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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend declined my invite because she wanted “to have fun” !

60 replies

GhoolsGoblinsandGobshites · 31/10/2018 20:08

AIBU to be a bit hurt by this ?

I have 2 DC aged 7 and 9.

Every year on Halloween , we have a party tea and play party games at home.

We dress up but we don’t go trick or treating as a) not many houses take part here and b) I feel uncomfortable about it.

I do take the DC to the neighbours we’re very good friends with who kindly give them sweets but that’s about it.

I also do mini party bags for the boys and get sweets in for any trick or treaters (we never get any !)

Both my boys seem to enjoy our Halloween.

I invited my elder son’s friend to join us today and told him what we had planned. His mum scoffed and said “oh no thank you, we want to actually have some fun !”

I don’t think she meant it menacingly but it stung a bit (competitive parenting rearing it’s head ?!) .

It’s got me thinking whether my boys are “missing out “ because we don’t trick or treat .

When I was a child, my siblings and me did it and enjoyed it but I feel differently now I’m older .

If we did decide to do it , we would probably have to walk for miles to find a house participating or drive to another area - which is ridiculous!

Does our Halloween sound rubbish?

The mother then turned up with her child to trick or treat at our house - They were passing in the car so thought they’d pop in!

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 20:34

My friend puts on a lovely Halloween party every year. A few days ago. Both my older ds's didn't want to go. I was embarrassed, but if they don't want to, what can you do?

I would prefer to go trick or treating!

RayRayBidet · 31/10/2018 20:35

She was rude.
I have a party as well.
If she didn't fancy it she should have just said thanks but we already said we'd go trick or treating, but we might call in for a bit while doing that

pteradactyl · 31/10/2018 20:37

She was very rude. If her son doesnt actually enjoy your party she could have asaid "thanks for the invite but we already have plans", like anyone with half an ounce of politeness would. Rude!!
Fwiw I was never allowed to go trick or treating. It did used to bother me as a child, but I can confirm I am not emotionally scarred as a result

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 20:37

Your Halloween sounds absolutely lovely and your boys will have such lovely memories of it. They're very lucky. i don't think much of people who scoff at others' treasured family traditions and certainly wouldn't listen to anyone who derided one of ours (actually i'd be hurt, like you, but I wouldn't change anything).

Enjoy your Halloween with your family and sod the miserable baggage. I bet you all ds2's sweets you'll have more "fun" than her, because you're a nice person and you'll be spending it with people you like :)

Dollymixture22 · 31/10/2018 20:38

She was rude. I don’t think it sounds that great for children who are used to the whole trick or treat experience, but it was kind of you to invite her and she should have been gracious when she declined the invite

Eyep · 31/10/2018 20:42

Another saying she was a rude cow.
I went trick or treating a few times - it was fun for the first 20 minutes but then it got cold and a bit boring, jostling with others for little fun size treats which I never really liked anyway.
We had a Halloween party every year and I loved it much more than trick or treating- for one thing I could have a say in the treats we got in for it so knew I'd actually like all the sweets!
Your party sounds properly fun and if your boys are happy then why bother with what others think?

dontgobaconmyheart · 31/10/2018 20:42

Fun is so subjective OP, based on that truth it's really not worth getting upset about what this person has said or feeling you need to justify what you or your own family find to be fun. Your friend was rude to have said what she said how she said it but perhaps she and her family consider a rowdier time out of the house to be what they think is fun and that's why she feels yours is 'boring'. Either way who cares- enjoy your lovely evening with your family. Is she always like this?

Original poster
GhoolsGoblinsandGobshites · 31/10/2018 20:42

Thanks for all the nice comments , I feel better about it now Smile

I do think next year as DS1 will be 10, we will go to an arranged party instead.

OP posts:
daisypond · 31/10/2018 20:42

Your party sounds great. I would never think trick or treating is fun anyway. We didn't do it as children. We always had great Halloween parties at home - with party games - apple bobbing and so on - and they were really fab.

3boysandabump · 31/10/2018 20:45

She was very rude. Even if she didn't want to go she could have just gave an excuse like she'd promised to go trick or treating with someone else.

Feel free to invite my kids next year and save me from the hell that is trick or treating. My kids love it but we live on a big estate where every other house is decorated and getting round it all takes ages. I was glad when the baby got a bit crabby tonight so I had an excuse to call it a night.

If you and the dc have a good time carry on doing what you're doing and don't bother inviting her again

BifsWif · 31/10/2018 20:45

Your Halloween sounds lovely OP, your DC will have lovely memories as they grow up.

Your friend is a bitch.

Polkasq · 31/10/2018 20:46

I think a party at home with games sounds much nicer than Trick or Treat. I hope you told her you weren't giving out sweets because you were too busy having fun!

