what we should do about presents! So you save some for when they are all together?

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sollyfromsurrey · 02/11/2018 10:09

If DSSs mum doesn't like the arrangement and wants to spend all Xmas day with DSS, why not just go back to the old plan where DSS spends Xmas day with her and Boxing day with you? You can do Xmas with DP and DD with your family and then do a second special day on Boxing day so that DSS and DD feel like they still celebrate together. It isn't ideal that siblings don't spend Xmas day together but it is really not a big deal if both DSS and DD get to have a lovely Xmas with fun family and Boxing day together.


Lakersfan · 02/11/2018 10:09

I don't like the idea of being shuttled around Christmas Day. I would suggest DSS stays with his mum on Christmas Day and you collect him Boxing Day morning. Switching halfway through a day ruins it for everyone and no you shouldn't have to work your day around this.


ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/11/2018 10:10

I think if your DSS and his mum would genuinely prefer the arrangement you are suggesting and that works for your family too, that is somewhat different to your opening post that was suggesting everything be changed to suit your family.

Is seeing his son on Xmas Day something your partner specifically wanted when going to court?


Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:13

Solly- DP wants to see DSS on Xmas day. I understand why he does but it’s almost a bit unfair on DSS when you know he’d rather stay with his mum. I think one day which each works better (and then the kids essentially get two Xmas days!) but don’t want to suggest this to DP if I’m BU.

Lakers - totally agree. DSS gets collected just as the family party at his mums starts so misses out - we can’t plan particularly well for Xmas or Boxing Day and neither can his mum

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pyjamaparty1 · 02/11/2018 10:14

@Namechanged1212 we let our ds open most of his presents from us in the morning, then keep some by for when my dd and dss arrive, we also go to my family for Xmas dinner, so all of the presents from my family are kept until they are all together to open, and to be fair it's so much more relaxing even though we do miss them in the morning there isn't so much of a big rush around to do everything. Then Boxing Day we go to my dh's family and have a Xmas number 2!


Lakersfan · 02/11/2018 10:15

OP it sounds as though your OH is being selfish- ruining the day for his ex, his step son and you and your family just to prove the point of seeing DSS on Christmas Day. It's going to result in a stressful day for everyone when if he was being a grown up and putting his son first he would just agree to collect him on Boxing Day morning and alternate Christmas plans each year.

I know it's a sensitive subject but don't just give in to it.


sollyfromsurrey · 02/11/2018 10:15

It seems that the problem here is that DP is thinking more about what HE wants than what anyone else wants, including what DSS wants. DP needs to grow up and accept that it is not all about him.


Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:15

Ohreally - DP wants to see him on Xmas day regardless of what works for DSS or anyone else.
The court order was more about holidays abroad etc and Xmas was thrown in as an extra. So DP asked for alternate Xmas / boxing days. Mum said no unless you pick him up late afternoon (so the arrangement we have but every other year instead of every) judge thought that was unfair on DP and so ruled that it was that every year. So it wasn’t specifically what was requested or even close to it really

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CookingGood · 02/11/2018 10:16

As a child of divorced parents I used to dread Christmas.
We used to do the ‘half and half’ split, so xmas eve til 2pm with one then get brought back on Boxing Day lunch time. It was crap, the days felt rushed, and all about what my parents wanted instead of what was best for us. Carried on til age 10/11 when we asked to do a day each and it was so much better, I actually started to enjoy Christmas again.

I think your dh/his ex should sit down with their ds and ask what HE wants to do, and go from there.


longwayoff · 02/11/2018 10:19

Poor children. What's Christmas worth if the children aren't everyones first consideration?


KathyBates · 02/11/2018 10:20


I'm in a similar situation. 4 month old baby and DSD living 300 miles away in DHs home town. This means we have to spend all of Xmas at the in laws because seeing DSD is the priority. It means a lot to DH to see her on Xmas day and the entire family understand this (his and mine) and Christmas dinner/ visits are arranged for suitable times. It means I don't get to see my family at all, even for babies first Christmas.

As much as it's frustrating when I made the decision to be with DH I also took on DSD and understand her needs and relationship with her dad are the priority.

It would be easier this year to say what you have and just have her on Boxing Day however I am conscious of her feeling pushed out by new baby.

This should be DPs decision. Please don't make him feel guilty about seeing his own child on Christmas Day, your family are not a million miles away.


swingofthings · 02/11/2018 10:21

How honourable of you to make it that's is all about what dss wants and therefore is best for him when your motives are clearly about what suits you and your family. As said, go to your family early and let your OH spend time with his son before meeting you at your family.

Maybe he'll be happier coming on the day if he gets to spend time with his dad alone.


MissTerryShopper · 02/11/2018 10:21

But this is silly! The ONLY person who wants this is your DP. Everyone else is happier with DSS being at home with mum and family on Christmas Day (and we would also have his family party in the evening which he misses by coming to yours) and then he would come to you all day on Boxing Day which means you in effect have another Christmas Day and you dont have to cut the day with your family short.
I understand your DP wants to see him on the day but they could Skype or Facetime and having two full days one with each parent would be so nice for your DSS.


Feefeetrixabelle · 02/11/2018 10:22

Could your dp talk to his ex and maybe compromise so dss stays until 9pm with mum. Gets picked up and has Christmas night and Boxing Day day and night with dp.


Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:22

Longway - my DP definitely believes that he is doing right by his DS by seeing him on Christmas Day. I don’t think he has any realisation it might be better for him to have a second Xmas with us on Boxing Day as ‘he should see his son and his son should see his dad on Christmas day’

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:23

Kathy Bates - great post thank you helps put things in perspective

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Namechanged1212 · 02/11/2018 10:26

Swingofthings - DP does have another child too- DD - and I don’t think it’s a good habit to have where every Christmas he has to disappear for a few hours away from her / the rest of the family. I’ve said I’m not going to suggest anything that isn’t in best interests of DSS which is why I’ll see if we can host next year but I know 100% he would rather stay with his mum and come to us Boxing Day

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Rebecca36 · 02/11/2018 10:27

I think it's up to the boy to decide, he's old enough now. Let his decision be final and everyone else accept it.

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