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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toxic MIL regarding dc birthday

33 replies

StressedToTheMaxx · 01/11/2018 19:39

Mil to be expects to see our son on his birthday/ Xmas day.
That in itself would be fine as we do an open house type thing at dcs birthdays for anyone to visit that day. And at Xmas we are happy to visit family.
But there is huge back story with mil.

I am not welcome in her house and she is not welcome in ours- some of the many reasons further down
So the issue is df and I want to spend the full day with ds and not have to act like a separated couple sharing a child.
Ex and i share my older dds special days etc...... Only right dd has 2 parents.
We don't want to be separated as we are a unit. Why should we have to. But every event we have the text of "can you bring him up" and we are the bad guys and a barrage of abuse is flung at us.

Backstory

My mil-to-be I am pretty sure is a narcissist.
•She has hates me as I have a child from a previous relationship.

•Dp moved into my fully furnished flat and she called me a gold digger because I expected him to pay his way in my home/our home. She wanted him to live with me free and still pay towards her house
-even though she has never had a job a day in her life-

•Df took dc to see her on our sons first birthday without me and she text me abuse afterwards saying I was controlling as they only stayed for 2 hours. - I was at home by myself

•She tired to jump over my son in his pram to attack me when I pointed out many of her lies.

•She laughed when we miscarried as I couldn't trap her son properly. We planned the baby. Angry this incident alone I will never forgive not that she thinks she did anything wrong.

•She always make herself the victim no matter what happens and twists everything to suit her own story of what happened.

•If she doesn't get her own way is high drama situations and a total nightmare for all....until She gets her way. And an apology.

•Fil and sil live with her and side with her on everything.(Df used to be on her side until he finally seen her true colours. )

•She only contacts when she wants something. And it's more of a demand than an asked and it's always to do as I don't exist to her.

If you made it through that thank you

So is there a way to stop the guilt trip text etc or AWBU for wanting to spend the full day together without splitting up.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/11/2018 19:45

I'm usually on the side of MILs because I am one, but in this case the woman sounds mad as a box of frogs. I'd be doing my best to stay well out of her way, Chrismas, birthdays and any other time. Just ignore her. She's forfeited the right. What happens to your older DC when the younger one sees this woman?

mytieisascarf · 01/11/2018 19:45

I wouldn't let my child anywhere near someone who tried to physically attack me. What if he does something she doesn't like - will she swing for him too?

Lottiebird · 01/11/2018 19:47

You’re definitely not being unreasonable! She sounds like a horrible person. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to stop the guilt trip texts but try to focus your energy on your little family, they are much more deserving than her!

Allthewaves · 01/11/2018 19:48

Could dp not take him up in the evening after dinner.

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/11/2018 19:49

She sounds mad. Dh can take your son over on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day likewise either the day before or after his birthday. If she wants to be more involved she will have to pack it in with the crazy won’t she.

He’s your child. She can want til she is blue in the face.

Uggywuggy · 01/11/2018 19:51

If I had to deal with all of that OP, I wouldn’t care how many guilt trip texts she sent!! The answer would be no!! Special days are for family, who care for and love each other.

She doesn’t fit that definition. I’d ignore, ignore, ignore. I’ve gone NC with MIL and SIL (similar reasons) and the change to my stress levels is amazing!! I’m much happier.

If you can’t do that, make time on Boxing Day. She doesn’t get the right to see your child on Christmas Day if she can’t be civil to you. And if anybody questions it, don’t explain etc. None of their business!!

Enjoy your Christmas Day with your family.

Whereismumhiding2 · 01/11/2018 19:51

MIL can expect what she likes but doesn't mean you or OH have to do it. This is your DS and his birthdays and Xmas are important times. She can see DS/OH on Boxing day or day before/after his birthday if you want to make cosy plans with OH and DS.

I adore my DParents but it even they don't see my DC on their birthdays! That's our special time together and I'm not running around for other people at all that day.

Frankly your MIL sounds horrid , and abusive to you. I'm surprised your OH spends anytime with her with DS, the gloating over your miscarriage is plain nasty.

Ginger1982 · 01/11/2018 19:59

Why is there any contact at all if you're not welcome in each other's houses?

SandAndSea · 01/11/2018 19:59

From what you've written, I wouldn't send my DC to be with her without me and I wouldn't want to have any contact with her either.

