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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad we won’t have a third child

49 replies

NoTeaForMe · 01/11/2018 22:39

I have two beautiful children and I know that makes me very lucky. However, I always pictured having three children. My husband always said he didn’t want three and that two is his ideal. He is an amazing father. Very hands on and dotes on them both. We had a discussion a couple of years ago about a third but he was absolutely against the idea. AIBU to now feel really sad about it and feel like I’ve missed my chance. I don’t think I’ll fully ever feel happy with this decision and I wish I’d fought harder for the third and now it’s too late. How do I make peace with this decision?

OP posts:

WowOoo · 01/11/2018 23:40

Your dh has said he's totally happy with now and you say he's a great father. I listened to my dh and explained that while he wanted more, I had enough. It's worked out for the best. It's a 50/50 decision, so it's fair. There's no resentment, we are agreed that we would think about each other's opinions before we got together and had kids.

I don't know how you shake your sadness other than being the best parent you can be. You have extra time - for your relationship, for work, for the kids is how I see it now, looking back.

holasoydora · 01/11/2018 23:42

I have been in your position. I was desperately broody for a third from the minute DC2 was born and it didn't go away.

This time last year I had a realisation that we really wouldn't have a third and I spent an entire weekend feeling devastated and angry. I thought I would resent my DH too. It doesn't make sense. I also have two lovely DC, a lovely DH and a secure life. But it's how I felt. You just feel someone is missing and in my case I probably always will.

I still am sad in that I am also jealous of pregnant people and those with three children, but I am not now angry about it. I have accepted that that is how DH feels and it has to be a joint decision.

And actually, I am definitely less jealous now. My youngest is five now so I have moved into a new phase and it's quite a nice one.

holasoydora · 01/11/2018 23:45

I don't know how you shake your sadness other than being the best parent you can be.

I agree with this.

Girlfrommars77 · 01/11/2018 23:56

I think it’s quite unfair to say the OP should be grateful for what she has - she is. Many others have been through other difficult struggles or may have lost a child. That unbearable tragedy isn’t what her post is about, it’s about the OPs own sadness, which is legitimate in its own right.

OP - I think as your children grow older it will pass, and you make your focus tour two children you have and you need to accept your lovely family for being what it is. Don’t think ‘oh but what if’, accept your happiness in your happy family. That’s the way for them and you.

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 01/11/2018 23:59

I don't know why you are getting a hard time about this. You would like another child. You can't have one. You feel sad. It seems like a normal reaction to me.
I think you will feel better about it as your children get older and the age gap for any potential future siblings would become so wide it would feel like two separate families. I would have liked my DS to have had a brother but if I were to get pregnant tonight there would be an 11 year age gap between them so they wouldn't be brothers who play together and grow up together. If I had a baby now it would just curtail my DS's life. There are so many things that are difficult to do with a baby or toddler in tow. I don't know how old your children are now but maybe you could try to see the benefits to them of not having a baby about. If they are only little themselves now then you won't feel like this yet but you may start to as they grow older.

IlikebigbotsandIcannotlie · 02/11/2018 00:04

Why, would someone selfishly want a 3rd child these days? Get over yourself, we don’t need a 3rd mini me of you.

Holdingonbarely · 02/11/2018 01:16

Be thankful for what you have
Not all are as lucky as you

Talkingfrog · 02/11/2018 01:19

I can fully understand where you are coming from op.

We have a gorgeous and caring 7 year old. We were very fortunate (I didn't realise how much at the time), to have successful ivf on our first cycle.

Unfortunately three cycles later we have been unable to give her a sibling, so I have felt the same way you do.

The fact that the decision is taken out if your hands and you are not in control won't help either.

I went through every emotion I can think of and ended up having a counselling session (offered free after the treatment). As the counsellor said, you are grieving for something you never had, but it is still a form of grief and will take time to come to terms with. I tried to see the positives behind only having one child (more time with her, more space, cost etc) but they don't really make up for it. It does get better though.
It was a few years ago but I still struggle now when my daughter says she is sad she doesn't have/asks why she can't have a brother or sister, and I don't know what to say.

Yes, other people may not be as fortunate as you (I was often told I was lucky to have had one child - but usually by someone that had two children), but that doesn't mean that you can't be upset by your situation. It is not a competition as to whose situation is the worst.

Holdingonbarely · 02/11/2018 01:20

It’s not a competition. But blimey be grateful for what you have

Scrumplestiltskin · 02/11/2018 01:26

I still have that longing for another. I hear some women talk about how they are ‘done’ and how strongly they feel when it comes to them saying they are finished having children and I wish I could feel like that. I don’t feel like I’m ‘done’ at all but I know that I am because there’s no way DH will agree to a third.
This is how I feel. My youngest is now 6, but I still feel pangs of longing for another, and experience a renewed sadness and envy when I find out someone else is pregnant.
I realise it's irrational and selfish, and that what I have is amazing...but despite knowing that, I can't squash the feelings.
I have worked towards accepting it though, and while a year ago I was very emotionally raw with the intensity of my broodiness, now it's more of an occasional pang.
YANBU, OP, but give it some time and actively try to move through your feelings and process them all, and I think eventually you'll be contented with just what you have.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 02/11/2018 01:35

It's understandable to be disappointed. I think when your children get older it will get easier. I think you should tell him how you feel though. I wanted a big family, and my husband wasn't sure what he wanted. I felt while it's a compromise, it's not always something you are willing to compromise about. Had he said no after one child, I would have left, but if he said no more after two I would have accepted that.

