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Partner doesn't seem to get how hard it is..

50 replies

CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:15

I'm 9 days PP and my DP doesn't seem to understand why I feel the way I feel. I had some very small stitches as I tore upwards (minor tear) but it is still very painful to go to the toilet and they feel like they're going to burst from pressure when I stand up (I need to get this checked out). I'm exhausted from feeding all night (cluster feeding) and not sleeping when baby sleeps in the day. I know I should be sleeping when he sleeps but it's not that easy. I suffer from GAD and feel I have to watch him when he sleeps. I will address this with my HV, but trying to sleep when he does at the moment is a lost cause. I've tried.

My boobs are sore and enormous. One has scabs and blisters on because of DSs cluster feeding and preference for one boob. I can't poop because I have piles. My uterus is still cramping and I'm bleeding a fair bit still (yes, enjoying the adult nappies!).

I have back pain, a nagging PP headache, sweating a lot due to water retention slowly decreasing, I'm suffering with low self esteem over my new body. I had a very traumatic birth too which I'm struggling to deal with, as well as a high risk pregnancy which caused a lot of heartache.

The worst bit? Baby blues. I didn't even know these were a thing. I'm an emotional wreck and am crying over everything and anything.

DP today has had himself a nice bath, been out, had his hair cut, and even let me make him dinner last night (I know, my fault. I've been trying to carry on like normal and instead of stopping me, he's allowing me to continue - reversing this is not near impossible).

We needed something from the shop yesterday. I was 8 days PP (shops is a 1 minute drive). I said 'we need such and such' - he said 'go on then' as if to say 'you don't need me to go for you...' I was really shocked. Sleep deprived, breast feeding and he expected me to go instead of him, when he was perfectly capable of going.

He's not really looking after me. The house is a mess. He slept downstairs last night to get some sleep and spent the whole morning watching Netflix instead of helping around the house or doing something productive. Then ran himself a bath.

AIBU to be so excited for him going back to work next week so I can get on with things myself? AIBU to wonder how any man can act like this when his partner is 9 days PP and suffering, physically and emotionally?

I don't want to be told to LTB, as this is only a snippet of my life with him. He's usually supportive and kind, but seems to not be now we have a baby.

How do I react to this? I feel that if I talk to him about it he is going to do that frustrating thing of being defensive.

Or should I just get on with things?

OP posts:
CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:16

*now near impossible

OP posts:
CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:19

I'm not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me. I know I am just going through what any other woman goes through. I have a huge new respect for my mother who did this five times, and for all other women who have had babies - just wow. I am just suffering a tad... more with the emotional side of things...

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/10/2018 17:20

Get your HV to talk to him!

He needs to grow up. Good luck

Hadalifeonce · 31/10/2018 17:20

Please just tell him what is happening to you. He is not a mind reader, you say you are trying to behave normally, this is what he is seeing. TELL HIM, please that you need help from him.

Eeeeek2 · 31/10/2018 17:20

Stop doing things.

monkeysox · 31/10/2018 17:21

Spell it out for him.

Ihatemyneighbours1234 · 31/10/2018 17:21

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby OP.

I’m so sorry that he isn’t doing the job he is meant to be doing at this stage. I think you need to have a very frank and honest conversation with him about how your feeling and your expectations for what he should be doing. Do you have a parent, sibling or PIL that could maybe come and give you a hand if he is being really unhelpful? How about your MIL? Could you ask her to speak with him and explain to him what he should be doing right now? It’s not ideal and he should know but he may need to be told as shit as that is

BlueBug45 · 31/10/2018 17:22

You need to tell him clearly that he needs to help out and not sit on his behind. Tell him paternity leave is not a holiday.

Tell him if he cannot do the cleaning then he needs to find a cleaner for the next 9 months.

Tell him you will not be making him dinner for the next 6 months. He needs to do it for both of you.

In regards to shopping you will want to start doing that to get out if the house. However tell him for the length of his paternity leave he needs to do the food shopping.

CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:24

@Eeeeek2 @monkeysox I will, Ive tried today to tell him I need his support but he seems to think I'm coping just fine. It's so hard to have a confrontational conversation about anything when you are stuck in this fog of baby blues and what I feel like might be the start of PND. I know I sound absolutely pathetic but I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:25

I do realise I've done this to myself.

