Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask someone to give it to me straight RE cancer?

53 replies

RoyalChocolat · 01/11/2018 19:58

I'll try to make it short.
2 weeks ago my Mum was taken to hospital with stroke symptoms.
It turned out she has metastatic lung cancer, with tumours on her adrenal glands and at least 10 tumours in her brain.
The doctors keep fobbing us off - they have to wait for the results of the biposy, they could not perfom the biopsy, they cannot set a date for another biopsy... They are very evasive when asked if / when she can come home.
I have this horrible gut feeling that they know something that they don't want to tell us.
I am seven months pregnant with 3 DCs at home and I cannot visit her often (it is a long, expensive commute to her hospital and my maternity leave has not started yet).
AIBU to want to be told about her prognosis so that I can drop everything if she only has a few weeks left?

OP posts:
Fruitbatdancer · 01/11/2018 20:30

Sorry for the difficult Time you are having. It sucks. However please be aware sometimes they just don’t know- as everyone is different. I had to have a convo with a consultant when my aunt was hospitalised, my mum who was her next of kin was on hols over 12 hours away. I said to the consultant do I tel my mum to rush home. He said no, she won’t make it in time.
She made it back about 18 hours later and my aunt lived another 2 months.
I don’t blame the consultant. He gave me the best info he could, resulted in me having convos on phone with parents I never wish to repeat, but mum got her sister for another 2 months and cared for her till the end.
Take every moment it will be precious!

whywhywhywhywhyyy · 01/11/2018 20:37

You need to have your mum tell them that she is happy for everything to be discussed with you.

Predicting a prognosis is really difficult until it's close to the end, honestly. Most won't commit to it because some patients take it extremely literally and take it as a sign the doctor doesn't know anything when it's not dead on.

AugustRose · 01/11/2018 20:41

I'm sorry you are going through this and that your DM is so poorly. My Dad was told he had advanced lung cancer in July. He'd been ill and had had an x-ray, endoscopy and CT scan but had not been given the results until nearly 2 weeks later when I took him to the hospital as he was so ill.

It was almost a further 2 weeks, after another biospy that they confirmed the actual type of cancer and that it had spread to his lymph glands. He was offered chemo as a possiblity of slowing things down but it progressed quickly and he sadly died after the first chemo session - just 5 weeks after the diagnosis.

The reason I am telling you is that you asked when to tell your children, it will depend on whether they will see your DM. I agree with justmyself you don't know how quickly things will change and my dad was so weak, I told my DC as soon as we got the diagnosis (they are 22, 16, 11 and 7).

Spending as much time as possible with her will make a big difference to you later, although I understand that is difficult for you at the minute.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 01/11/2018 20:45

I am not asking for an exact prognosis - honestly - and I understand that sometimes the doctors feel they are damned if they do and damned if they don't, but I would like to know if we are more likely looking at weeks or years.
But they will not tell anything. They only ever speak about a "suspected cancer" because they don't have the results from a biopsy, and then the biopsy is delayed endlessly. They say they cannot give a prognosis or even discuss possible treatments if the cancer is not confirmed officially. They wouldn't be stalling like that if there was a chance the cancer could be treated, would they?

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/11/2018 20:46

My father had a stroke and went to the hospital, and they found six tumors on his brain. His was melanoma, which grows very quickly. They started radiation, but he never left the hospital; he died 30 days after he went in. I was pregnant too, and had my son in between my dad going into the hospital and him passing away. It was very difficult, and I'm so sorry.

MarianneAgain · 01/11/2018 20:47

Désolée, Royal.... it doesn't look good and frankly I think you should see your generaliste (GP) and explain the situation so they can sign you off work sooner rather than later to enable you to spend as much time as possible with your Mum.
Flowers Flowers Flowers

Beamur · 01/11/2018 20:48

In my experience (Mum died from cancer nearly 3 years ago) Doctors gave no timescales except to acknowledge it was terminal.
The best advice was from the Macmillan nurse. She said, if there is significant change in health on a weekly basis, she probably has weeks to live, monthly - then monthly.
My Mum (who had a long history with cancer, starting maybe 12/13 years previously with breast cancer) died within 3 months of significant spread (brain, bone, liver, stomach, pretty much all the major organs) but was actually reasonably well for much of that.
Sorry you're going through this. If it is terminal, look at the Winstons Wish info and don't conceal what going on from your kids. My DD was 8 and was totally brilliant, it was tough, but she appreciated the honesty.

Missingstreetlife · 01/11/2018 20:49

See the doctor with her, ask for appt or go to ward round, then you can ask anything. Obvs it is her info. Sorry for you all.
I think you should talk to your kids about it, things happen unexpectedly and they should be prepared, say they love her.....they will pick stuff up and worry if you keep secrets. Be direct and honest, don't faff about.
Winstons wish and Macmillan have website, helpline

bertielab · 01/11/2018 20:50

It's not looking good. The doctors may not tell you -at 7 months pregnant -you need to show them you want to reality and to accept it -no sobbing etc -or they won't 'give it to you straight'

We are medical - so beautifully honest and direct here from a very young age. Everyone dies. Memories live on -love lives on. No they don't haunt us. Some people believe in heaven -some don't. Ask Granny what she thinks? etc Bodies die -nutrients go back into soil -and for those aged over 8 a bit of the carbon cycle and science thrown in!

My children don't have a problem with tears, emotions and birth or death. They understand about migration. They answer the circle of life. They understand that it's ok to grieve, be cross and deal with emotions when animals -people die as life is beautiful sometimes fair sometimes not.

bertielab · 01/11/2018 20:52

Try not to use terms such as 'go to the other side' or pass away or move on -unless you have the afterlife conversation..............