Calling you controlling etc when you had actually forfeited being with your DC on their 1st bday, sounds unreasonable to me (and nasty). Sadly, you can't reason with the unreasonable. You have to learn to not let it hook into you. Blocking etc helps with all that.

Given you're still having problems with her, I'm guessing your DF hasn't been able to spell it all out for her yet, in which case (as they say), "you've got a partner problem".

SandAndSea · 01/11/2018 20:03

She laughed when we miscarried as I couldn't trap her son properly. We planned the baby.

This is just awful. How bad does it have to get?

Fridaydreamer · 01/11/2018 20:03

Please nay I gently ask, if she’s done the things you list above, why does your DP consider it a good idea to let her anywhere near your child?

My MIL did less than that and DH has nothing to do with her and neither does DD.

RandomMess · 01/11/2018 20:03

Yep your DF has to sort this, realistically the only way sounds as if it's going to work is to go NC.

Original poster
StressedToTheMaxx · 01/11/2018 20:03

Oh and I forgot she also has a serious her at problem and bowel problem. But night need medicated and only get mentioned when she is arguing with someone strangely. Hmm

OP posts:
Hoopaloop · 01/11/2018 20:10

Kick her in her jammy dodger 👍

Original poster
StressedToTheMaxx · 01/11/2018 20:13

Df and dc are low contact. I am not contact. I struggle after the miscarriage comments but thankfully the were said when I was less raw about it. Had it been straight after it would have been a different case.
Trying to answer questions.
Sometimes my dd will go it just demand on her clubs routine. I give them credit they treat the 2 the same. Never buy one without the other and try to make my dd included when they are with her.
She is just nits the rest of the time.

Df takes the dc to them. I stay at home.
Df really does support me and the visits are on my way etc. He never forces but he still feels guilt about his parents not see If the dc. I suppose he always will regardless of what they/She do/does.

We always send them the week of the event but it's just we like to spend the event together.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedToTheMaxx · 01/11/2018 20:17

Hoopaloop I have been tempted many a time 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedToTheMaxx · 01/11/2018 20:21

mytieisascarf She never has the dc alone df is always there nither of us are comfortable with her having them alone.

OP posts:
cheesefield · 01/11/2018 20:23

Sounds like she doesn't deserve to have a relationship with your children.

She sounds sick and toxic.

confusedmomm · 01/11/2018 20:24

I wouldn't let her anywhere near my kid

puzzledlady · 01/11/2018 20:24

Ditch her - she sounds fucking crazy and potentially dangerous.

Tistheseason17 · 01/11/2018 20:41

YANBU

Original poster
StressedToTheMaxx · 01/11/2018 20:45

I would happily cut her off completely as I do not see any good qualities she could teach the children.
But df feels differently obviously as it's his dm. so she is low contact with the dc. Maybe 7 visits a year at present.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 01/11/2018 20:58

I would not let her anywhere near DC. If your fiancé wishes to see his mother, then he can go by himself. Your duty is to protect your DC and he should not be exposed to such a nasty woman. She has tried to physically assault you and emotionally abuses you.

coconutpie · 01/11/2018 20:58

If your DP feels different then HE can go see her but your DC should not be exposed to her terrible abusive behaviour.

DeRigueurMortis · 01/11/2018 21:08

Actions and consequences....

Her behaviour means she doesn't get to dictate anything.

She can demand to see your DS as often as she likes but your partner (I'm assuming Dear Fiancée as opposed to Dear Father which is the normal meaning of the abréviation - which does make your posts a bit confusing at first) is still facilitating them.

Behaving as she has towards the mother of her child should not mean you are "disadvantaged" by having to spend time away from your son at Xmas/Birthdays - even for a few hours.

This is what your partner is enabling - she's still not receiving consequences for her poor behaviour. She'd still "winning" by having what she wants; access on key days to her son and grandson without having to deal with you, knowing you are the one missing time with with your family unit.

I'm going to sound harsh but I wouldn't want my child to have anything to do with her. If your partner wants to maintain contact that's up to him, but I don't think it's at all heathy for you son to have a relationship with someone who has no respect for his mother.

What message does that send to your son? It's ok to treat his mother appallingly? What happens when she starts bad mouthing you to him? You can't police what happens because you are not there.

In your place I'd be telling my partner that your primary family unit tops trumps his mother and until she is prepare to serious change her attitude then far from dictating when contact happens with your son, she'll have none at all.