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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and pregnant

27 replies

Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 21:08

So I recently found out I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I'm 3 weeks before a good friends wedding. I'm actually a bridesmaid but she knew I was trying for a baby and I will probably end up having to back out. She has bought our dresses fairly cheaply and we have bought our own shoes etc. I will of course pay her for my dress.

Anyway what I want to know is Aibu to not tell her I am pregnant until I've had a scan to check all is okay? I've had previous losses and am very anxious about this pregnancy. She wasn't the most understanding last time and asked me not to try again until after her wedding (I explained that I wouldn't be doing this and she knew when she asked me to be BM that I could fall pregnant before the wedding). I haven't had a formal invite etc yet and I know she hasn't done the guest list so I am not affecting numbers at this point. I know she has prebooked for 60 guests and she is struggling to whittle her list down. I will tell her before she sends out her invites so she is aware I may not make it to the wedding. Or will I be okay after 3 weeks to go to it? I've never had a baby so don't know what to expect in terms of things like this!!!! Any advice would be fab :-)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 21:15

Why would you have to back out? You'll only be 12 weeks pregnant, and basing future events on things that could happen, such as a miscarriage, is just silly and unnecessary. Go forward with a positive attitude and allow life to play out however it will. If you end up not being able to attend at the last minute, so be it. These things happen in life.

Violetthewitchesmum · 31/10/2018 21:15

Congratulations! I can’t believe she asked you not to try again until after the wedding! Shock

Surely you can still be bridesmaid so long as you are happy to? She can’t not want you as a bridesmaid just because you are pregnant can she? Hope the scan goes well.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 21:16

Oh sorry! I just realized you left out "due", but my advice is the same. Let life work itself out.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/10/2018 21:18

Why would you have to back out? You'll only be 12 weeks pregnant

@Aquamarine1029 I think OP means she will be due 3 weeks before as no invites etc have been sent out yet.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/10/2018 21:18

X posts

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 21:19

@SillySallySingsSongs

I know. I've already addressed this.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/10/2018 21:19

@Aquamarine1029 which I have already acknowledged. Wink

Caspiana · 31/10/2018 21:20

I don’t think you can commit to going 3 weeks after your due date. You don’t know when the baby will come or how your birth will be.

If you tell her after your scan she will still have 6 months notice which is perfectly fine in my opinion.

Congratulations and good luck with the pregnancy Smile

cadburyegg · 31/10/2018 21:22

YANBU, wait until your 12 week scan.

I wouldn’t go to a wedding 3 weeks after having a baby, personally.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 21:23

Sorry for the confusion! Yes I am due 3 weeks before the wedding :-) I just can't type 🙈 I'm worried about telling her tbh as I think she will just say ohhh you'll be fine to bring baby etc. She hasn't got any children and when I lost my last baby she compared it to the loss of her pet. She is a lovely person just a bit immature and not always considerate of others points of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 21:24

Oh and thank you for all the well wishes!!

OP posts:
possumgoddess · 31/10/2018 21:26

Do you mean you are due 3 weeks before the wedding? In which case you have to hear in mind that your baby could be late ( both mine were), and you may possibly still be a bit sore and not quite back at your previous size (I never got back to my previous size). However I agree see my sister's wedding with a 3 week old and it gave me a great excuse for sitting down and having drinks brought to me!😁 (no alcohol though as I was breast-feeding 😞) I would wait a few weeks to tell her anyway.

Of course, if I've got the wrong end of the stick and the wedding is 3 weeks from now, since it is your first baby you may find that your shape has hardly changed at all and you can still get into your bridesmaids dress. I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to go and if you were considering refunding her for the cost of the dress, perhaps you could just get one in a bigger size if necessary and she won't even have to know! Just keep off the alcohol and avoid all the things pregnant women aren't meant to eat nowadays, you will be fine.

possumgoddess · 31/10/2018 21:28

Urgh ' agree see'! Should be attended.....

