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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad we won’t have a third child

49 replies

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 22:39

I have two beautiful children and I know that makes me very lucky. However, I always pictured having three children. My husband always said he didn’t want three and that two is his ideal. He is an amazing father. Very hands on and dotes on them both. We had a discussion a couple of years ago about a third but he was absolutely against the idea. AIBU to now feel really sad about it and feel like I’ve missed my chance. I don’t think I’ll fully ever feel happy with this decision and I wish I’d fought harder for the third and now it’s too late. How do I make peace with this decision?

OP posts:

Alwaysawomantome · 01/11/2018 22:43

Me and my husband always decided on two. We were happy with that decision. When I had my second c section, I was told my womb could not support another pregnancy. This meant that the decision to have anymore was taken out of our hands and my husband had a vasectomy. I never wanted a 3rd but now the choose has been taken away from us, I feel incredibly sad that I will never be pregnant again or have another child. It's really hard. I have no advice on how to make peace with the decision, perhaps it will come in time, but you're allowed to feel sad about it.

Alwaysawomantome · 01/11/2018 22:43

Choice**

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2018 22:45

So many women would do anything to have what you do. A wonderful husband, two beautiful children and a secure life. It would be a shame to lose sight of how fortunate you are by allowing yourself to pine away over some fantasy of how you think things "should" have been. Appreciate what you have now, because it's a hell of a lot.

Drogosnextwife · 01/11/2018 22:51

I wanted 3, talked to do he agreed (didn't mind either way) once he agreed I made the decision myself not to do it. We can't really afford it and if ibhadbanother baby like my last I don't think I could cope, my mental health wasn't great act a dc2. I'm still pretty upset about that decision but it's for the best.

Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 22:54

I know I’m very lucky. My children are amazing (most of the time!) and we have no real issues. They get on so well together and that’s obviously not guaranteed to happen again. But, I can’t shake the feeling that I wanted to have another and I’ve now missed that chance. My children would love a little sibling too, so that’s not helping!

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QueenofmyPrinces · 01/11/2018 22:57

Sympathies

I’ve also had to accept that DH doesn’t want a third child whereas I would love one. I know a 3rd won’t happen, and I’ve come to terms with it, but it still makes me feel sad.

Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 22:59

Queen how did you come to terms with it? I’m sad you still feel sad.

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ChoudeBruxelles · 01/11/2018 22:59

I would have loved more than one however after spending 3 years. Trying to get pregnant with ds, a miscarriage and another 3 years unsuccessfully getting pregnant I feel very grateful for ds.

Your dcs may like the idea of a sibling but they will be fine without one. You’ll be fine without a third dc. Be grateful for what you have

LearnAsIgo · 01/11/2018 23:10

It's hard...you're grieving the child you can't have which is perfectly normal. I've been in a similar situation to you and it took me a long time to get over it. And, with that time, I did. Best wishes to you

Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 23:12

I’m worried I will resent my husband as he’s the one saying no.

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NoAngel1 · 01/11/2018 23:16

I thought I wanted 2 but now that I have them I’d love a third. But in reality, our quality of life would suffer. There’d be less time with each child individually and the logistics of working, childcare, school holidays etc would be that bit more difficult.

I don’t think I’ll ever ‘get over it’ but I spend a lot of time focusing on the advantages of the decision (the advantages for our family anyway). I know a few women who have struggled to have even one child and then I feel guilty for seeming ungrateful for what I have.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/11/2018 23:18

He has can legitimately say no to 3rd child.as hard as it is to hear
Of course he can’t be compelled to have a baby to appease you
It’s hard,but if one parent has doubts,doesn’t want you cant proceed

PurpleDaisies · 01/11/2018 23:19

I’m worried I will resent my husband as he’s the one saying no.

He’s always said no, if I’m reading your opening post correctly. It’s not fair to make this his fault. You knew that was his position before you committed to being with him.

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/11/2018 23:22

I’ve come to terms with it because I have no other choice. DH didn’t even want a second child really but he relented on that for my sake and do now it’s my turn to respect what he wants.

I get jealous when I see pregnant women, I ache at the thought of never seeing a second line on a pregnancy test again and never experiencing those amazing feelings associated with pregnancy and scans, just the whole wonderment of pregnancy really, and if I let myself dwell on it then I know it will make me feel upset and so I just force myself not to think about it.

I know how lucky I am to have two children as it took me a long time to convince my husband we should have a second, but I still have that longing for another. I hear some women talk about how they are ‘done’ and how strongly they feel when it comes to them saying they are finished having children and I wish I could feel like that. I don’t feel like I’m ‘done’ at all but I know that I am because there’s no way DH will agree to a third.

PipGoesPop · 01/11/2018 23:23

You make peace with the decision by reading your first sentence again and remembering that every time you have a negative thought on the matter. Every single time. No ifs or buts or maybes.

Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 23:23

I don’t really remember having a serious conversation other than we both wanted more than one child ideally. I said three he said two but at the time we had no children so had no idea what it would be like. People change their minds all the time. He is madly in love with our children and I (unfairly I know) am surprised he doesn’t want to do it again. But he doesn’t. So that’s the end of it. I just don’t see how that’s fair on me and what I wanted and how I shake this sadness.

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Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 23:25

Thank you so much to all of you who understand and have wise words for me.

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Fatasfook · 01/11/2018 23:26

Yabu.

Fatasfook · 01/11/2018 23:27

Posted too soon! yabu but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. Enjoy what you have!

PurpleDaisies · 01/11/2018 23:28

I just don’t see how that’s fair on me and what I wanted

So because he has a different opinion, he’s not being fair on you? He told you two, you chose to believe he would change his mind. He didn’t. He never said three and went back on it. You’re really not being fair here.

Counselling can help to get over not having the number of children you originally wanted.

Zoosie · 01/11/2018 23:30

What ages are your children?

From personal experience, the feelings will pass.

I have one of each and was desperate for a third until my youngest turned 3! DH totally against it and now I’m can say a third wouldn’t have been a good idea.

Once you pass the baby stage, it does get easier.

Be so glad for what you have! Don’t waste a second of precious time wishing for something that’s not going to happen.

ItsAndTarts · 01/11/2018 23:31

But where do you draw the line? What if you had three but really wanted four?
Sometimes you have to forget about what you haven't got/can't have and think how fortunate you are to have what you do have

Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 23:34

Purple sorry. I didn’t really mean “it’s not fair” in a stamping foot tantrum manner. One of us had to get their own way, there’s no compromise on this one. We either have a baby or we don’t. It’s just that I had an image in my head, what my family would look like and in my heart it’s not completed. It feels a little unfair that that’s tough luck and just how it has to be. I know deep down that my husband hasn’t done anything wrong, but it is his decision that’s stopping me having the family I envisaged.

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NoThatsNotMyName · 01/11/2018 23:39

Someday you could have four beautiful grandchildren to play with. All the fun of more children, but less work

ItsAndTarts · 01/11/2018 23:39

Your sounding a bit ridiculous now.
Some people don't have the family they envisage because they have to bury their child. Now that's not fair. Not having two healthy children

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