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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband might find out about past "fling"

36 replies

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 06:22

A year before I started dating my now husband I was in a very bad way. I had no intention of seeing my 30's and had no emotion whatsoever. I think I was looking for a bit of excitement, or just something to try feel some emotion so I messaged a girl I knew and asked her out. We went on 2 dates and did nothing more than kiss when I realised it wasnt for me, I'm definitely straight. I told her I couldn't see her anymore and she got a bit upset saying she really liked me, I felt I had said my piece and didnt respond to the message apart from wishing her well. Last I heard she had moved to a different state. I put all that behind me and got married and some help and I'm very happy

Now 5 years later her brother just got a job where I work and I'm worried that if he mentions where he works she might mention me to him. My husband works in the same area as me so if it came out, everyone would know.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, I'm so worried. I think I'd like some advice on what to do/say if it does get brought up please

OP posts:

Whatsnewwithyou · 02/11/2018 06:24

In this day and age it is absolutely no big deal whatsoever that you kissed another woman a couple of times! I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Why would it be so bad if anyone knew about this?

Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 06:26

I work in a very "blokey" environment. I'm worried that it will get brought up often

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Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 06:27

Sorry for the drip feed, but I just remembered a so called friend told her I wasnt interested because she didnt have sex with me. Of course that was not the case at all. Just someone wanting to stir the pot

OP posts:

Raydan · 02/11/2018 06:30

Unless your husband is a homophobe, I don't see any issue.

Blanchedupetitpois · 02/11/2018 06:34

I don’t think this is an issue at all. You snogged someone before you knew your husband but didn’t pursue a relationship. The only possible way I could see this being a problem is if your husband is really homophobic - is he?

DearPrudence · 02/11/2018 06:36

You were single, it's no big deal. Try not to worry.

Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 06:37

Husband is definitely not a homophobe. I'm a very private person and dont like details about my personal life spread around. I suppose we don't get to control that though. I feel a bit guilty as if I should tell him, although it's really none of his business. I also feel bad for the woman, as if I lead her on. I probably did in some way, I had no ill intention however

OP posts:

Raydan · 02/11/2018 06:38

Genuinely not understanding the issue. Are you homophobic and therefore embarrassed?

MsHopey · 02/11/2018 06:49

I get being a private person but i really don't think a few kisses you had with someone else 5 years ago when you were single would make for great gossip. It's 2018 and any gossip about it would be unprofessional and I imagine disciplinary action could take place as you are worried about the work place.
Regarding your husband, i don't think the sex of the person you kissed should make any difference really. Most people experiment anyway and it's really not a big deal as you were single.

safetyfreak · 02/11/2018 06:49

I really do not understand the problem here? Nothing happened :/ i think this is more to do with your homophobic side coming out.

Your ashamed and in this day and age, it's silly.

Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 06:53

I'm not homophobic. I have a couple gay friends and I am very happy for them. I agree with another commenter that it doesn't matter the gender of the person. My workplace is very very jokey as it's in factory. I think you are all right, I'm being a bit silly.

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TheDodgyDunnyOfDoom · 02/11/2018 07:01

Just deny that anything happened because it didn't. Deny deny deny. This is much bigger in your head than in reality. Relax. If it's mentioned, deny it and laugh and move on.

ElainaElephant · 02/11/2018 07:07

If anyone told me gossip that was 'chocolate had a fling with another girl 5 years ago' I would be confused as to why they were telling me.

But if your husband does find out and asks your about it, just tell him the truth - it was just a couple of dates and was no big deal, in fact you'd all but forgotten it ever happened. And then ask if he has told you about every single person he has ever dated.

Dollymixture22 · 02/11/2018 07:09

You don’t want to be gossiped about - that’s totally understandable. But this really isn’t a big deal.

Why not tell hubby now - have a bit of a laugh about it. Then if the gossip gets out it won’t have a ps much power over you.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2018 07:12

Bear in mind that she might have no interest in raising the subject, even if she recognises your married name. You were someone she kissed five years ago, who lost interest in her: she might be in a happy relationship of her own now and have barely thought of you in ages.

If it does come up, just shrug and smile and say something like 'Oh, that was years ago'. If you make a fuss then people will perhaps take more of an interest, but this is so not a big deal (unless you are surrounded by homophobic, nosy, rude arseholes).

Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 07:18

Thanks everyone for the comments. You're right it's not a big deal at all. When hubby and I first started dating I told him I'd kissed a girl before, so I suppose he already kind of knows, just doesnt know the fine details

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dangerrabbit · 02/11/2018 07:22

It may not be a big deal to her and it’s possible she doesn’t even remember you.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/11/2018 07:23

" I imagine disciplinary action could take place as you are worried about the work place."

What? Disciplinary action for gossiping? I've never heard of that, unless the gossip was done to bully someone.

radioband · 02/11/2018 07:25

You can't worry about something that might or might not come out. If you 're that worries I'd speak to your husband and tell him about it. Personally I think you're worrying about nothing, it doesn't sound like a big deal at all.

Sethis · 02/11/2018 07:27

Jesus, the people accusing you of being homophobic are nuts.

I'm not homophobic, by any means.

However it doesn't mean that I want it being passed around the office rumour mill that I was in a gay relationship with another man. That kind of shit can cost you promotions if your boss is a dinosaur, to say nothing of the piss taking you can get from cretins.

It's sensible to be wary, but I doubt that you have anything to worry about from your husband.

Drogosnextwife · 02/11/2018 07:32

I'm sure her now dp won't go around the office talking about her past relationships, even if he does know. Why would he tell his colleagues? Or why would he tell your dh. Even if it did get back to your dh I can't really see it being a problem, you missed her a couple of times. Presumably you've had sex with other people before you met him. Is he bothered about that?

Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 07:42

Sethis, THANK YOU! All the managers at my work place are in their 50s and 60s, and I work with quite a few cretins.

My plan is to not mention anything to her brother and pretend nothing ever happened and hope for the best. Come to think of it, I think I'm just worried about the work place finding out, not so much DH

You're probably right dangerrabbit, our dates weren't very exciting

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hibbledibble · 02/11/2018 07:47

There is absolutely nothing to worry about. This is 2018: having been on a couple of dates with a woman is hardly the shocker you seem to think it is. The reality is that no one will care, because why should they?

Don't mention it. If anything is brought up, don't deny, as that way it looks like you are ashamed or have something to hide. Just say it is none of their business, which it isn't.

SouthWestmom · 02/11/2018 07:51

I think people are being really disingenuous actually. If you haven't ever presented to your husband as sexually experimental with women, him finding out now may well cause an issue.

If I found out my husband had snogged a bloke I'd want to know more - was he repressed, bi, what?

OTOH he has always known about my younger years so it's never been a surprise 'reveal'.

Original poster

ChocolateToffee · 02/11/2018 08:03

Noeuf, he told me he snogged his best mate in a game of spin the bottle and he definitely isnt homophobic so I dont see it being an issue with him

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