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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be floored by this.

35 replies

Kitkat2018 · 31/10/2018 19:19

My nan died this morning. She was in her 90s had dementia and was very frail. It's not a shock, however I'm floored.
I feel numb and so very sad.

She was my dad's mum and he passed away when I was young. She looked after me alot growing up during school holidays etc. We were very close.
I'm devastated. But feel like because she was in her 90s and very ill I shouldn't be.

My minds all over the place. She's wanted to go for the last decade. Told me that she saw me get married and have a baby that she was happy to go.

But I still feel like the rug is pulled out from under me. In essence I wasn't ready.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:

DDogMum · 31/10/2018 19:22

I'm devastated. But feel like because she was in her 90s and very ill I shouldn't be.

You should feel however you want to feel. This is a shock whether expected or not, and will take some time to adjust to.
When you feel floored, have a bath, go for a walk - or just stick your head in the garden for the cool fresh air on your face. Cry in the shower, and take a deep breath when you get out.

Let yourself grieve.

Lots of love to you, I'm really sorry xx

TedAndLola · 31/10/2018 19:22

I'm so sorry. My nan also looked after me throughout my childhood as I had a single mother. I had five days to prepare for her death when she had a stroke and we agreed the hospital would let her go, and it left me feeling the same as you. But seven years on the fond memories are stronger than the sadness, though I still want to call her every now and then and tell her about something.

Birdsgottafly · 31/10/2018 19:23

It doesn't matter how old she was, what her health condition was, she was your loving Nan and you've lost her. That was always going to come too soon.

Allow yourself to grieve. It's a time to practice a lot of self care, as well.

Feeling numb is usual. Just take each day as it comes and look after yourself.

MarthaArthur · 31/10/2018 19:27

Oh op i'm sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is totally normal. I did the same with my grandfather who was very frail and ill with organ failure. His death came as a shock to me and i felt he was old and sick i shouldnt feel as shocked and devestated as i did. In reality she was your granny and you will miss her terribly.

As the wise pp said have a shower. Cry. Go for a walk make hot sweet tea and allow yourself to grieve. Keep talking here if you need to

Bodear · 31/10/2018 19:30

I’m so sorry Kitkat. I don’t think we can ever truly be “ready” to lose someone we love. It must be especially hard when it sounds as if she was a link to your dad too. Be kind to yourself; there is no such thing as what you should be feeling now. She was clearly very important to you; you write about her with real love xx

Bluelady · 31/10/2018 19:30

You're never ready and it's always too soon. My parents were 99 and 97, Mum had dementia. I felt just like you and I miss them every day. Be kind to yourself and go with the grief, it's in direct propoption to the love. 💐

LokiBear · 31/10/2018 19:32

I am sorry for your loss, op. You will grieve for her and for the loss of connection to your dad. She filled an important role when he died. It is only natural that you should feel the way you do.

whatsnewchoochoo · 31/10/2018 19:37

Your pain is a reflection of your love right now.
I'm sorry for you loss but glad you had her

Dancer12345 · 31/10/2018 19:39

So sorry for your loss.

MissusGeneHunt · 31/10/2018 19:42

My thoughts are with you, so sorry. Grandmothers can be so precious as yours clearly was to you. Grieve all you need to, it's natural and needed. Big, unmumsnetty hugs x

Aprilsinparis · 31/10/2018 19:42

Bless you, I am so, so sorry. My H's Gran died when she was in her nineties, he was absolutely inconsolable, she looked after him a lot when he wasn't at school. It really knocked him for six. Take care, for you.🌻

giantbanger · 31/10/2018 19:42

I'm sorry for your loss xx

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2018 19:43

Ah, I'm sorry, it's normal to feel as you do. Sometimes it hits you by surprise just how gutted you are.

Just be kind to yourself. 💐

TheDuchessOfSex · 31/10/2018 19:44

I think it's always sad when someone dies, even if they've had a long, full and happy life. It's not a "tragedy" in that situation, it's the natural order of things, but that doesn't mean that it's not terribly sad.

My own experience has been that in time the grief fades away and the many, many happy memories remain, but I still miss my beloved grandparents and I suppose I always will. I'm sorry for your loss. Some parts of life are difficult, and it's no more simple nor more complex than that. Feel your feelings, don't second-guess yourself.

Jezzifishie · 31/10/2018 19:46

I'm sorry for your loss. We had a family bereavement last week, and someone said to me that you're not just grieving them as they've just been, but you're grieving the whole time you've known them (if that makes sense) so of course you're floored, and it doesn't matter that it was expected. Please be kind to yourself xx

Original poster

Kitkat2018 · 31/10/2018 19:53

Thank you.
For those that said it's the connection to my dad you are very right. I'm not close to my dad's side of the family other than my nan and though she didn't like talking about him, now and again she would. And as a kid I cherished those moments.

Now my DD is in bed (she's three and doesn't quite get deaths yet.) I can't stop crying.

Thank you for letting me vent.

OP posts:

Kahlua4me · 31/10/2018 19:54

Sorry for your loss.
Your pain is directly related to the love you had for each other and the relationship you shared.
It doesn’t matter now how old she was or how ill, she was simply your nan and you loved her.

Tinkobell · 31/10/2018 19:57

OP grief and loss have no upper age limit! Just because she was very old doesn't negate your sense of loss and sadness in any way, so just cut yourself some slack on this and be understandably heartbroken and sad! I'm so sorry. I'm sure your dear Nan was one in a million ......big hugs OP 💐

9unctured6icycle · 31/10/2018 20:00

No matter how old or ill someone is when they die, if you love them you grieve. My gran died in her 90s with advanced dementia. I was in my 40s and was still very shocked when I saw her name on the board at the funeral home. I was their first grandchild and my mum and I lived with them when I was little after my parents' marriage split up. We were all very close.
Even after the 20yrs of progressive dementia, her physical deterioration, the lack of dignity etc, I realised that deep down I was waiting for some kind of resolution, and when she died my first thought was that she would never have the chance to get better (even though I knew full well she'd never get better).
It's a loss OP. I don't think you're ever really ready to lose someone you love.

iamthere123 · 31/10/2018 20:00

Just because she was ready doesn't mean you should be. Give yourself time to grieve and don't ever feel bad or guilty for feeling that way!

AnneProtheroe · 31/10/2018 20:01

I'm so sorry for your loss.

isitthehormones · 31/10/2018 20:09

Oh lovely, you feel however you are feeling and just go with it, there is no right or wrong. Your love for your Nan was so precious and strong, no matter when or how this happened it would be so raw.

Try to be kind to yourself and take things day by day, even hour by hour. Big hugs

2018SoFarSoGreat · 31/10/2018 20:11

So sorry for your loss. It is never the right time, and no matter how much we think we are prepared, it is always a shock. Don't hide it or fake it. Your little one will know you are sad, and why. It is okay.

Glumglowworm · 31/10/2018 20:16

YADNBU

yes she was 90 and lived a long life. But that doesn’t mean you love her any less or that it hurts any less that she’s gone.

Grief is bad enough without feeling like you’re grieving “wrong”. Be kind to yourself

HeronLanyon · 31/10/2018 20:20

Oh I am really feeling for you. Don’t even think how you should or shouldn’t be feeling. You are going through massive loss and it’s really hard. Sounds like she was lovely and really important for you. What a blessing and to have had her in your life for so long. Thoughts.

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