She sounds rude and smug, and I bet she has always been the type to sneer at what others may enjoy.

Original poster
GhoolsGoblinsandGobshites · 31/10/2018 20:48

No , she is genuinely a lovely friend!

I think the words left her mouth before she realised what she was saying .

I may have taken it too sensitively Blush

I do often find it hard to keep up with other families as DS2 is disabled (but not obviously so) , so I feel the expectations of us and what we enjoy / do are perceived to be the same as what other families do.

In reality , life is so much harder as DS2 doesn’t enjoy “normal” things .

In my quest to feel like a “good fun parent” like everyone else I struggle to keep up with doing all the “fun” things whilst also keeping it within DS2’s needs.

It’s just rather overwhelming and a bit rubbish at times when reality sinks in and I end up feeling like we’re boring or too strict or too rigid Sad

OP posts:
Jlynhope · 31/10/2018 20:50

I totally want to give you a hug because it's obvious you love your kids and try very hard.
If she's generally a good person just ignore her temporary foot in mouth moment. I imagine she is embarrassed by what she said if it is out of character for her.
Your Halloween sounds lovely. Flowers

WritingPaperSucks · 31/10/2018 20:52

Sounds like she is not a friend(((

SassitudeandSparkle · 31/10/2018 20:52

I am so old I predate the trick or treating tbh and had similar apple-bobbing type parties when I w'kid, but I do take my DD trick or treating because she likes it - she's been to a party tonight where they all went trick or treating. A lot of people round here participate.

It seems a bit strange OP that you liked doing it yourself but won't take your children so while I don't think your party is dull by any means, perhaps a little guilt made the comment sting (it definitely wasn't polite!). I appreciate that it can be a bit nerve-wracking for the parent letting them knock on doors but they do love it.

Is there really nowhere near you that puts the pumpkin outside and gets a bowl of sweets ready? I think people travel to our estate because so many do it!

shadypines · 31/10/2018 20:53

My best childhood memories of Halloween are parties at home. Bobbing for apples etc. Not traipsing around the cold dark streets

Agree. Your friend doesn't sound very nice from this snapshot.

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 20:53

We are one of those families that can't always do everything other families are doing too OP. We have a lot of quirky family traditions and work-arounds as a result, which I have come to love dearly. I think more families than we realise are in similar positions for one reason or another.

One of the things I'm learning at the moment is just how many hang-ups, preconceptions and expectations I have of myself as a parent and of family life in general, how deep they are and how much they are tied to my own childhood and the crushing pressure to do family life "right" and not fuck it up or fail to provide a perfect childhood. Your friend probably brings her own baggage and her own preconceived notions of how we're supposed to do things as well.

If your kids are happy, I think that has to be more than good enough. Are they excited and enjoying Halloween? They are. So you're doing it right xx

SassitudeandSparkle · 31/10/2018 20:55

Cross-posted there, yes I see that you did view the comment (which I still say wasn't polite!) through a lens there - honestly, don't feel you have to justify your idea of fun, either yours or your sons.

April2020mom · 31/10/2018 20:56

Next time don’t answer your door. Who says that to friends? Your Halloween plans sound good to me. Make the most of it. Tonight we had a little party for Halloween. About 7/8 kids stopped at my front door tonight.
Has she apologised for her comments or not? In the past as a teenager I’ve handed out party bags and sweets to children. We’ve also had the apple bobbing competition and trick or treating. And scary Halloween music.
We also served food and drinks too. Do whatever they love to do on Halloween.

HellenaHandbasket · 31/10/2018 20:56

Sounds fine to me, she's rude. My kids t&t'd for the first time this year at 8 and 6, they certainly never missed out before. We may not go next year, it certainly isn't a big deal. We never celebrated it as kids

Lethaldrizzle · 31/10/2018 20:57

I don't like trick or treating but I do it cos the kids like it

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 31/10/2018 21:01

Your Hallowe’en sounds lovely. If my DC (when they were that age) had been invited I’d have jumped at it, much better than trudging round the streets begging.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 31/10/2018 21:02

Your celebrations sound great. My DC are teens now and have had plenty of experiences of trick or treating, arranged parties, etc. However, it’s the family games and special Halloween grub that they now speak about most fondly. The youngest (15) is currently downstairs with a couple of friends watching spooky films, telling scary stories and eating a load of Halloween themed food they prepared surrounded by carved pumpkins and fairylights. Trick or treating is one way to have fun but there are lots of ways to get into the Halloween spirit. Your friend needs an imagination transplant and your ds are lucky to have these special family traditions to look back on.

Petalflowers · 31/10/2018 21:06

I prefer your party to trick and treating.