Prettyvase · 02/11/2018 01:49

Short of him getting the snip there is no guarantee you won't have a third is there?

Original poster

NoTeaForMe · 02/11/2018 07:33

Thank you for everyone’s comments. Let me just clear up that I am very grateful for what I have. I love my children with all my heart and I know how lucky I am to have them. I’m not sure why that means I can’t be sad about not having another one though? I do think about all the positives about only having two and there are plenty, but this is a matter for the heart and that doesn’t always work so logically. I think I’ve just hit a bit of a low with this because my youngest is 5 (and a half 😉) so for me the opportunity has been missed as I wouldn’t want such a big age gap. I just feel sad about it. I’m not depressed or anything like that, my children wouldn’t know that I’m sad. None of this changes how I feel.

OP posts:

redross · 02/11/2018 07:39

I have 3 children. 3 under 5. My heart longs for a 4th. I'm only 25, my partner the same age but is waiting on an appointment for a vasectomy it feels so final and it hurts so bad

Mari50 · 02/11/2018 07:40

The feelings will pass, I would have liked 2 or 3 children, I have secondary infertility so spent several years hoping and wishing and being disappointed. I’m now 3 years past the point I realised that pregnancy would never happen (after 4 years of trying) and I’m very happy with my family. Dd and I have opportunities to do things together that we wouldn’t have if she had a sibling and dd has almost come to terms with having no siblings. She does tell me that she will be having a minimum of two children though.....
I appreciate what I have and don’t ponder on what I’d hoped for.

IncomingCannonFire · 02/11/2018 07:50

I too have a broodiness and would like a 3rd. Me and dh always said 2 was the perfect no for us, but ever since my youngest was born, I've wanted 1 more. My dh is all about the practicalities of a 2 child family which in my head I know makes sense but I can't help yearning for a third.
I'm trying to imagine how a third might mess up the relationship between my current two, increase the fighting, less time spent with them individually, etc.
Good luck.

ItsAndTarts · 02/11/2018 08:18

The thing is those who focus on what they can't/don't have will never be truly happy. Contentment only comes when you appreciate what you have not what you want. And two health children is a lot more than others will have

ItsAndTarts · 02/11/2018 08:19

Redross what do you think is missing in your life to make you want so many children so young?

redross · 02/11/2018 09:33

@itsAndtarts
Good question, for me I've never had a "good" birth and felt like I've missed out so would love one final chance to have everything how I want it. I've never managed to bf, again I'd want a final chance to actually do it, to push for more help. I have absolutely no family support, I want to change that for my children. I want them to have siblings they can go to (although I'm fully aware they may hate each other!) I dunno, just something about a fourth I'd feel complete. After my 2nd I said never again but now I've had my 3rd, it hurts to know I'd never get the chance to do it again. I'm not complete, not by a long shot.
Sorry I've derailed ops thread

QueenofmyPrinces · 02/11/2018 09:51

but I still feel pangs of longing for another, and experience a renewed sadness and envy when I find out someone else is pregnant.

I work in a hospital and to get to where I need to be I have to walk through a maternity entrance and I see lots of pregnant women having contractions and signing in at the desk, and I see the excited women who are signing themselves in for their planned sections and the sadness hits me all over again. I always see lots of women happily leaving the scanning rooms with their green notes and that makes me feel sad too.

I know I’m lucky to have what I do and I know I will never get a 3rd baby but it’s hard to accept that when it feels like someone is missing from the family.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/11/2018 14:30

I think you need to look ahead and consider what it will be like to parent three teenagers. Your children are primary school age now.

DD is 18 now. I found the primary school years by far the easiest. Once she got to secondary school she has had to deal with bullying, friendship issues, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS applications, work stuff.

As a teenager she has needed me on an emotional level far, far more than as a toddler or primary school age child. Do you really want to deal with this lot x 3? I haven't even mentioned the expense of 3 teenagers or supporting your children through university. Three young children is cheap in comparison.

gendercritter · 02/11/2018 14:42

I don't think anyone is going to have an answer for you though unfortunately. What can you do other than count your blessings? Give yourself time to grieve and maybe have some counselling if you're really struggling because you do have a right to your feelings. At the most extreme end some people would choose to go and find another partner to have a third but I don't think that's the best thing to do.

You say you're grateful but you really are very very very lucky. I have none and can't have any children full stop. I'd swap with you in a heartbeat. Who really gets everything they want in life? Very few people.

ItsAndTarts · 02/11/2018 14:50

Lol red derail away! I understand that my last birth was awful but I'm happy to leave it there in case it got even worse 😂

ItsAndTarts · 02/11/2018 14:53

As it is I have three kids who are all lucky enough to be born healthy and are great people. My youngest is growing up and I have songs of feeling sad that he's not a baby anymore. But I also have pangs of sadness about getting older myself, losing friends and loved ones and various other things we can do nothing about. I think that's part of life's rich tapestry the highs and lows we experience

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