When I explain death to children -we talk about the body and the soul /person being too different things. Children understand that -the physical bit and the 'what makes you, you ' bit. PM for more advice.

mumto2babyboys · 01/11/2018 20:52

@RoyalChocolat

They will be able to tell from the mri

The cancer has spread to serval sites and it will continue to spread now.

Doubtful they will do chemo but it's always offered to a patient. Sometimes the chemo and radiation kills them quicker than the cancer would have but usually...

chemo would have been started ASAP so she could already be on an end of life pathway in the hospital

You need to discuss getting her home or to a hospice

Frouby · 01/11/2018 20:53

Hugs OP. All I can say is that my sister was told repeatedly her biopsy was inconclusive. It turned out that they were pretty certain it was cancer (thyroid) but the needle hasn't actually picked up cancerous cells. The scans were 90% accurate but they needed the actual cancer cell on the end of the needle to confirm.

I hope it isn't but hugs anyway because it's shit.

Mummyshark2018 · 01/11/2018 20:54

I would tell your kids a scaled back version- eg, nanny is quite poorly and the doctors are trying to find out how best to help her. We're not really sure whether they can help her but we all really hope that she gets better soon. When I know more I will tell you but I'm the meantime I don't want you to worry, she has lots of good people looking after her'. Then try and get nanny to send a text/ phone call if she's up to it

Mummyshark2018 · 01/11/2018 20:55

Given their ages (esp oldest 2) i would tell your kids a scaled back version- eg, nanny is quite poorly and the doctors are trying to find out how best to help her. We're not really sure whether they can help her but we all really hope that she feels better soon. When I know more I will tell you but In the meantime I don't want you to worry, she has lots of good people looking after her'. Then try and get nanny to send a text/ phone call if she's up to it

Booboostwo · 01/11/2018 20:57

I am very sorry to hear about your mum.

France is a different world when it comes to medicine. My experience is that public health care is very well funded and if they’re think you should get a treatment you get it and you get it fast, but the doctors are very paternalistic. They are used to making decisions on behalf of patients, they don’t share information and they don’t tell you all the options. In my experience the way around this is another doctor. Get your mum’s généraliste to call up, they will talk with him (her?) and he (she) can tell you.

mumto2babyboys · 01/11/2018 20:58

If she is to stay in hospital with your family visiting, then ask for a private room.

Not guaranteed but worth asking for just in case

MrsArdvark · 01/11/2018 21:00

Hi @Royal sorry to read your news. I live in France and as @marianne has said, you can go to a medecine generaliste (preferably your mum's "medecine traitante" or declared doctor if you know who that is ). Your mum should have the MRI results - in France these belong to the patient - if not, ask for them. You can take these to the doctor and ask for an honest assessment. It might get you some extra information to help you decide what's best to do.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 01/11/2018 21:00

Thanks everyone.
I am going to ask my consultant if I can be signed off work early (I only have 2 more weeks to go).
I have always been honest with my DCs - they know how babies are born, they know people die, and we have had the "some people believed in heaven, others don't" conversation.
I am going to try to get some rest now (I haven't slept a lot lately and I am knackered tonight).

OP posts:
TurkeyBear · 01/11/2018 21:02

I think your Mum knows OP. She just doesn't want to tell you as you're 7m pregnant.

Letsgetreadytorumba · 01/11/2018 21:02

@mumto2babyboys

Macmillan don’t give hands on care, they fund NHS posts. Marie Curie are palliative care nurses who give overnight support.

Op I’m so sorry, it sounds like a horrible situation. I’m not familiar with the French system but I hope you can have a frank conversation with the nurses/doctors FlowersFlowers

Penguinsetpandas · 01/11/2018 21:06

I would say to the doctors you want to know. I'm really sorry but would assume the worst and would take leave now and be with her. I would be honest with DCs but there's no right or wrong. It could be your Mum doesn't want tests as she knows the prognosis is very bad.

My husband is French and the care is very good. If there's anything you need to know about the system I can ask him. He does all his care over there and his Dad had cancer. You could also try asking a doctor over here, obviously can't give exact answer but might be able to say if likely to be weeks or years. I have no medical knowledge but my uncle it was weeks with similar diagnosis.

Harmonyrays · 01/11/2018 21:13

Take the time with your dear mum now, make more memories, tell her how much she means to you, talk about all the happy times you've had. I lost my dad to metastatic cancer in may, he was diagnosed in Feb, had radiation therapy in March and 10 days later had a massive stroke. It took weeks to get him discharged home so he could be with family at the end. He passed away peacefully 3 weeks later. I took my kids out of school for nearly a month to be by his side...don't regret one second of it. Health professionals who know your mum may be more willing to give more of a prognosis than cancer specialists. My dad's gp was much more open and honest about time frame and was more accurate than the cancer doctor. My thoughts are with you, it's so tough.

Gabilan · 01/11/2018 21:14

Although there's no Macmillan in France (that I'm aware of) there are similar cancer charities set up to support friends and relatives. I hope they can help you OP. From what you've said, I would be spending as much time with your mother as possible.

MarianneAgain · 01/11/2018 21:16

@RoyalChocolat
You may find this link helpful

cancersupportfrance.org/

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/11/2018 21:22

Former oncology nurse here. I’m sorry to hear about your dear Mum. I’m afraid that her prognosis would appear to be bleak. I’m of the opinion that it would not be worth doing biopsies at this stage, especially not of her brain. Why put her through something when it won’t affect the outcome? I suspect that any intervention now would be of no benefit to her and if she was my Mum I would want her to be pain free and comfortable for the time she has left. I would also get up to spend time with her if you can. Best wishes to you both. 💐