MatildaTheCat · 31/10/2018 21:29

It makes no difference to her if you wait for your scan before you tell her. Do whatever makes you most comfortable.

When you do tell her be completely upfront that you hope to be there but obviously there are no guarantees. Let’s hope one day she will look back and cringe at telling you not to conceive until after her wedding.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 31/10/2018 21:30

Wait until after your 12 week scan. It would be advisable for her to have someone else In your place. Don't worry about her not understanding. She will understand when she has her own children.

Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 21:31

Would I not be unreasonable to not give her a definite answer though? Because then she will have to pay for our places and we might not even attend?

I swing between thinking she is a good friend and I should make the effort to go even for just the meal and being panicked that I'll be an absolute mess 🙈😂

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sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 31/10/2018 21:32

Also cannot believe she told you to wait until after her wedding Shock It doesn't matter how immature she is, she sounds self absorbed.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 31/10/2018 21:33

Give her a definite answer... no. You will not need this stress, trust me. Say you hope to be able to attend as a guest but obviously will have to play it by ear.

Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 21:37

I'll try and have a proper chat with her after my scan :-)

@sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch yes I was pretty gobsmacked...she just isn't the most thoughtful...she thinks I'm trying at the moment and commented that I need to relax more this time about everything (because I'm not drinking etc). I don't think she gets that because of my previous loss I'm even more anxious!

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MemorylikeDory · 31/10/2018 21:42

I'd say telling her after your 12 week scan would be plenty of time.
If you're due 3 weeks before the wedding, you could technically go over 2 weeks so you could possibly have a 1 week old baby. I know I couldn't sit down for at least 2 weeks after having my DC but everybody is different.
I'd like to think if you're a good enough friend to be a bridesmaid you're a good enough friend to give an invite to and it being a case of if you can make it then fantastic but if not then that's fine too.

Jellybabie3 · 31/10/2018 21:43

I agree to waiting til after the scan. I would put it to the back of your mind whatever as you don't need this stress at all for something rather trivial (I say that because its bizarre she asked you to wait so she shouldn't be a high priority in my opinion!!) . my son was also 2 weeks late so I agree that you may be in no state as it were to go either Congratulations on your pregnancy I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months Flowers

Hazandduck · 31/10/2018 21:57

I had similar comments OP from a “friend” after losses she said “don’t try again until after your wedding coz if you lose that one it’ll ruin your wedding.” Those exact words Hmm Angry Little did she know I was already pregnant and ended up being 7 months pregnant on my wedding day 🤗😁 Drives me mad that people think the decision to try again after a miscarriage could be taken so lightly, it takes a lot of strength to potentially face that heartbreak again. I totally understand why you’d not want to tell her yet. I’d say wait for your scan and tell her when you are ready. She’ll get over it and if she doesn’t...she’s not that great a friend! Good luck with your scan and pregnancy x

Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 21:58

Thanks everyone :-) if all is well I'll decline being a bridesmaid and say I'm unsure if we will be able to come or not and ask if it's okay to see closer to the time 😁

@MemoryLikeDory I hope I can sit down 🙈 so excited and desperate for baby but also terrified!

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Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 31/10/2018 22:01

@Hazandduck yes I completely agree! It's like people don't understand at all unless they've been through it themselves. This is actually my third pregnancy (two previous mc) and after my last one I had so many comments of ohh you should have a break now, or ohh you just need to relax 😡😡 the only thing that gets me up on a morning is that we are actively working towards having a healthy baby. I get that some people find it therapeutic to have a break but it just wouldn't work for us !

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Bimgy85 · 31/10/2018 22:25

Depends how you are with morning sickness
I was only 8 weeks pregnant before and I had severe morning sickness, could not leave the house without being sick, could barely eat / drink anything without throwing up.

(I had a termination, obviously not due to those reasons)

But I cannot bear to imagine how I would have been months into the pregnancy if I was housebound all those weeks. Everyone is so different though, do you suffer with morning sickness?

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