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blackteasplease · 31/10/2018 17:27

I agree it should be the norm for hv 's to sit partners down as soon as possible after the birth and really bang home how much they should be doing and the toll child birth had taken on you. There is a real need for this. Partners who are already doing it can just smile and nod- they are probably decent people already anyway and not prone to offence. The risk of offending those already pulling their weight is not as important as making sure all partners properly support the mother!

monkeysox · 31/10/2018 17:28

Dh. I'm struggling.
By boobs are killing me and I'm knackered.
Look after me please Flowers

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 31/10/2018 17:30

You are not going through what most women do. Many women have husband's who are far more supportive.
My DH would never have behaved like this. I'm really angry on your behalf.

You need to sit him down and spell it out. Every little detail.

Staringcoat · 31/10/2018 17:34

You have NOT done this to yourself. Sorry but your dh is behaving despicably. I am fuming on your behalf! Angry (especially at the"go on then" comment). Your DH needs to be shown your op and start behaving like an adult.

Purpleartichoke · 31/10/2018 17:36

It’s time to being really explicit. Plan out your nest where you want to hang out with baby for the next few days, resting as much as possible. Tell him to build that space. Here is an example to get you started. It should have a comfy chair, a table, your phone charger, a big cup for water, and the tv. Then stay there. Periodically tell him to bring you snacks. Call him when the baby needs a diaper change. Tell him what you prefer for dinner and the best time to have it ready given baby’s patterns that day. You need to recover physically if you want to recover mentally. His sole job right now is to give you the chance to do that because recovering while caring for a newborn is hard work.

Before he goes back to work, have him stock the fridge with lots of quick grab snacks. Cheese cubes, cut up fruits and veggies. Anything you can grab in 30 seconds and eat with one hand.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 31/10/2018 17:36

How can he be so blind?

CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:36

If I asked my HV to speak to him, do you think they would? In a way that doesn't make it obvious I've asked them to?

I feel sneaky doing it but I really think along with me having an honest discussion that it would help hammer home how much he needs to be doing, and not just on his paternity leave but afterwards too...

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WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 31/10/2018 17:37

A newborn is exhausting and he is not behaving like the vast majority of new fathers do.
Spell it out to him, I've had 4 and have never had to tell dad to make dinner, wash dishes, put the washing machine on.
Congrats by the way but you really need to take care of you, you are your baby's food source and trust me, if you're exhausted and overdoing it then bf can become harder and you don't need that.

BrushTheCatEar · 31/10/2018 17:39

You haven’t done this to yourself, that’s the baby blues talking. You need to have a word with him about it and take it from there. My DH was useless in the evenings when my DD was screaming with colic, he was happy to sit at his laptop or get an early night until I basically told him to get his act together and to be fair, he did.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 31/10/2018 17:39

Actually you could just show him this thread, I know that might be hard with GAD but it might be easier than tackling him?

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2018 17:42

Be very direct. 'DH, would you please tidy the kitchen / make usboth something to eat / put some washing on' - whatever. No big speeches are needed. If he says any version of 'can't you do it? / I'm tired' look shocked and say 'I've just had a baby! You do it please!' No discussion of coping needed. Just ask as if it's perfectly reasonable BECAUSE IT IS.

CharlieBeanti · 31/10/2018 17:44

I think he thinks 9 days PP is plenty of time to have recovered. That's genuinely the vibe I get because he was very supportive early on... I'll talk to him tonight...

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BlaaBlaaBlaa · 31/10/2018 17:46

Are you close to his mum? I know my MIL would come down on DH like a ton of bricks if she thought he was treating me like this.

Iaimtomisbehave1 · 31/10/2018 17:52

If you can't talk to him, are you able to write it down or show him this thread. Just say you're struggling to get the words out to him so would he read It, or would that make him angry?

BewareOfDragons · 31/10/2018 17:52

I'd actually tell him to get the fuck out.


Tell him everything you'd said here. Tell him there's no point in him being there if he's not going to support you while you're still recovering. Scare the shit out of him.

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