To be floored by this.

[Kitkat2018]

My nan died this morning. She was in her 90s had dementia and was very frail. It's not a shock, however I'm floored.
I feel numb and so very sad.

She was my dad's mum and he passed away when I was young. She looked after me alot growing up during school holidays etc. We were very close.
I'm devastated. But feel like because she was in her 90s and very ill I shouldn't be.

My minds all over the place. She's wanted to go for the last decade. Told me that she saw me get married and have a baby that she was happy to go.

But I still feel like the rug is pulled out from under me. In essence I wasn't ready.

Sorry for the ramble.

@Kitkat2018 cry all you need to, grief is a unique and personal journey. You've lost an important and wonderful Nan but you've also lost a connection with your late father.
Nan lost her own child but survived that loss, was a major beneficial part of your life, lived a long life and was comfortable in meeting her end. Not many have that peace, take comfort from it. I am sorry for your loss.

OP

My nan died in July (Friday the bloody 13th) and she had just turned 93. I won't go into the details but she had been independent until a fall in December 17, didn't get the care she needed from Adult SS or the council and died after one of many falls. I kept thinking that she wasn't ready to go, she didn't have a terminal illness and given her age she was in good health aside from general frailty. I was glad she'd had a long and happy life but I thought she could have had some more years.

OP what I've found hard since is when people ask how old she was and I say 93, they say oh well, she had a long life, as if somehow your pain shouldn't be as much. It's not true. You'll miss her for a long time. It's only now I truly understand what it means to say something is a shock to the system.

Please try and eat and sleep well. Easier said than done I know, but it will make the coming days, weeks and months a bit more bearable. Grief is such a hard thing to live through. Only a few weeks ago one of my friends (who lost her husband) said to me that he loved the phrase 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened' and I'm beginning to do that. But it takes a while to get to that stage. You will, though. Thinking of you [tea]

So very sorry for your loss, OP 

Agree with PP's that you should feel how you want to feel, you need to in order to grieve, it doesn't matter that she was in her 90's - she was a very big part of your childhood and indeed your life!

Sending hugs to you 

You loved her, you miss her, in time your memories will help you remember all the lovely times you shared. Feeling sad is s normal part of grieving. With time it gets easier, you never forget, but the terrible pain and hurt starts to fade a bit. Remember how lovely she was and how lucky you were to gave her as your nan for all those years.

I'm so sorry Kitkat, it is so hard to lose a loved one, particularly someone you have been extra close to.

Just because it was an 'expected' death doesn't mean it is any easier to cope with than a sudden death.

My MIL died last Boxing Day, after a few years of a nasty illness, we knew she was dying, had been put on end of life care etc. but it was still such a hard time. Even though we were expecting her to die it was still devastating, you will miss your nan and have every right to feel the way you do, you need to grieve for her just as much as anyone else would grieve for their loved ones.

You might also find an extra wave of emotion at special times of year - her birthday, Christmas etc. This is normal. (I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year for various reasons, one being it's the first Christmas without MIL)

Do you have people close to you to help you through this?

Sorry for your loss xx

She died this morning. Go easy on yourself. If you weren't devastated there would be something wrong
Your grief is a testament to your love for your grandmother
Allow yourself to be sad.
My condolences.

Aw, she was the link back to your dad as well. So that loss is remembered. Be kind, sir and do nothing and just absorb it.

I am sure your Nan lived a wonderful life and I can understand how you would feel devastated at your loss.

I lost my beloved Nan almost 10 years ago and I still think of her constantly. My grandparents helped raise me alongside my Mum, living next door my entire growing up, and so it was a huge shock when they passed even though it was expected. Grief is a very difficult thing, it can feel like it is passed but can return even when you least expect it.. but in time it does become easier to manage. Take comfort in knowing that she had her wish to see you reach the milestones in your life, no doubt she dearly loved to be a part of this and now she is resting peacefully. I take solice in the quote 'It is not goodbye, it is I will see you later' sending love to you x

Thank you all.
I'm quite numb today, and my 3 year old finished me off by having her first all out temper tantrum in Tescos screaming crying hitting. She's full up with a cold and has never acted like that before.
So I'm just a little bit done for today.